Lilly started preschool!

first day of summer school

Earlier this summer after we returned from Norway, Lilly went to a few weeks of "summer school" at Montessori Children's House. She absolutely loved it. She was always excited about going to school each day and became very fond of the teacher. But as June ended, so did school for the summer; school was on vacation, or på ferie, as Lilly would say.

Luckily Lilly was scheduled for three weeks of summer day camp at River Bend Nature Center. So for the last weeks of July and at the beginning of August, Anne and Lilly would make the short trek just 25 minutes south of Northfield to Faribault. While Anne used the time to write, Lilly was introduced in a fun way to nature. Each day Lilly would come home with crafts and also reports about what she'd done. Again Lilly became very fond of her teacher; so much so that when I took her and her friend back to a Saturday event in August, she was a little disappointed that her teacher wasn't there.

Then came a week long music camp back at MCH! Lilly loves music and dance so we thought this would be a great experience for her. She was also reunited with her teacher from earlier in the summer as well as some of her new school friends. But after a week, school was på ferie again.

first day of preschool

Even though Lilly had already started preschool, practically speaking, mama and papa approached the first official day of preschool with much anticipation and all the emotions that typically come with such milestones. We all went to an introductory meeting where Lilly met her new teacher, toured the classroom, and picked her cubbyhole. She has made it clear that she is up to this journey outside the home. Every weekday morning when dropping her off at school, I unbuckle her seat belt and wait for one of the teachers to come get her from the car; hand in hand she leaves with the teacher for her daily adventure and doesn't look back. I feel proud. I feel like my daughter has introduced me to a exciting new world. Then I drive away and that wonder gradually fades as I start my work day.

We are two weeks in and Lilly still loves school. We were a bit worried how things would go since Lilly is not with the same teacher that she grew so fond of earlier this summer. But Lilly doesn't seem to mind. She's met new friends. She seems to be settling in to her own pace at school. And already tomorrow, Anne will attend the first parent meeting.

february summary

Nighttime weaning
accomplished: Lilly goes to bed in the extra bedroom between 7 and 8 p.m., then transfers in to me between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. and Leighton goes in to sleep in the extra bedroom so Lilly and I can have more room in our bed. She settles quickly, without nursing, I often can't remember her coming in to me. She doesn't nurse till 4 a.m., often it's not till 5 a.m. Typically, she nurses at 4, 5, and 6, and then we get up for her to pee & poo in the potty. Sometimes she wakes up between transfer and first nursing, could be teething pain, gas, or discomfort, but will most often settle soon again on my arm. Such an amazing change since we started this in January and how things were before with nursing every couple hours from bedtime till morning.

Winter wonderland
Temperatures finally warmed up a little to entice me out on some amazing skiing in the white covered prairie land, blue sky and sunshine. We've gotten lots of snow this winter. Driving out into the country side yesterday, I saw flocks of pheasants and wild turkeys looking for food by the roadside.

Child swap
I've finally found two moms to swap child care with. So far, this has gotten me two mornings with yoga and Leighton and I have one brunch/lunch date to look forward to and are now also planning an early dinner date. (Keep in mind, we've only had one dinner date so far, when Leighton's mom came out to visit in November, so we are very excited about this.)

Urban living
First weekend of the month, we house sat for some friends in Saint Paul. We splurged and ate out, got to visit with good friends in the city, went to the Walker art museum in Minneapolis where they have free activities for children every first Saturday of the month. We headed up to the cities again the second Sunday of the month, Valentine's day, for some sushi. We'd planned on happy hour, but it was canceled with all the people there. So we splurged again; it was worth it.

Manuscripts submitted
I submitted the second half of my manuscript on feminist porn to my editor and launched my next book which will be a collection of mamas' stories about their children's sleep. Leighton received positive feedback on the story he wrote for Lilly from a professor of children's literature at Saint Olaf College and a friend of ours in Norway whose expertise is children's literature and who works with promoting Norwegian literature abroad. We sent the story to my editor who passed it on to the children's department in the same publishing house.

Got a grant
I finally received a big grant I've been applying for; maybe third time really is a charm? I know my proposal kept improving as I got further into the project, and I received helpful feedback from friends. It's a boost to the project and my self-esteem.

