fall and back to school

As soon as we were on the other side of Labor day, we were hit by fall. After just a gorgeous spell of sunny summery days, it got cool, leaves started turning color, and now we've just had a record rain fall that's caused us to get water in the basement (as of 11 a.m. this morning, a state of emergency has been declared for for out town). Still, though you last found me holding on to summer, I've enjoyed the change of seasons. Leighton and I started taking turns working again, so I could finish revising my feminist porn manuscript which I've now submitted to my editor. That mission accomplished, I'm back being full time with Lilly again, except on Friday mornings when I pay my friend Mary to have her. Leighton packs a lunch and is gone all day at the library, working on his thesis, which is due November 15. This is a glimpse of everyday life for Lilly and I.

Monday: Lilly's in school! Well, sort of. From 8:30-10, she's in the "Terrific Twos" class offered by the public schools' Early Family Childhood Education (ECFE) program. From 9:15-9:50, it's separation time when the kids have a snack and then their play of choice while the parents meet in another room for group discussion. I was dreading this part in particular, but so far so good.

Lilly in the parking lot outside of "school"

Lilly in her classroom

Several of Lilly's friends and their moms, my friends, are in this class; we've been going out for coffee after to debrief, which has been really nice.

Tuesday: My friend Daisy pays me to have her daughter Bella from 8 a.m. - 1 p.m. She's 19 months and with a lot of energy, so there's a lot going on in the house those days, especially since she's going through potty training (four accidents within two hours last time) and has a huge appetite. She and Lilly play well together, despite the age difference, so that's a good thing.

Wednesday: Toddler Rhyme time at the library 10-11. The first half is dedicated to reading books and singing song, the other half to play. We missed it this week, because we toured the Montessori preschool in town that we'd like Lilly to be in as of next fall. She, and I, loved it there! A great space, both inside and out, wonderful staffing, and I really like the child focused approach to learning.

Thursday: Mary and I child swap for yoga. Her daughter is Lilly's best friend Anna, they're in ECFE together on Mondays and Lilly's with Anna and her mom on Fridays, so it's been working really well. Except that right now sharing is a real challenge for them. Like yesterday; Lilly has two chairs, a white and a blue. Both wanted the blue one and there was nothing I could do to have Lilly give it up for Anna to have a turn to sit in it, causing a wailing Anna.

Friday: Lilly's with Anna at Anna's mom from 8-12 so I get some time to write (on my sleep question book, and now this).

We thought for a while that Lilly's been done napping, but this summer when she was with me all day and had that consistency, she'd nap, and she still does. So after lunch it's about books and quiet time, then she naps, and then it's time for snack before I make dinner. She has an art class at the YMCA in the late afternoon on Mondays. Leighton goes to yoga Monday and Thursday evening, I go for a walk with my neighbor in the evening on Tuesdays and then yoga Wednesday evening. We still have fresh fish from the Co-op for dinner every Friday and I go to yoga Saturday morning and for a walk Sunday morning with a friend of mine.

We're creatures of habit, and it's a good thing. Summer was fun to be free to be spontaneous and leisurely about things. Now it feels good to be back to a routine. We're at a good place. I'm really enjoying my time with Lilly. I love how it's not all about care taking now, but also teaching (words, numbers, tasks, songs, etc.) and fun play (she's displaying a real sense of humor, tickling us or making fun of herself and then saying, "Lilly silly" or "Lilly tuller"). Her language's exploding, both in Norwegian and English. She loves to turn on the music and dance, play her instruments, and sing (her favorites right now: "Happy Birthday," "5 Little Ducks," "Twinkle, twinkle," "Mockingbird," and "Fader Jacob"). She likes to read books, draw and color, and make little things out of pieces that fit together, blocks and lego. 

It's a good thing she also likes to pretend cook and feed her baby Millie, because we spend a lot of time in the kitchen, seeing that I'm in charge of all meals and snacks (except Leighton's lunch and snacks; he packs his own food). She's taking to sitting on the kitchen counter where she has a better view and easier access to food to snack on and me to talk to.  

is socialized more civil(ized)?

As my husband and I find ourselves obsessing about where we want to live, be it in the US or Norway (or maybe somewhere entirely different, like the Mediterranean), a huge issue is where can we get good and affordable daycare and school for our daughter who's now close to 21 months.

In the US, daycare is much more expensive than in Norway, at least till the child is ready for preschool at age three. In Norway, daycare is relatively cheap and all children age one and up are guaranteed a spot.

But in Norway, the quality of daycares doesn't always measure up to the quality of daycares in the US. Norwegian schools rate lower than American schools.

But on this international women's day, the question I'm really struggling with, is what is best for mama?

I grew up in Norway and took for granted one year of paid parental leave in conjunction with the birth or adoption of a child, as well as subsidized daycare from the child was one. I found the lack of paid parental leave in the US abhorrent (and I still do), and the high cost of daycares an appalling obstacle to the progress of gender equality. Often it makes more sense financially for one of the parents to stay home and take care of the child, because this parent's salary--typically the mother's--would not or just barely make up for the cost of daycare. In other words, the lack of affordable daycare reinforces traditional gender roles in the US.

On the other extreme, there is in Norway a growing support for enforced equal sharing of the parental leave. This troubles me too. Because realistically, how well can a mother continue to breastfeed the child through his or her first year of life if she were to go back to work after only half a year? Certainly, it can be done (by some), but by the majority?

The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding up to two years or beyond. This has been my choice. Could I have done it if I had to leave home for work everyday? Certainly not with my daughter's frequent nursing pattern, every two hour. I'm lucky that I can have half the day to work on my own writing at home, and thus be available to my child when she needs me.

Attachment parenting is a related key issue. Psychologists point out the importance of nurturing attached relationships with the child in his or her first two to three years of life between the child and primary caretakers, not to be reduced to parents only, but also including relatives, friends, even hired caretakers that are able to dedicate focused care and attention to the child, building a sense of strong secure bonds for the child.

Norwegian journalist Simen Tveitereid caused quite the uproar in Norway with his book Hva skal vi med barn? (2008) where he asks why we have children if we're not up for the task to take care of them ourselves, but instead drop them off in understaffed or poorly staffed daycares when what they really need is developing a few attached relationships. Critics admonished Tveitereid for making parents feel badly about the way they raise their children. If this is tantamount to saying that if your thoughts and findings could cause others to second guess and feel guilty about heir choices, you should keep what you've found to yourself, it comes dangerously close to censorship. 

I never questioned the Norwegian model till I became a parent and found myself comparing and contrasting different approaches to parenting in different cultures.

In the US, with our modest means, my husband and I could probably not afford daycare without me getting a full time job, which I'm unwilling to take on, because I want to be available to our daughter for at least half the day. So in a sense we don't have a real choice here.  Perhaps we could make it if my husband has a full time job and I a part time job, but when then would I write, or he? And what would we do if we have another child?

In Norway, we could possibly make it on one salary while having our child in daycare for half the day (while paying for full time daycare: half day daycare is not an option, but technically we would be able to pick up our child earlier). I find myself wondering though, how this arrangement would be encountered, how would I be perceived? A reactionary old-fashioned mama? A goner? Someone who doesn't know what's best for her?

In response to this, I would argue that in Norway where gender equality is so highly valued, mothers are socialized to return to full time work when the child is one. This seems to be especially true for educated middle class mothers (stay-at-home moms in Norway can mainly be found among the labor or upper classes).

In 1998, the Norwegian government instituted a monthly cash support to those parents who decide not to have their child between ages one and three in daycare. The cash support has been fiercely attacked for reinforcing traditional gender roles; class differences (when parents end up spending the money to hire nannies or au pair students); and cultural differences (seeing that often the moms that take advantage of it, tend to be immigrants from non-Westernized countries). It's been cut several times and may soon be discontinued.

In The Mask of Motherhood, Susan Maushart recommends both parents work part time in order to support greater gender equality and mutual understanding between the parents; allowing for the child to draw on each parent's individual skills; and for both parents to nurture attached relationships with the child. Maushart recognizes that in the US at least, this remains an impractical solutions: there are not many actual half time jobs, and typically only full time jobs provide benefits, such as health care, which in Norway is universal, making this a more realistic financial alternative there. However, aside from the occasional parole calling for six-hour workdays for all, it's not been on the agenda in Norway, not the way Maushart envisions it, a scenario that definitely appeals to me.

mask of motherhood

The mask of motherhood, writes Susan Maushart Ph.D. in The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Everything and Why We Pretend It Doesn't (1999) is "an assemblage of fronts--mostly brave, serene, and all-knowing--that we use to disguise the chaos and complexity of our lived experience...

The mask of motherhood is what keeps women silent about whay they feel and suspicious of what they know. It divides mother from daughter, sister from sister, friend form friend. It creates an abrupt and tragic chasm between adults who have children and adults who don't. It distorts the distance between childhood and adulthood, cutting ever deeper gaps between the generations. It pits male parents against female, amplifying the disjuncture between the verbs "to mother" and "to father." Above all, the mask of motherhood, by minimizing the enormity of women's work in the world, nourishes and sustains the profound ignorance that confuses humanity with mankind." (2-3)

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not pass on the knowledge so that women who choose to become mothers (most of us) can face it more equipped and be surrounded by greater understanding? Are we so ashamed of the chaos we encounter, the overwhelming boredom, the struggle to do it all when we thought we could have it all? Why will overbearing friends and family already initiated mothers just nod with a smirk when we sigh about how hard it is ("told you so"), what's the real meaning of that? Is, "it will change everything" really providing any real knowledge at all?

"The housewife of the 1950s and 1960s was told she had it all, and was left to wonder guiltily, 'Is that all there is?' Today's woman is also told she has it all--and there are times when she would give almost anything for a refund. Whereas our mothers' generation suffered a sense of emptiness, we are more likely to be feeling distinctly overfull. And the impoverished expectations and life choices of women a generation ago have given way to an embarrassment of riches." (xi-xii)

It's not just that motherhood comes with the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows, it's all those other things we set out to do, career, friendships, romance, exercise, political engagement, community work ...

Today's women are primed for achievement, but we find ourselves not "combining" motherhood with the rest of life in calm blend and balance, but desperately juggling, hanging on for dear life.

"All things were meant to be possible. The discovery that only a few of them are achievable, and some of those are mutually exclusive anyway, comes as a nasty shock." (178)

"We married and became mothers in the expectation that our lives or independence and achievement would remain fundamentally unaltered ... We are shocked to discover, and often too ashamed to admit, how far from this ideal we have traveled." (181)

But if we let this shock and shame, confusion and overwhelm silence us, how can we be helping ourselves, in the long run? How then to assert the power we do have to choose, to say yes to some things, no to others, without guilt or embarrassment.

february summary

Nighttime weaning
accomplished: Lilly goes to bed in the extra bedroom between 7 and 8 p.m., then transfers in to me between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. and Leighton goes in to sleep in the extra bedroom so Lilly and I can have more room in our bed. She settles quickly, without nursing, I often can't remember her coming in to me. She doesn't nurse till 4 a.m., often it's not till 5 a.m. Typically, she nurses at 4, 5, and 6, and then we get up for her to pee & poo in the potty. Sometimes she wakes up between transfer and first nursing, could be teething pain, gas, or discomfort, but will most often settle soon again on my arm. Such an amazing change since we started this in January and how things were before with nursing every couple hours from bedtime till morning.

Winter wonderland
Temperatures finally warmed up a little to entice me out on some amazing skiing in the white covered prairie land, blue sky and sunshine. We've gotten lots of snow this winter. Driving out into the country side yesterday, I saw flocks of pheasants and wild turkeys looking for food by the roadside.

Child swap
I've finally found two moms to swap child care with. So far, this has gotten me two mornings with yoga and Leighton and I have one brunch/lunch date to look forward to and are now also planning an early dinner date. (Keep in mind, we've only had one dinner date so far, when Leighton's mom came out to visit in November, so we are very excited about this.)

Urban living
First weekend of the month, we house sat for some friends in Saint Paul. We splurged and ate out, got to visit with good friends in the city, went to the Walker art museum in Minneapolis where they have free activities for children every first Saturday of the month. We headed up to the cities again the second Sunday of the month, Valentine's day, for some sushi. We'd planned on happy hour, but it was canceled with all the people there. So we splurged again; it was worth it.

Manuscripts submitted
I submitted the second half of my manuscript on feminist porn to my editor and launched my next book which will be a collection of mamas' stories about their children's sleep. Leighton received positive feedback on the story he wrote for Lilly from a professor of children's literature at Saint Olaf College and a friend of ours in Norway whose expertise is children's literature and who works with promoting Norwegian literature abroad. We sent the story to my editor who passed it on to the children's department in the same publishing house.

Got a grant
I finally received a big grant I've been applying for; maybe third time really is a charm? I know my proposal kept improving as I got further into the project, and I received helpful feedback from friends. It's a boost to the project and my self-esteem.

Stay or go?
We put our house out for sale this month with mixed feelings. There's so much that keeps us here, so much that draws us to go there. The pros and cons seem to outweigh each other, leaving us rather handlingslammet.

Lilly
has all four corner molars now, but teething's still a pain. She loves books, music, dancing (she's obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake's Let's dance these days), baby MacDonald and farm animals. She has three friends she repeats the names of: Avery, Addie, and Anna (pronounced Annie). She speaks a lot, more Norwegian than English, a lot that sounds like Chinese to us. She loves hugs and kisses, cuddling and playing with mama and papa.

patience and self-acceptance

I would like to foster a sense of patience and self-acceptance as Lilly seeks to master new skills, that she doesn't get frustrated and upset with herself. It's a challenge then for us parents to remain patient as well as she learns to become entirely diaper-free and eat by herself with her own utensils when we're wiping up pee from the floor right after we've asked if she needs to use the potty and clean up tomato soup from everywhere but the ceiling.