Stay or go?
We put our house out for sale this month with mixed feelings. There's so much that keeps us here, so much that draws us to go there. The pros and cons seem to outweigh each other, leaving us rather handlingslammet.

Lilly
has all four corner molars now, but teething's still a pain. She loves books, music, dancing (she's obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake's Let's dance these days), baby MacDonald and farm animals. She has three friends she repeats the names of: Avery, Addie, and Anna (pronounced Annie). She speaks a lot, more Norwegian than English, a lot that sounds like Chinese to us. She loves hugs and kisses, cuddling and playing with mama and papa.

cold season

We were two weeks into nighttime weaning from nursing and things were going so well (Lilly would sleep from around seven or eight and not nurse till around four or five after which we'd either get up or she'd fall asleep again for another hour or so; she might stir one or two times earlier in the night, but would settle quickly and fall asleep again on my arm), when she came down with a nasty cold on Thursday and now it's back to being a nighttime nurse, in more than one sense of that word. First night is always the worst: of course I offer the boob whenever she wants it now, anything to comfort her, but she's having a hard time sucking, so congested. So tired. Cries exasperatedly. I lift her up and stroke her back, we walk around the house, turn on lights, offer more medicine. Back to bed, more boob. Finally she falls asleep, but awakens herself coughing, cries, needs and wants a break but body resist. Poor little baby! Second night went a little easier and so we're not as out of it today. It's a dreary day, above freezing, drizzle in the air, gray.

spring sprung

I realize it's premature, but when you've been dealing with temps way below zero (hovering around minus 15 F, which is minus 25 C), a rise in temps to around 15 to 30 F (that's minus 10 to 1 C) makes it feel like spring is all of a sudden here.  Leighton and I have been delighted to be able to walk back and forth to the library again in what feels like balmy weather; seriously, I've even heard birds chirping. When it's also sunny, and the ground covered in white snow (while some of the ice on the roads is beginning to melt or get scraped off), things ain't looking so bad. I've been holding on to the comfort, light and scents of Christmas with the tree, decorations, and frankincense up till now, but today I got everything taken down and packed away after lunch, and we'll haul the tree out tonight when Leighton gets home.

Additionally, the night time weaning is going really well!! It'll have been a week tomorrow. I find that it's really the reassuring talking to Lilly about how the boobs need to go to sleep at night, they're so tired, sleep feels so good, and then they'll be so happy to see her in the morning, etc., is what's doing the trick. Because when she wakes up in the middle of the night now, she knows they're sleeping and she can't have them. She'll sometimes whine, and one or two times per night, she might stay awake for a little while. But even then, she's so much calmer, not squirming for one boob after the other, frustrated she's not finding complete satisfaction. Instead she finds comfort in being stroked, snuggling, and then she will ultimately fall asleep again on my arm. Last night she woke me up with a loud snore at one point, but I was able to drift back to sleep again soon after.

With more restful nights, I might soon be able to pick up Siri Hustvedt's What I Loved (2003) again. I started it, and I like it, but it's too dense for my exhausted brain to read right now in the evening. So I've gotten into another mystery of Tess Gerritsen, The Body Double (2004), a follow up to The Sinner (2003) which I read in Greece this past summer.

More rest has helped Leighton and I feel less overwhelmed with parenting. The exhaustion made us both prone to bickering for a stretch, now there's a sense of optimism and "we can do it" feeling between us. We've become more creative in terms of how to spend our time with Lilly when she won't nap, we've gotten even more socially pro-active, and we've been able to let go some of our hopes and expectations for alone or me time.

Lilly's happy as usual, nursing just as much during the daytime, she's now also taken on nursing her baby dolls. And she's getting more into solids, preferably when she can eat them herself. She's very proud of her new toddler knife, like mama and papa; she now gets to eat with a knife and fork. It all creates a big mess, of course, especially since she refuses wearing a bib (and when we have tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, like yesterday). But it's fun to watch too, and we're very proud of every spoonful she gets into her mouth.

unntakstilstand

In Norwegian, we have this term, "unntakstilstand." I can't think of an English equivalent (anybody want to suggest something?). Literally it means "state of exception." In the US, more drastic terms like "national state of disaster" or "emergency" are used.