Lately she's really been wanting to practice drinking water from an adult cup, and to play with water, transferring and spilling, making a big mess. Then I realized this morning how much I actually do with water, measure for the oat meal, fill pots, make coffee, refill the britta filtered water container, do the dishes, rinse out the humidifier, clean table and counter tops. And Leighton and I love our water bottles (and Lilly likes to have about three bottles plus one cup going for her). I noticed that she does pretend to clean up after her spills sometimes, just like mama. Always copying, always trying to learn. Always a big grin on her face when I get upset.

mother's instinct

Dealing with Lilly’s cold has brought up some grief for me surrounding Lilly’s first days of life and how I failed to trust my instinct faced with the threats of a pediatrician, the worries of my husband, even the hesitant attitude of our midwife.

When Lilly hit her head at the airport in Athens this past summer, I was more determined to stand stronger. I wish the ambulance people had not arrived. But at least I did not follow the doctor’s advice to be transferred from the clinic to a neurological unit. I had to sign papers before we could leave the country, it was my decision only, and I took that responsibility. On the way back to the airport in the ambulance, one of the paramedics whispered to me that he thought I’d made the right decision, that she’d be just fine.

Those words were so comforting.

But as a mama you can’t always count on them.

You’ve got to trust your own instinct.

You've got to stand strong, and you’ve got to remain big enough not to hold blame against those who can’t be expected to have that instinct. No matter how tired or physically exhausted.

Victorious mama with Lilly, in bed our first night together, a few hours after a three day labor. (Sunday June 15, Albert Lea Medical Center)

Exuberant mama finally getting ready to take Lilly home. (Wednesday June 18, Mayo Clinic Intensive Care Unit, Rochester)

nurse Lilly

Last night Lilly slept from seven thirty till two a.m., an improvement from her previous nights, fighting this cold. But then she was up from two till four a.m. before she fell asleep again and slept for an hour, awoke again, but then slept another hour after a while. This morning she was walking around with her baby doll Millie, rocking and hushing her, kissing her on her head, wrapping her in a "blanket" (baby Millie's bath towel), carrying a water bottle for her, just as I have been doing for Lilly these last few nights.

cold season

We were two weeks into nighttime weaning from nursing and things were going so well (Lilly would sleep from around seven or eight and not nurse till around four or five after which we'd either get up or she'd fall asleep again for another hour or so; she might stir one or two times earlier in the night, but would settle quickly and fall asleep again on my arm), when she came down with a nasty cold on Thursday and now it's back to being a nighttime nurse, in more than one sense of that word. First night is always the worst: of course I offer the boob whenever she wants it now, anything to comfort her, but she's having a hard time sucking, so congested. So tired. Cries exasperatedly. I lift her up and stroke her back, we walk around the house, turn on lights, offer more medicine. Back to bed, more boob. Finally she falls asleep, but awakens herself coughing, cries, needs and wants a break but body resist. Poor little baby! Second night went a little easier and so we're not as out of it today. It's a dreary day, above freezing, drizzle in the air, gray.

spring sprung

I realize it's premature, but when you've been dealing with temps way below zero (hovering around minus 15 F, which is minus 25 C), a rise in temps to around 15 to 30 F (that's minus 10 to 1 C) makes it feel like spring is all of a sudden here.  Leighton and I have been delighted to be able to walk back and forth to the library again in what feels like balmy weather; seriously, I've even heard birds chirping. When it's also sunny, and the ground covered in white snow (while some of the ice on the roads is beginning to melt or get scraped off), things ain't looking so bad. I've been holding on to the comfort, light and scents of Christmas with the tree, decorations, and frankincense up till now, but today I got everything taken down and packed away after lunch, and we'll haul the tree out tonight when Leighton gets home.

Additionally, the night time weaning is going really well!! It'll have been a week tomorrow. I find that it's really the reassuring talking to Lilly about how the boobs need to go to sleep at night, they're so tired, sleep feels so good, and then they'll be so happy to see her in the morning, etc., is what's doing the trick. Because when she wakes up in the middle of the night now, she knows they're sleeping and she can't have them. She'll sometimes whine, and one or two times per night, she might stay awake for a little while. But even then, she's so much calmer, not squirming for one boob after the other, frustrated she's not finding complete satisfaction. Instead she finds comfort in being stroked, snuggling, and then she will ultimately fall asleep again on my arm. Last night she woke me up with a loud snore at one point, but I was able to drift back to sleep again soon after.

With more restful nights, I might soon be able to pick up Siri Hustvedt's What I Loved (2003) again. I started it, and I like it, but it's too dense for my exhausted brain to read right now in the evening. So I've gotten into another mystery of Tess Gerritsen, The Body Double (2004), a follow up to The Sinner (2003) which I read in Greece this past summer.

More rest has helped Leighton and I feel less overwhelmed with parenting. The exhaustion made us both prone to bickering for a stretch, now there's a sense of optimism and "we can do it" feeling between us. We've become more creative in terms of how to spend our time with Lilly when she won't nap, we've gotten even more socially pro-active, and we've been able to let go some of our hopes and expectations for alone or me time.

Lilly's happy as usual, nursing just as much during the daytime, she's now also taken on nursing her baby dolls. And she's getting more into solids, preferably when she can eat them herself. She's very proud of her new toddler knife, like mama and papa; she now gets to eat with a knife and fork. It all creates a big mess, of course, especially since she refuses wearing a bib (and when we have tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, like yesterday). But it's fun to watch too, and we're very proud of every spoonful she gets into her mouth.

nighttime weaning part II

After a string of sleepless nights, what with Lilly getting that cold, then just being such a bundle of energy who can't seem to stop (sounds famliar?), we (I...) decided to give the nighttime weaning another try (after a first attempt earlier last fall. We had a couple successful first nights, then I forgot my vow the third night, by the fourth night it watered out). So. This was the plan: put her down in the second bedroom like we always do (usually between seven and eight). Nurse her to sleep (as usual). Then give her boob again upon transfer to ours (typically anytime between ten and midnight). Then not again till 5 a.m. During the day, I explained to her calmly how the boobs would have to sleep, but then would be very happy to see her in the morning.

I'm happy to report, the night went pretty well! She fell asleep around 7 p.m. Woke between 9 and 9:30 p.m. as I was getting ready for bed. I took her with me and nursed her (oh, another part of the plan was that Leighton will sleep in the second bedroom till we have this figured out, to give me and Lilly some more space. We'll give it a week, then see). So we parted our ways. Lilly woke around 1 a.m. and angrily beat me and my boobs. She clearly knew she couldn't ask for them for she didn't even try (typically she points or grasps, uttering "pupp"!). But lo and behold: she settled sooner than when I keep offering the boob on her demand. Same procedure around 3 a.m.; this time she actually settled sooner. And this time she also drank a little of the water bottle I also had offered her around 1. I took her with me to the bathroom to pee both times (I had to go, and I felt the up and down would be good to break the crying spell). It worked.

Then she slept till past five. I woke before her, my boobs achingly full. I stirred a little, she woke, had a boob, fell back to sleep. Slept another hour or so, had the other boob, we were up around 7. I took her to the bathroom where she peed and pooped in the potty (auto for her on most days, except these last couple of days, it's almost like she hasn't had time to sleep or poop: she's just up and running around). She wasn't really wanting to go today either, but I got her in her seat, and there she went.

Then she wanted her sweatsuit on, it's in her room, where Leighton was still sleeping. I quickly went in and got her a new diaper and clothes from the shelves without him waking, but then soon after Lilly went back in to get him up. So cute. She loves her papa.

I'm hopeful about how this could turn out. Leighton and I sure need the rest. Lilly, on the other hand, seems effaced by the less amount of sleep she's been getting. Such a life force, so much energy. Such a happy girl.

winter wonderland

Last night was kind of rough; Lilly's teething again and couldn't find comfort. So she sucked all she could on my boobs, so frustrated when they couldn't give her the soothing she craved. Poor baby. Poor mama. We were both so tired this morning. But then Leighton pointed out: it's snowing outside! First snow is always magic that way (we did get some one day, early in October, but it can't count, it melted right away and we've had balmy fall days since). Today was winter. For real. And Lilly was mesmerized. Her home setting slowly changing. Leighton left for the library around eight, while Lilly and I kept admiring the the snow falling from inside. I think Leighton felt a bit sorry for me this morning though. He suggested we watch a movie and just relax (I had planned to do some errands up in the city). I sometimes feel it's easier to just push through and do things when I'm really tired, but today, all Lilly wanted to do was to hug, snuggle, sit on my lap, play puzzles in my lap, read in my lap, snuggle more, and suck on the boob, every 30 minutes or so. So in the end I dimmed the lights, lit some candles, and put on Frosty the snow man. She got the DVD from grandma Julie when she came out to visit last month and they watched it quite a bit, but I've never seen it yet. Lilly loves music, so Julie thought she'd enjoy it. And apparently she does! As Frosty counts his finger, Lilly mimicked with her hand. When the children danced around Frosty, Lilly danced too. When the children all joined in a parade to take Frosty to the train station so he could get a ride to the north pole before he'd melt away, she stomped her feet along with them. I couldn't help but choke up, and then Lilly looked at me a little unsettled. But we both laughed when Santa came to the rescue in the end and got Frosty to the north pole while assuring us that every Christmas, he'll be back. Phew.


I guess I'm just feeling kind of emotional these days. Some hormonal mess-me-up? Or is that even more wishful thinking? That my body is kicking into ovulation gear? I'd wish. But these last couple of days, I've suddenly been grieving the unconceived child (that I just the other day felt just fine about). The conception of Lilly was a miracle (it always is, but, you know, with Lilly, I'd just been told I couldn't conceive naturally, which was the story I'd been told since I was eighteen). So how could I, now at the age of 36, ever conceive naturally again. On top of being painfully tired (from parenting), while very happy (from parenting), I find myself wishing for more (parenting). Now, this must be hormonal, yes?

But I was going to tell you more about today. I had to do at least one errand for tonight's dinner. And just to get outside. And Lilly just stood there, taking in the snow. The magic. Frosty! There was snow in Wyoming too and she saw it there over Thanksgiving break (check out our Casper mountain album if you haven't already). But maybe because then the snow had all already settled on the ground. Maybe because of the fierce winds, she just wasn't that into it. But today she just kept watching it falling, she stepped and kicked around in it, dabbed her glove into it, tasted it. It was simply precious to watch. We'll get lots of use of that new snowsuit now!

(Left: Lilly in her new snowsuit, from grandpa and grandma Cheryl, out in Casper, Wyoming, over Thanksgiving break.
Right: Lilly at the airport, in Denver, on our way to Casper. Her look catches the wonder she expressed when she saw snow today.)

Three weeks till Christmas eve today. After watching Frosty, I put on some Bing Crosby Christmas carols while we got ready to head out for the store. As I walked home this afternoon from the library, torches were lit up along the sidewalks downtown for the annual winter walk, children waiting on Bridge square for Santa to appear. I passed by some friends and had a little visit, felt rich and privileged.

It's a magical season.

But one troubled with memories too.

bitching mama

             I like to vent, air out those things that bug me. After that, I’m good. At least for a while. I used to bitch a lot about my academic position: the long work hours, the petty politics during departmental meetings, committee meetings, faculty meetings (and oh, there were more meetings). The students who didn’t do the work, or the students who did do their work, but who were unwilling to open their minds. Most of all, I bitched about the lack of time for my own research and writing; I was supposed to have a third for each: teaching, scholarship, and administrative work. Instead, I put in 150% on teaching, at least 75% on administrative work, leaving no time for what I in the end was dying to do, even with 70 work hours per week.

            I bitch a lot now too that I’m a mama slash freelance writer, working non-stop from at home or the library. But unlike when I bitched about my academic job, I now get tons of unsolicited advice and unwelcome critical questions and glances. You’re still breastfeeding? You’re still sleeping with your child? You spend an entire hour putting her down for sleep at night, and also often for her nap? You don’t let her cry? You haven’t vaccinated her? You haven’t had a date yet? (Our daughter was almost a year and a half by the time we had our first and so far only real evening date, when my husband’s mom came out to visit for a week). I could go on and on.

            The general gist is that people seem to think we give too much, sacrifice ourselves too much, and all for our baby. At the same time, however, they comment on how safe and content our daughter strikes them to be, so happy and interested in others. I like to think our parenting style has something to do with that. Sure, we give tons. Yet we could give more. I can still and do often feel guilty. Especially when I feel annoyed and irritated by the time it takes me to calm her down for nap and bedtime (because she still needs me for that. But then on the other hand, that’s precious bonding time for the two of us). All the nighttime parenting, which reads as follows: her sucking and biting on my boob, frustrated when it doesn’t completely soothe the teething pain, climbing and punching and squeezing my body, me not able to go to the bathroom, for if I leave the bed, she’ll cry. Or, I get out of bed and go pee with her in my lap, as I pee, and wipe myself. This all is interspersed, of course, with very dear hugs, kisses, strokes and cuddling. There are even times when she does play with my hair quite tenderly, instead of pulling so hard I think I’ll get another bold spot.

And that’s when I bitch (when I think I’ll go bald, I mean, or at least grey). But it doesn’t mean I want anything differently. As opposed to when I bitched about my academic position. That job I was really unhappy with. This job I love to death. Even when I bitch the most about it.

            This seems a difficult thing to get for many. And I just can’t quite get why. Because it seems to be something we all do: bitch and vent before we go on, without changing or necessarily wanting to change the way we do things.

            I just think it’s kind of interesting. To observe. That’s all.

dreaming

We returned late last night from a very nice Thanksgiving break out in Wyoming. It was a long day of traveling, but even on 4 hours of sleep (on me), it went quite well. Lilly's such a great traveler. And we all got a good night of rest last night in our own comfy bed. Lilly woke up so happy to be home again; I think we all were. It's that Norwegian saying, borte bra, hjemme best (good to be away, best to be home).