Anyways. We're in the midst of one. Lilly woke up with a cold Christmas eve. After a couple of hours of childish grieving for the Christmas party we were supposed to have with our friends, Leighton and I pulled ourselves together, for the sake of Lilly and ourselves, and had a quite nice Christmas eve at our house, just the three of us. But then the days got long. Having to quarantine Lilly. And then the weather had us down and homebound too with snow, slush, and icy conditions. Then Leighton got sick too.

So now we all have rough nights, Lilly and Leighton because they're sick, I because I'm busy nursing and comforting Lilly. Last night, Lilly was awake from one a.m. till about four, coughing constantly. Around three, I finally was able to get some cough syrup down her throat, pour girl. And then she eventually settled down. Leighton was trying to sleep in the other room, having hard enough of a time on his own.

So we were quite the threesome when we met up for breakfast this morning, the three of us. That's when "unntakstilstand" enters. You're so crazy tired (all of us) and sick (Leighton and Lilly) or on the verge of getting sick (me), that you just crack up and get a little silly. The day just felt out of the ordinary (it must be, right???!!!), so you change things up. I got Lilly and I dressed quickly so we could drive our sick hubby/papa to the library this morning so he didn't need to walk there in this freakin' cold weather we're having now (which, by the way, looks absolutely stunning with blue sky, sunshine, moon still out, snow covered fields). Then we did our various errands. In and out of the car seat, me so tired I feel drugged, Lilly silly tired too, just lounging in her car seat, giggling when I take her in and out of it, gazing amusedly at the various things on the shelves in the stores. When she's like this, she loves cruising down isles in the cart, first the drug store, then the grocery store. Everything is just kind of like on a spin.

At home again, we settle down, I do the dishes, it's still only about 10 a.m. At the grocery store, I've picked up a copy of In Style, a fashion magazine. Haven't purchased a magazine like that in years. But today is different, we need to look at some glamour, feel that there's freshness and style out there (for by now I haven't showered in days). Lilly sits contently on my lap as we leaf through the magazine. Somehow it gets to be lunch time, and then after that I am, lo and behold!, able to put her down for a nap. Glory (and rest! if not sleep) to all.

Then Leighton's with her in the afternoon, I try to work a little in the study, they watch some Baby Einstein, listen to music and dance, read books, play with the new train, try to play with the play-doh, papa makes dinner. I work at home so Lilly has access to the boob every now and then; it's more urgently needed on a day like today.

This is our life. So goes another day. We have our dinner, which always involves teasing at least some food into Lilly, playing with food, water, cleaning up, running around, she wants to play. Then we (one of us) do play some with her while the other does the dishes. The one who's with her gives her a bath. Then it's time to brush teeth, settle down. And go to bed. Which I have the honor of accompanying her to do, seeing it's what she prefers. And it can be hard, a long hour of sucking and squirming and up and down and agony. Tonight was intense. But here I am now, on the couch, the Christmas tree all lit up, candles burning on the mantle piece, Leighton next to me. And I'm so ready to sleep... But first I want to savor this very moment. And the one below.

winter wonderland

Last night was kind of rough; Lilly's teething again and couldn't find comfort. So she sucked all she could on my boobs, so frustrated when they couldn't give her the soothing she craved. Poor baby. Poor mama. We were both so tired this morning. But then Leighton pointed out: it's snowing outside! First snow is always magic that way (we did get some one day, early in October, but it can't count, it melted right away and we've had balmy fall days since). Today was winter. For real. And Lilly was mesmerized. Her home setting slowly changing. Leighton left for the library around eight, while Lilly and I kept admiring the the snow falling from inside. I think Leighton felt a bit sorry for me this morning though. He suggested we watch a movie and just relax (I had planned to do some errands up in the city). I sometimes feel it's easier to just push through and do things when I'm really tired, but today, all Lilly wanted to do was to hug, snuggle, sit on my lap, play puzzles in my lap, read in my lap, snuggle more, and suck on the boob, every 30 minutes or so. So in the end I dimmed the lights, lit some candles, and put on Frosty the snow man. She got the DVD from grandma Julie when she came out to visit last month and they watched it quite a bit, but I've never seen it yet. Lilly loves music, so Julie thought she'd enjoy it. And apparently she does! As Frosty counts his finger, Lilly mimicked with her hand. When the children danced around Frosty, Lilly danced too. When the children all joined in a parade to take Frosty to the train station so he could get a ride to the north pole before he'd melt away, she stomped her feet along with them. I couldn't help but choke up, and then Lilly looked at me a little unsettled. But we both laughed when Santa came to the rescue in the end and got Frosty to the north pole while assuring us that every Christmas, he'll be back. Phew.


I guess I'm just feeling kind of emotional these days. Some hormonal mess-me-up? Or is that even more wishful thinking? That my body is kicking into ovulation gear? I'd wish. But these last couple of days, I've suddenly been grieving the unconceived child (that I just the other day felt just fine about). The conception of Lilly was a miracle (it always is, but, you know, with Lilly, I'd just been told I couldn't conceive naturally, which was the story I'd been told since I was eighteen). So how could I, now at the age of 36, ever conceive naturally again. On top of being painfully tired (from parenting), while very happy (from parenting), I find myself wishing for more (parenting). Now, this must be hormonal, yes?

But I was going to tell you more about today. I had to do at least one errand for tonight's dinner. And just to get outside. And Lilly just stood there, taking in the snow. The magic. Frosty! There was snow in Wyoming too and she saw it there over Thanksgiving break (check out our Casper mountain album if you haven't already). But maybe because then the snow had all already settled on the ground. Maybe because of the fierce winds, she just wasn't that into it. But today she just kept watching it falling, she stepped and kicked around in it, dabbed her glove into it, tasted it. It was simply precious to watch. We'll get lots of use of that new snowsuit now!

(Left: Lilly in her new snowsuit, from grandpa and grandma Cheryl, out in Casper, Wyoming, over Thanksgiving break.
Right: Lilly at the airport, in Denver, on our way to Casper. Her look catches the wonder she expressed when she saw snow today.)

Three weeks till Christmas eve today. After watching Frosty, I put on some Bing Crosby Christmas carols while we got ready to head out for the store. As I walked home this afternoon from the library, torches were lit up along the sidewalks downtown for the annual winter walk, children waiting on Bridge square for Santa to appear. I passed by some friends and had a little visit, felt rich and privileged.

It's a magical season.

But one troubled with memories too.

bitching mama

             I like to vent, air out those things that bug me. After that, I’m good. At least for a while. I used to bitch a lot about my academic position: the long work hours, the petty politics during departmental meetings, committee meetings, faculty meetings (and oh, there were more meetings). The students who didn’t do the work, or the students who did do their work, but who were unwilling to open their minds. Most of all, I bitched about the lack of time for my own research and writing; I was supposed to have a third for each: teaching, scholarship, and administrative work. Instead, I put in 150% on teaching, at least 75% on administrative work, leaving no time for what I in the end was dying to do, even with 70 work hours per week.

            I bitch a lot now too that I’m a mama slash freelance writer, working non-stop from at home or the library. But unlike when I bitched about my academic job, I now get tons of unsolicited advice and unwelcome critical questions and glances. You’re still breastfeeding? You’re still sleeping with your child? You spend an entire hour putting her down for sleep at night, and also often for her nap? You don’t let her cry? You haven’t vaccinated her? You haven’t had a date yet? (Our daughter was almost a year and a half by the time we had our first and so far only real evening date, when my husband’s mom came out to visit for a week). I could go on and on.

            The general gist is that people seem to think we give too much, sacrifice ourselves too much, and all for our baby. At the same time, however, they comment on how safe and content our daughter strikes them to be, so happy and interested in others. I like to think our parenting style has something to do with that. Sure, we give tons. Yet we could give more. I can still and do often feel guilty. Especially when I feel annoyed and irritated by the time it takes me to calm her down for nap and bedtime (because she still needs me for that. But then on the other hand, that’s precious bonding time for the two of us). All the nighttime parenting, which reads as follows: her sucking and biting on my boob, frustrated when it doesn’t completely soothe the teething pain, climbing and punching and squeezing my body, me not able to go to the bathroom, for if I leave the bed, she’ll cry. Or, I get out of bed and go pee with her in my lap, as I pee, and wipe myself. This all is interspersed, of course, with very dear hugs, kisses, strokes and cuddling. There are even times when she does play with my hair quite tenderly, instead of pulling so hard I think I’ll get another bold spot.

And that’s when I bitch (when I think I’ll go bald, I mean, or at least grey). But it doesn’t mean I want anything differently. As opposed to when I bitched about my academic position. That job I was really unhappy with. This job I love to death. Even when I bitch the most about it.