Today started out with great expectations: I've gained, uhm, a few pounds lately and have been feeling some nausea. So this morning I took a pregnancy test. Negative. Turns out the extra pounds and the nausea are caused by a little too much good food lately. Of course, I haven't yet had a period yet since before I was pregnant with Lilly. What with all the frequent nursing still, that all makes sense. But we got a little excited about the possible family expansion. As I said to Leighton yesterday; we can't be that exhausted if we're still excited about the possibility of that!

Anyway, it was nice to be back in the library, working, and then as the day went on, I got to thinking that the best scenario, if we could plan these things, would be to get pregnant after we're back in Norway and I'm done with my book and the promotion of it, and onto the next one (which I'd like to be on parenting/mothering). So ideally next fall or winter sometime. By then we'd also maybe like to have Lilly in barnehage (preschool), which would allow both Leighton and I time for part time jobs as well, while also giving us time to write. Of course, you can't plan for things like these. Especially when you've already been told, like I was, that you can't conceive naturally. But we can hope. So we'll do that. Dream and hope. And enjoy what we have.

the nursing relationship, part II

When the going gets tough, I find comfort in sharing the truth. When I can name the worst of what's going on for me, I don't need to worry some inner tsunami will build up, erupt and wash me away. When I hear the truth of others, I feel we're not in such bad shape after all; we all struggle. At least, we're not the only ones who can say or do things we later find excruciatingly childish, hurtful, and embarrassing. So this past weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon skyping for two hours with a friend in Oslo, and then Sunday I went for a morning walk with a friend in town and then later we all went over to their house in the afternoon. It was a weekend of sharing, talking, crying, and laughing. It was a good weekend for us.

But, we're still painfully tired, at least Leighton and I; Lilly's her same chirpy and energized self, rising well before the sun. Then she also gets a lot of comfort at home base to kick off from. -- The nighttime weaning is going so-so: the second night went even better than the first; when Lilly wanted boob around 2 a.m., I told her the boob's asleep and she lied down again to sleep right away. The third night I forgot and, half-asleep, gave her the boob when she grabbed for it. Fourth night it seemed silly to stick to the time limits I'd decided upon. And last night she started crying when I said the boob's asleep. And I can't deal with that. Our friends suggested we react too strongly to Lilly's crying, maybe projecting our own wounded childhood memories of crying onto her. That all crying isn't necessarily coming from an unsafe hurtful place. That it can also be a way of venting, showing disapproval. There could be some truth to that. But we are who we are and need to work from that. Eventually last night, Leighton took her into the other bedroom, and last night she did find comfort in sleeping with him, in the nook of his arm, snuggled close to his body.

So as to avoid too drawn out of a thing before nap and nighttime, Lilly's (for) now on a late nap and late bedtime "schedule," with a lot of nighttime nursing, and a lot of daytime nursing and cuddling too. Someday we'll miss this, I know. Often I embrace this time to be so close, so needed, wanted, to be able to give her what makes her happy and feel safe. Other times, I bitch about it, feel stuck, un-free. Leighton asked me the other day, how I can be so angry sometimes over a decision I've chosen myself. It's an interesting question. For me, I think it has to do with the fact that it doesn't feel quite like a free choice. I'm not simply myself anymore, I'm also hers. So it's not really just my decision.

We're really looking forward to Thanksgiving break, which we'll be spending in Casper mountain, Wyoming, with Leighton's dad and his family, at a Bed & Breakfast lodge called Sunburst lodge. We're leaving tomorrow morning, back late Sunday night. I look forward to hanging out with family, soaking in the hot tub, walking in the mountains, - and Lilly will just love it! Being the socialite that she is. So the days will be fun for her, and thus also for us.

last day just Lilly and mama

It'll have been two (work) weeks that it's been just Lilly and I when Leighton gets back tomorrow, Friday (he left on a Monday, two weeks ago this coming Monday). While of course I look forward to seeing him again, and the time I'll be getting again now for my stuff (I'm supposed to get full as opposed to half workdays next week, which also coincides with Leighton's mom's visit: Julie, I hope you realize this and don't think I'm just rude when I take off every morning while you're here!). I can tell though that I'm also sort of dreading giving up this routine Lilly and I got going, or at least I'm anxious how what we now have nailed down, what of it that works, will be upset, changed. In particular the meals and sleep routines; I love how we got those kind of figured out in a calm way now. She's eating more too, more solids, for all three meals. We eat lunch and dinner earlier, and she goes down earlier for nap and in the evening. She started going down for her nap earlier before Leighton left too; because she wasn't feeling well, we think, maybe also the days getting shorter, because she'd go to bed earlier too. It's really nice in the evening how she'll go down around six now and it only takes half an hour from we're done with dinner, teeth brush and face & hands washed till she's asleep.

It really has also been an adventure to be just Lilly and I, and I always love an adventure, to see just how much I can do! That we both got sick on top of being alone just made me feel all the stronger.

Last night was another rough night; Lilly kept waking up from coughing fits. Then around 4 a.m. I noticed her pajama, both bottom and top, were soaked with pee (as was my pillow that she was lying on). So of course I had to change her, and after that she couldn't sleep again. So we had another long day ahead of us. But it turned out a smooth day, a good day. We read books (first thing she wants to do now), ate breakfast (she had lots of oatmeal and banana), watched the Baby Einstein DVDs. I showered, then pumped (now with more time in the morning, since I'm not rushing off for work, I have pumped almost every morning, storing up for some time off...). Then Lilly pooped (she said "do"! I wasn't sure at first, we typically just see it in her face, or she poops right away in the morning when she goes to the potty to pee; I love it if this is a new more advance cue! Sometimes she'll also point to the bathroom or walk out there. But today I was in the living room pumping and she walked up to me and said "do." ). I finished pumping, because I thought maybe she was also trying to say an animal sound or something, or "dog?" But she says "dog!" more with an emphasis, not in the questioning manner. And as I was wondering if she wanted to poo, it was clear something was on its way... We rushed to the bathroom, and a little turd was indeed on its way, but we got it all into the potty, lots of poop. She sat there contently, on her potty, reading her books, as she pooped. I love it.

Then we ran errands (Cubs for groceries, Wallgreens for more cold meds, bakery for bread) and home for lunch around 11. Done by 11:30, Lilly slept by 12:05. Slept two good hours while I had some time to work. I felt so tired, but for me the urge is typically to get some of my things done, sleep rarely tops the list, I am an experienced insomniac after all (I think I almost benefit some from that now...).