            This seems a difficult thing to get for many. And I just can’t quite get why. Because it seems to be something we all do: bitch and vent before we go on, without changing or necessarily wanting to change the way we do things.

            I just think it’s kind of interesting. To observe. That’s all.

the nursing relationship, part II

When the going gets tough, I find comfort in sharing the truth. When I can name the worst of what's going on for me, I don't need to worry some inner tsunami will build up, erupt and wash me away. When I hear the truth of others, I feel we're not in such bad shape after all; we all struggle. At least, we're not the only ones who can say or do things we later find excruciatingly childish, hurtful, and embarrassing. So this past weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon skyping for two hours with a friend in Oslo, and then Sunday I went for a morning walk with a friend in town and then later we all went over to their house in the afternoon. It was a weekend of sharing, talking, crying, and laughing. It was a good weekend for us.

But, we're still painfully tired, at least Leighton and I; Lilly's her same chirpy and energized self, rising well before the sun. Then she also gets a lot of comfort at home base to kick off from. -- The nighttime weaning is going so-so: the second night went even better than the first; when Lilly wanted boob around 2 a.m., I told her the boob's asleep and she lied down again to sleep right away. The third night I forgot and, half-asleep, gave her the boob when she grabbed for it. Fourth night it seemed silly to stick to the time limits I'd decided upon. And last night she started crying when I said the boob's asleep. And I can't deal with that. Our friends suggested we react too strongly to Lilly's crying, maybe projecting our own wounded childhood memories of crying onto her. That all crying isn't necessarily coming from an unsafe hurtful place. That it can also be a way of venting, showing disapproval. There could be some truth to that. But we are who we are and need to work from that. Eventually last night, Leighton took her into the other bedroom, and last night she did find comfort in sleeping with him, in the nook of his arm, snuggled close to his body.

So as to avoid too drawn out of a thing before nap and nighttime, Lilly's (for) now on a late nap and late bedtime "schedule," with a lot of nighttime nursing, and a lot of daytime nursing and cuddling too. Someday we'll miss this, I know. Often I embrace this time to be so close, so needed, wanted, to be able to give her what makes her happy and feel safe. Other times, I bitch about it, feel stuck, un-free. Leighton asked me the other day, how I can be so angry sometimes over a decision I've chosen myself. It's an interesting question. For me, I think it has to do with the fact that it doesn't feel quite like a free choice. I'm not simply myself anymore, I'm also hers. So it's not really just my decision.

We're really looking forward to Thanksgiving break, which we'll be spending in Casper mountain, Wyoming, with Leighton's dad and his family, at a Bed & Breakfast lodge called Sunburst lodge. We're leaving tomorrow morning, back late Sunday night. I look forward to hanging out with family, soaking in the hot tub, walking in the mountains, - and Lilly will just love it! Being the socialite that she is. So the days will be fun for her, and thus also for us.

in the nick of time

Turns out Leighton got home just in the nick of time; I was feeling really tired Friday morning, as was Lilly. Impossible to recover from a cold when also taking care of a sick baby whose nights are interrupted by coughing fits. These last couple of mornings I've been getting some rest in the morning while Leighton's with Lilly. This morning his mom was also here with her (she got in late last night): I can see while some like generational homes. It's really helpful to have another adult here to play with Lilly and help take care of her. It's a mild sunny day and we're all heading to the park now to play at the playground.

last day just Lilly and mama

It'll have been two (work) weeks that it's been just Lilly and I when Leighton gets back tomorrow, Friday (he left on a Monday, two weeks ago this coming Monday). While of course I look forward to seeing him again, and the time I'll be getting again now for my stuff (I'm supposed to get full as opposed to half workdays next week, which also coincides with Leighton's mom's visit: Julie, I hope you realize this and don't think I'm just rude when I take off every morning while you're here!). I can tell though that I'm also sort of dreading giving up this routine Lilly and I got going, or at least I'm anxious how what we now have nailed down, what of it that works, will be upset, changed. In particular the meals and sleep routines; I love how we got those kind of figured out in a calm way now. She's eating more too, more solids, for all three meals. We eat lunch and dinner earlier, and she goes down earlier for nap and in the evening. She started going down for her nap earlier before Leighton left too; because she wasn't feeling well, we think, maybe also the days getting shorter, because she'd go to bed earlier too. It's really nice in the evening how she'll go down around six now and it only takes half an hour from we're done with dinner, teeth brush and face & hands washed till she's asleep.

It really has also been an adventure to be just Lilly and I, and I always love an adventure, to see just how much I can do! That we both got sick on top of being alone just made me feel all the stronger.

Last night was another rough night; Lilly kept waking up from coughing fits. Then around 4 a.m. I noticed her pajama, both bottom and top, were soaked with pee (as was my pillow that she was lying on). So of course I had to change her, and after that she couldn't sleep again. So we had another long day ahead of us. But it turned out a smooth day, a good day. We read books (first thing she wants to do now), ate breakfast (she had lots of oatmeal and banana), watched the Baby Einstein DVDs. I showered, then pumped (now with more time in the morning, since I'm not rushing off for work, I have pumped almost every morning, storing up for some time off...). Then Lilly pooped (she said "do"! I wasn't sure at first, we typically just see it in her face, or she poops right away in the morning when she goes to the potty to pee; I love it if this is a new more advance cue! Sometimes she'll also point to the bathroom or walk out there. But today I was in the living room pumping and she walked up to me and said "do." ). I finished pumping, because I thought maybe she was also trying to say an animal sound or something, or "dog?" But she says "dog!" more with an emphasis, not in the questioning manner. And as I was wondering if she wanted to poo, it was clear something was on its way... We rushed to the bathroom, and a little turd was indeed on its way, but we got it all into the potty, lots of poop. She sat there contently, on her potty, reading her books, as she pooped. I love it.

Then we ran errands (Cubs for groceries, Wallgreens for more cold meds, bakery for bread) and home for lunch around 11. Done by 11:30, Lilly slept by 12:05. Slept two good hours while I had some time to work. I felt so tired, but for me the urge is typically to get some of my things done, sleep rarely tops the list, I am an experienced insomniac after all (I think I almost benefit some from that now...).

Lilly wanted out almost right away after her nap (after reading Goodnight Moon a couple of times first, it's so cool how she's into all her books these days. Thanks Marte and Lori for giving them to her!). I was so tired, I can tell I am more tired from being just me with her (the required attention), it's more like last year (I remember the afternoons being in particular challenging), and from us both being sick. Heading out felt so good! And she was so happy! Strolled down to Central Park, she played at the playground. I was dreading leaving when time would come for that, the unhappiness... But after 45 minutes, she decided she was done. She just walked off the park, turned around and said "bye" to the playground. I followed with the stroller, she walked beside me, all the way down to Division st. And then along Division st. to Bridge square, but by then I was getting tired of having to be so vigilant with her downtown, what with the traffic, and so I put her in the stroller. Fortunately, I'd brought snacks (bread and apple) which prevented unhappiness due to the "restriction," having to sit down. She was actually really happy on the way home.

Got home around 4:30, we'd been out for an hour and a half. Got food ready, fed her while I prepared it, she ate quite a bit, bread, grapes, some turkey and cheese, cucumber. She was so tired by 5:30, I asked if we should brush teeth, she went straight to the bathroom, but cried when I did brush them (how can we make this a positive experience???). She slept by 6:09. I hope tonight goes more smoothly for her.

Leighton called around 6:30, he's having a layover in Chicago now, we didn't talk much, I'm afraid of making sound, that might stir Lilly. Dishes are done now, it's almost 7:30, I'll have some time to read, relax. I've tidied up, lit the candles, it feels peaceful here (and hopefully it'll stay that way, unlike yesterday evening).

I was so proud of Lilly at the playground and look forward to having Leighton back and his mom here (she arrives Saturday night) to show off! She can climb up and slide down the big (but not the biggest) slide on the playground all by herself now! She did it endlessly, tirelessly today. So fun! At least she got lots of exercise. She's such a brave, strong girl. I love it. And then way she walked, almost ran, next to me, understanding not to veer from the sidewalk or take a left or a right if we weren't heading that way, hold my hand when we crossed a street, unless it seemed safe (she prefers to walk all on her own).