Lilly wanted out almost right away after her nap (after reading Goodnight Moon a couple of times first, it's so cool how she's into all her books these days. Thanks Marte and Lori for giving them to her!). I was so tired, I can tell I am more tired from being just me with her (the required attention), it's more like last year (I remember the afternoons being in particular challenging), and from us both being sick. Heading out felt so good! And she was so happy! Strolled down to Central Park, she played at the playground. I was dreading leaving when time would come for that, the unhappiness... But after 45 minutes, she decided she was done. She just walked off the park, turned around and said "bye" to the playground. I followed with the stroller, she walked beside me, all the way down to Division st. And then along Division st. to Bridge square, but by then I was getting tired of having to be so vigilant with her downtown, what with the traffic, and so I put her in the stroller. Fortunately, I'd brought snacks (bread and apple) which prevented unhappiness due to the "restriction," having to sit down. She was actually really happy on the way home.

Got home around 4:30, we'd been out for an hour and a half. Got food ready, fed her while I prepared it, she ate quite a bit, bread, grapes, some turkey and cheese, cucumber. She was so tired by 5:30, I asked if we should brush teeth, she went straight to the bathroom, but cried when I did brush them (how can we make this a positive experience???). She slept by 6:09. I hope tonight goes more smoothly for her.

Leighton called around 6:30, he's having a layover in Chicago now, we didn't talk much, I'm afraid of making sound, that might stir Lilly. Dishes are done now, it's almost 7:30, I'll have some time to read, relax. I've tidied up, lit the candles, it feels peaceful here (and hopefully it'll stay that way, unlike yesterday evening).

I was so proud of Lilly at the playground and look forward to having Leighton back and his mom here (she arrives Saturday night) to show off! She can climb up and slide down the big (but not the biggest) slide on the playground all by herself now! She did it endlessly, tirelessly today. So fun! At least she got lots of exercise. She's such a brave, strong girl. I love it. And then way she walked, almost ran, next to me, understanding not to veer from the sidewalk or take a left or a right if we weren't heading that way, hold my hand when we crossed a street, unless it seemed safe (she prefers to walk all on her own).

I'm also glad we didn't have to go through rush hour traffic this afternoon to pick up Leighton, Lilly wouldn't have been very happy in the car either, and it would have made it difficult to have dinner and get her in bed by her usual (new usual) time. It'll be good to go get papa in the morning tomorrow (he's spending the night by the airport, at his uncles'). As soon as we're done with our morning routine, we'll head out and drive up there, we'll all be fresher, we can be home for a leisurely lunch and some playtime maybe, and then Lilly can nap, and Leighton and I can talk, reconnect, he can unpack, get laundry set, we can organize all the things he brought over for us from Norway, some of our winter gear, books and notes, etc. I look forward to all of that, our day and evening tomorrow, we'll have fresh fish from the co-op for dinner and I got a film on DVD from the library for us that we can watch when Lilly is in bed.

Update: less than 2 minutes after I posted this, Lilly coughed herself awake. Looks like I'll be Florence Nightingale this night also.

Update II: So Lilly slept 1 1/2 hour, awoke from coughing, awoke after another half hour from coughing, then after 10 minutes, 5, 2 ... In the end she was so distraught, her cough sounds terrible, all she wants is to sleep and yet it hurts so much. I don't blame her; my chest hurts too now, yet my cough isn't nearly as bad as hers. In the end I just held her in my arms, sat in the living room with her for a bit, then turned off all the the lights in the house, went into our bedroom with her, lied down, made no attempts to leave the bed. Whenever she coughed, she could settle more quickly with me right there. The night nurse.

Now soon off to get Leighton home.

got guts

My friend Amanda just posted in her blog ("no guts, no glory") about how we mamas, while we may seem soft at times, really are the ones who have the guts to run the world, and yet we don't. Hear, hear! I feel like one very gutsy mama these days. True, Sunday was rather long to get through, sleep deprived and sick, with Lilly sick too, but we did it. Monday was better already, and we had things to do. The library in the morning, the park in the afternoon, sunshine outside. Lilly was feeling great, and I was already feeling better too.

Today started off even better yet, though we got up at 5, but the night was calm, and we had things to do. A visit at 8:30, library at 10, sunshine outside. But then, sure enough, Lilly got overtired and so was not able to go down for a nap, spinning around all wired instead. Now that I'm feeling better, I was really looking forward to getting some work done while she'd sleep, or maybe even some crunches. What I miss the most right now is time to work and time to exercise. And then she just couldn't sleep. Like last Thursday after the ladies luncheon; she had gone beyond.

So, we hit the road. And she fell asleep. I figured we might as well run some errands. She slept for half an hour or so, then she woke up as we pulled over for our first errand. She was not very happy after that. Symbolically, it gets really windy and starts to rain, it's mean outside, and it's no better being inside of the car, the way Lilly's behaving in her car seat at this point. But I'm staying calm, I know she's just really tired, everything hurts more.

It's tough for a while, but then, as she crashes early, it's all calm. And then I get busy, executing all those tasks.

We mamas do rule. And we should get more credit for it. In that outside political world.

For more as to why, check out Ann Crittenden's The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued and The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter by Katherine Ellison. This last one was recommended to me by my friend and fellow mama Lori, and it really speaks to Amanda's post about how we mamas are perceived as "soft," and yet we're not. Just. We're not mush brains; we're excelling at multitasking and multimaneuvring with a multidispersered attention ability.

all saints day

Lilly and I are officially both sick with the common cold. She of course has been on and off struggling with teething and discomfort the last couple of weeks or so. But now she's coughing like an old man slash former smoker while I'm sneezing galore and have a really sore throat. We both have snot running out of our noses like crazy. So we're quite the pair. I was actually a little surprised she seemed so out of it this morning because her night was pretty good (she slept from 7:30 - 00:30, ate and coughed some, then slept again till 3:45 or so, same routine then, and then again till 6). Which was actually 5, seeing we had to set the clock one hour back. So up we got, done with breakfast and our two Baby Einstein DVDs (she's getting rather musical by watching/interacting with these; brings out her little piano now (in addition to puzzle works and books and toys and stuffed animals to match what she's seeing on the screen) and plays quite well, I must say!) by 7 a.m. Now whereas she slept like an angel in between her cough bouts last night, I was up nursing a sudden onset of extremely sore throat (you know, when it cuts like several knives in there), stuffy nose, and achy body, with Cloraseptic, nasal spray, tylenol, and hot cider. Couldn't find comfort even after all that to sleep. So I was so tired this morning. And so was she.

I had a hot shower and gave her a long warm bath, we both enjoyed our water treats, and it helped clear our nostrils some. Then we ran errands, sparkling water at Cubs (I love how it feels when my throat is sore!), kleenex at Target (!), and fruits etc. at the Coop. Home for an early lunch (a can of chicken noodle soup and turkey sandwiches; Lilly ate some cheese and turkey, threw the noodles slick with broth on the floor, sigh). Nap (90 minutes), downtime (60 minutes), Skype with papa (30 minutes).