I'm also glad we didn't have to go through rush hour traffic this afternoon to pick up Leighton, Lilly wouldn't have been very happy in the car either, and it would have made it difficult to have dinner and get her in bed by her usual (new usual) time. It'll be good to go get papa in the morning tomorrow (he's spending the night by the airport, at his uncles'). As soon as we're done with our morning routine, we'll head out and drive up there, we'll all be fresher, we can be home for a leisurely lunch and some playtime maybe, and then Lilly can nap, and Leighton and I can talk, reconnect, he can unpack, get laundry set, we can organize all the things he brought over for us from Norway, some of our winter gear, books and notes, etc. I look forward to all of that, our day and evening tomorrow, we'll have fresh fish from the co-op for dinner and I got a film on DVD from the library for us that we can watch when Lilly is in bed.

Update: less than 2 minutes after I posted this, Lilly coughed herself awake. Looks like I'll be Florence Nightingale this night also.

Update II: So Lilly slept 1 1/2 hour, awoke from coughing, awoke after another half hour from coughing, then after 10 minutes, 5, 2 ... In the end she was so distraught, her cough sounds terrible, all she wants is to sleep and yet it hurts so much. I don't blame her; my chest hurts too now, yet my cough isn't nearly as bad as hers. In the end I just held her in my arms, sat in the living room with her for a bit, then turned off all the the lights in the house, went into our bedroom with her, lied down, made no attempts to leave the bed. Whenever she coughed, she could settle more quickly with me right there. The night nurse.

Now soon off to get Leighton home.

got guts

My friend Amanda just posted in her blog ("no guts, no glory") about how we mamas, while we may seem soft at times, really are the ones who have the guts to run the world, and yet we don't. Hear, hear! I feel like one very gutsy mama these days. True, Sunday was rather long to get through, sleep deprived and sick, with Lilly sick too, but we did it. Monday was better already, and we had things to do. The library in the morning, the park in the afternoon, sunshine outside. Lilly was feeling great, and I was already feeling better too.

Today started off even better yet, though we got up at 5, but the night was calm, and we had things to do. A visit at 8:30, library at 10, sunshine outside. But then, sure enough, Lilly got overtired and so was not able to go down for a nap, spinning around all wired instead. Now that I'm feeling better, I was really looking forward to getting some work done while she'd sleep, or maybe even some crunches. What I miss the most right now is time to work and time to exercise. And then she just couldn't sleep. Like last Thursday after the ladies luncheon; she had gone beyond.

So, we hit the road. And she fell asleep. I figured we might as well run some errands. She slept for half an hour or so, then she woke up as we pulled over for our first errand. She was not very happy after that. Symbolically, it gets really windy and starts to rain, it's mean outside, and it's no better being inside of the car, the way Lilly's behaving in her car seat at this point. But I'm staying calm, I know she's just really tired, everything hurts more.

It's tough for a while, but then, as she crashes early, it's all calm. And then I get busy, executing all those tasks.

We mamas do rule. And we should get more credit for it. In that outside political world.

For more as to why, check out Ann Crittenden's The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued and The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter by Katherine Ellison. This last one was recommended to me by my friend and fellow mama Lori, and it really speaks to Amanda's post about how we mamas are perceived as "soft," and yet we're not. Just. We're not mush brains; we're excelling at multitasking and multimaneuvring with a multidispersered attention ability.

all saints day

Lilly and I are officially both sick with the common cold. She of course has been on and off struggling with teething and discomfort the last couple of weeks or so. But now she's coughing like an old man slash former smoker while I'm sneezing galore and have a really sore throat. We both have snot running out of our noses like crazy. So we're quite the pair. I was actually a little surprised she seemed so out of it this morning because her night was pretty good (she slept from 7:30 - 00:30, ate and coughed some, then slept again till 3:45 or so, same routine then, and then again till 6). Which was actually 5, seeing we had to set the clock one hour back. So up we got, done with breakfast and our two Baby Einstein DVDs (she's getting rather musical by watching/interacting with these; brings out her little piano now (in addition to puzzle works and books and toys and stuffed animals to match what she's seeing on the screen) and plays quite well, I must say!) by 7 a.m. Now whereas she slept like an angel in between her cough bouts last night, I was up nursing a sudden onset of extremely sore throat (you know, when it cuts like several knives in there), stuffy nose, and achy body, with Cloraseptic, nasal spray, tylenol, and hot cider. Couldn't find comfort even after all that to sleep. So I was so tired this morning. And so was she.