It's 3 p.m. and very nice out by now. Lilly is whiny, it hurts all over, for her, and for me, we're both so out of it. But we head out, it's good to be outside. Lilly wants to bike her tricycle, which she can't, she's too little, and I don't have the energy to lean over (and have snot coming out all the time), pushing her. I suggest we go for a stroll; she wants a ride in the car. I told her we already used the car today, time for some fresh air. In the end, she points to the stroller with a sigh, ok, then. And on we go for a little afternoon stroll in a suddenly very balmy sunny weather. Sunshine, no winds, 60 F. Downtown and back again, slowly, it's a good half hour.

By now it's time to make dinner: tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Lilly eats lots of ham, cheese and tomato soup with bread! Oh, and pickled cucumbers (good ones, from Trader Joe's). After tomatoes, tomato soup and tilapia (fish) are her favorite food items these days. She's into Ts I guess.

She's suddenly very happy being home again after our time out, plays in her kitchen while I do the dishes. And then it's time to brush teeth and get ready for bed (I figure her body is still on yesterday's clock). And sure enough, she sleeps by 6, which was 7 yesterday.

Oops, was just about to post this as she stirred, needed comfort, coughing and tooting (she might have eaten all that food a tad bit too fast???). Really hard to comfort a baby when you need to sneeze so bad it's insane. I never got this: how can a nose be sneezy and runny while also being so stuffy you can't breath? I mean, I just don't see how stuffiness goes with watery creeks coming out of your nose, so that you're still left panting, breathing through your mouth, like a dog. Just a technicality, anyway.

today I yelled at Lilly

Today I yelled at Lilly, and I feel terrible, so ashamed! It's never happened before and I dread it ever happening again. We had actually had a pretty good morning, she got up with a smile, despite her cough and still some snot, and today I woke up with a sore throat too. But we had a fine time over breakfast, we played, watched Baby Einstein (she's getting so good at identifying and mimicking the sounds of animals! and pointing at her nose and ears etc., repeating "nose" along with the DVD). I sorted laundry, showered, and then it's time for action. Lilly is typically eager to leave the house by 9:30 or 10; today there was no event at the library (because of Halloween), but I figured we'd bundle up for a walk, do an errand downtown.

But then we tried too much at the end: Leighton wanted to Skype at 10, Lilly laughed and waved at him at first, but then got upset when I wouldn't let her bang at the keyboard, and she doesn't like it when we (he and I) talk, she wants it to be with her, too, which of course makes sense! Leighton was reluctant to hang up, he had lots to share and misses his girls (and of course we miss him too!). He was in tears as we hung up, which also makes me feel terrible. But now it was close to 10:20 and Lilly was getting very antsy. So. On with the clothes (this is never fun), it was cold, so I decided we needed to put her boots on. Which were terribly muddy from last weekend at the orchard. So I wanted to clean them real quick. Not to Lilly's agreement. At this point she's crying, screaming, not just whining. I explain, in Norwegian, that I just have to clean her boots real quick and then we'll get going. She points to the door, kicks her legs into the floor, wants out now! And so then I yell, you just have to wait a little bit, and then we'll go out! Of course, she only starts bawling from this. And then I remember that anguish, when my mom yelled at me when I was a child, how the world just stopped making sense at that point.

So I took her in my arms, went into her bedroom, sat and rocked her on the bed, nursed her, lied down with her and nursed her some more. She was soon happy again and excited when I said we'll go out now and her happiness mostly lasted till we were out of the house (interspersed with some spouts of whining as I had to go wash my hands to get the mud of, get my scarf and hat from the closet, etc.)

Then we leave the house, she's so happy walking my purse to the stroller, sits down happily, it's freaking windy and cold, but we're dressed for it. The sun's peeking through. At the coffee shop, our destination to pick up more coffee, it's super crowded, people pressing ahead in line. Lilly wants up, but it goes ok. We leave the shop, she has to squint against the sun in the stroller on the way back, the shade doesn't go down far enough. And then, just as we're two blocks from the house, her head falls to the side, she's falling asleep. This cannot happen!! Then she will not have a nap (she magically has this only one chance to fall asleep for a nap, I don't get it. And she won't be transported to bed from stroller or car seat if she falls asleep there). So I lift her up into my arms and she cries. At this point I feel like the worst mom ever.

We make it to the house and now she's so happy again to be home. I want to see if she can eat some food, some lunch, before she sleeps (this is risky business to try: she hasn't shown much interest in solids lately, though she did eat quite a bit of the tilapia we had for dinner last night--we have fish for dinner every Friday, it's fresh at the Co-op then. But she did actually end up eating quite a bit of cheese and turkey for lunch today and even some orange. Typically she only has fun saying, 'appelsin.' But now she ate it too).

So, then it's time to try and see if she'll sleep. It's noon, she's been going down around 11:30 lately, maybe she missed her window on Thursday, when we had the ladies luncheon here from eleven til one thirty, I don't want that to happen again. She's yawning, so clearly tired. But struggles to surrender to sleep. I leave the room twice in despair. By 12:40 she's sleeping, beautifully, at my breast. She is the most precious child in the world, I just have to kiss her, though I don't want to wake her. I kiss her cheek and stroke her head, she sleeps so peacefully. Our little Lilly, delicate in appearance, yet strong and enduring.

another day goes by

Today we had only one task on our to-do list: grocery shopping for the brunch-lunch tomorrow. So we had lots of time to fill... And so we did! And it was a pretty good day, I must say, though gray and kind of gloomy.

The day begins with the night before, I find, so here goes: Lilly had another rough night last night; I gave her some more medication around 2 a.m., propped her head on a pillow, dabbed some eucalyptus around her nostrils, gave some more boob, tickled her head, and all that seemed to help. Morning went by pretty smoothly: breakfast, some Baby Einstein (while I checked e-mail real quick), shower. Then off to the grocery store, Lilly loves Cub! Funny I boycotted it at first when it came to town. She was happy in the cart for a while, then walked/ran around; she was good about coming along though and of course charms everyone with her big glee as she wanders about like that. She loves carrying the key and getting it into the key hole on the car and house, so that makes exiting fairly easy too.

After Cub, there was still some time before lunch, so we headed up to St. Olaf College to say hi to my friend Nancy in art history. Lilly loves the Dittmann Center as well; fun space to hang out in. I ran into two former great con students of mine, nice to chat with them a little too. They're seniors now.

After that, Lilly was very tired... We headed home for an early lunch while we Skyped with papa (my Leighton). Lilly waved and smiled. Then crashed ten to twelve and slept for a whole three hours! Unfortunately, I don't feel like I was too productive during that time. I kept hearing her cough and was on pins and needles expecting her to wake up anytime. But she slept through it all. And then she was very happy when she woke up! And wanted out after only a little playtime inside (she got shoes on and pointed to the door). So we went to Central park to play at the playground there.

I got cold (should have worn a hat like Lilly) and it was getting close to dinner, so we headed home after 45 minutes or so, against Lilly's will, I'm afraid. But when I told her we should go check on "Eddy" (one of her stuffed animals, a dog; she loves dogs -- she got to visit with a dog at the park and barked back at her...), she got more into being home. She got a little impatient when she realized what would come next (eating); she wanted the food to be done and on the table and for her to sit in her chair by the table. She didn't want any food though, as it turned out. But was happy enough by the table nonetheless. So I had a fairly calm meal... Soup from Lori (thank you Lori!). In addition to the lentil & tomato soup we had yesterday, Lori also had made and brought us some quinoa chowder with potatoes, tofu and kale (I think those must have been the ingredients). I heated it up so it was really warm, which felt so good, and also had some bread, butter, herb mustard, strong cheddar, ham and grapes. Lilly did in fact try both the sandwich and the soup, but mostly played and talked.

I asked if she wanted to "bade" (take a bath) after supper and tonight she was up for it! And she had so much fun in there! Splashing around, playing "opp og ned" (up and down), etc., etc. She did not want to get out, but she got so wired, in the end I had her come out. Which she was fine with. She actually seemed a little cold. She kept yawning too. But was still very wired.

So tonight she did not have such an easy time falling asleep. I also didn't give her any medicine, because the bath cleared her airways a bit and I thought she might be fine. But after a while in bed, she was very congested, kept coughing and sneezing and rubbing her eyes and nose. So I gave her some medicine again, and she fell asleep after that and some more boob, around seven thirty. Tomorrow is the last day we can give her medicine on this round at least (it'll have been ten days, and directions say to stop after that). I hope she'll be feeling better...

Now it's already eight thirty and there are so many things on my to-do list! At the same time I'm tired. Which partly explains my use of time when Lilly napped as well; a little of this, a little of that, hard to focus on one thing or really get into work. I'm reading a little fiction, reading a little for work, analyzing a little film for work, watching a little film for fun. Responding to some emails from friends, writing some that are related to work. This way the time goes by.

home alone with Lilly

Yesterday Leighton left for Norway where he'll spend the next ten days, in Oslo, attending seminars at the Ibsen center, working on his paper, seeing the dentist, visiting with friends, among other. In the meantime, Lilly and I are here at home, on our own. I've been kind of excited about this time, it's sort of an adventure, how well can we do it? And it's nice to know Leighton can have all this time to focus on work and get good sleep at night. So how have we fared so far?

Well, Lilly fell asleep on the way to the airport yesterday, only got about 40 min. of sleep in the car, typically she sleeps a couple of hours, but she seems to only have one precious "falling asleep" quota per day. So she got tired end of the day. I took her for a long stroll in the afternoon, gorgeous fall sunshine weather. Then we stopped at the library (she loves it there, never wants to leave). Home for a quick dinner (heated up some tomato soup from the Co-op, anything else seemed daunting with a tired baby in my arms). Lilly fell asleep at an amazing 18:20, needed some comforting again around 19, slept again from 19:20 and till after I was in bed (which was early, but still...). She's been falling asleep earlier these few days, what with not feeling good and all (she used to fall asleep around eight, eight-thirty, and after 45 minutes of boob. Now it only takes 15 minutes or so). Her nights are not great though. Last night she sounded congested as well, and for a long while would just stare up into the ceiling.

This morning she was happy though. A friend of mine told me she and her husband often find it can actually be easier with just one parent. Their son would just "finne seg i" (live with having) to relate to the style and rhythm of the one parent, and sometimes that makes things easier, she told me. I did found that to be true this morning. Typically, Lilly is very needy in the morning. Today it was as if she realized I had to do certain things like make breakfast and then shower and she was fine with that; plus there was nobody else to ask for attention while I was doing all those things. At lunch too, when she's always tired and ready for her nap, I found it easier without Leighton here because I wasn't also trying to have a conversation with him.

That said, we miss him! Which actually makes me appreciate Lilly's company even more.

After breakfast, we watched a new Baby Einstein DVD that I checked out from the library yesterday. We just *love* their DVDs!! This one was about animals in the neighborhood; Lilly loves dogs and there were lots of them on this one to interact with. We've been watching the da Vinci one for a while; it's about body parts and Lilly has learned from it to say and point to certain body parts, like nose, eyes, mouth.

Then it was time to walk over to the library, fun time for both Lilly and mama. We strolled in the beautiful sunshine. The group was smaller today, which was kind of nice: easier to talk with the adults and get to know each other better.

We had to stop at the Co-op for milk on the way home, Lilly was tired and winy at this point... We Skyped real quick with Leighton when we got home, Oslo is six hours ahead of us now, he was at the university library, tired from a long journey and then a long day at the Ibsen center and the library. His suitcase did not arrive (and he won't get it till tomorrow), so that's unfortunate. And he had a bumpy ride from Minneapolis to Chicago. Otherwise good from there to Stockholm and then Oslo. Lilly waved to the image of him on the screen, very cute!

She napped for an hour and a half after that and I got to work some. Then my dear friend Lori stopped by just as Lilly woke up. Lori had made a couple of batches of soup today and had some for us, knowing it's not easy to cook with just one adult around to tend to a baby. I was *very*grateful for that soup when dinner time came around and I again had to hold a tired baby in my arms while heating up some soup. In between of Lori's visit and that, we'd been out in the gorgeous fall weather again, headed over to the Co-op, picked up some bread for the soup and a few other things, Lilly got to play in the play area at the shop. She didn't want to leave at first, but then got tired. On the way home, she coughed a lot, her nose is very runny now. I can hear her still now, this evening, as she's sleeping, coughing every now and then. I hope she can still get some good rest tonight... I put her head on a pillow to ease with the congestion.

Our good neighbors Dee and Gregg are also gone this week, visiting their daughter in Nicaragua. Lilly and I are looking after their cats, and house. Lilly loves cats, so it was a good distraction to check in on them, add food to their food bowls, pet them a little (though they were rather shy) between dinner and bed time. Lilly hasn't been wanting her bath the last few nights. Just get the teeth brushed, hands washed, and then straight to bed. Again tonight she fell asleep quickly, by 18:20.

I've lit some candles, sipping on a glass of red wine, feeling so tired, but good about the day. Listening for Lilly, hoping she won't get too sick.

We have no plans tomorrow, will go grocery shopping in the morning, if it's nice I'll try to rake some. Lilly likes being out with me doing that. Unless she's too sick, I guess... Thursday I'm having some ladies over for a brunch, then Lilly and I are invited to a pumpkin carving/painting dinner party later that day. Friday we'll go to the library again for an open class (we'll probably go tomorrow and Thursday too, to be around all the fun books and toys, other kids and parents who're there to check things out), and then in we're meeting some friends for a happy hour beer later in the day. Saturday there's also an open class at the library in the morning, and of course we're excited for Halloween to be here and hope lots of kids will stop by in the evening. Sunday there's a Halloween party for preschoolers at Carleton College in the afternoon that we plan on attending.

So, this gives you an impression of our days here, without Leighton. I'll try to work when Lilly naps, catch up on email etc. in the evening. Every other day we'll feed the cats and play with them. If it stays nice, and Lilly's healthy enough, we'll be outside a lot. Or inside playing if not.