I had a hot shower and gave her a long warm bath, we both enjoyed our water treats, and it helped clear our nostrils some. Then we ran errands, sparkling water at Cubs (I love how it feels when my throat is sore!), kleenex at Target (!), and fruits etc. at the Coop. Home for an early lunch (a can of chicken noodle soup and turkey sandwiches; Lilly ate some cheese and turkey, threw the noodles slick with broth on the floor, sigh). Nap (90 minutes), downtime (60 minutes), Skype with papa (30 minutes).

It's 3 p.m. and very nice out by now. Lilly is whiny, it hurts all over, for her, and for me, we're both so out of it. But we head out, it's good to be outside. Lilly wants to bike her tricycle, which she can't, she's too little, and I don't have the energy to lean over (and have snot coming out all the time), pushing her. I suggest we go for a stroll; she wants a ride in the car. I told her we already used the car today, time for some fresh air. In the end, she points to the stroller with a sigh, ok, then. And on we go for a little afternoon stroll in a suddenly very balmy sunny weather. Sunshine, no winds, 60 F. Downtown and back again, slowly, it's a good half hour.

By now it's time to make dinner: tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Lilly eats lots of ham, cheese and tomato soup with bread! Oh, and pickled cucumbers (good ones, from Trader Joe's). After tomatoes, tomato soup and tilapia (fish) are her favorite food items these days. She's into Ts I guess.

She's suddenly very happy being home again after our time out, plays in her kitchen while I do the dishes. And then it's time to brush teeth and get ready for bed (I figure her body is still on yesterday's clock). And sure enough, she sleeps by 6, which was 7 yesterday.

Oops, was just about to post this as she stirred, needed comfort, coughing and tooting (she might have eaten all that food a tad bit too fast???). Really hard to comfort a baby when you need to sneeze so bad it's insane. I never got this: how can a nose be sneezy and runny while also being so stuffy you can't breath? I mean, I just don't see how stuffiness goes with watery creeks coming out of your nose, so that you're still left panting, breathing through your mouth, like a dog. Just a technicality, anyway.

today I yelled at Lilly

Today I yelled at Lilly, and I feel terrible, so ashamed! It's never happened before and I dread it ever happening again. We had actually had a pretty good morning, she got up with a smile, despite her cough and still some snot, and today I woke up with a sore throat too. But we had a fine time over breakfast, we played, watched Baby Einstein (she's getting so good at identifying and mimicking the sounds of animals! and pointing at her nose and ears etc., repeating "nose" along with the DVD). I sorted laundry, showered, and then it's time for action. Lilly is typically eager to leave the house by 9:30 or 10; today there was no event at the library (because of Halloween), but I figured we'd bundle up for a walk, do an errand downtown.

But then we tried too much at the end: Leighton wanted to Skype at 10, Lilly laughed and waved at him at first, but then got upset when I wouldn't let her bang at the keyboard, and she doesn't like it when we (he and I) talk, she wants it to be with her, too, which of course makes sense! Leighton was reluctant to hang up, he had lots to share and misses his girls (and of course we miss him too!). He was in tears as we hung up, which also makes me feel terrible. But now it was close to 10:20 and Lilly was getting very antsy. So. On with the clothes (this is never fun), it was cold, so I decided we needed to put her boots on. Which were terribly muddy from last weekend at the orchard. So I wanted to clean them real quick. Not to Lilly's agreement. At this point she's crying, screaming, not just whining. I explain, in Norwegian, that I just have to clean her boots real quick and then we'll get going. She points to the door, kicks her legs into the floor, wants out now! And so then I yell, you just have to wait a little bit, and then we'll go out! Of course, she only starts bawling from this. And then I remember that anguish, when my mom yelled at me when I was a child, how the world just stopped making sense at that point.

So I took her in my arms, went into her bedroom, sat and rocked her on the bed, nursed her, lied down with her and nursed her some more. She was soon happy again and excited when I said we'll go out now and her happiness mostly lasted till we were out of the house (interspersed with some spouts of whining as I had to go wash my hands to get the mud of, get my scarf and hat from the closet, etc.)

Then we leave the house, she's so happy walking my purse to the stroller, sits down happily, it's freaking windy and cold, but we're dressed for it. The sun's peeking through. At the coffee shop, our destination to pick up more coffee, it's super crowded, people pressing ahead in line. Lilly wants up, but it goes ok. We leave the shop, she has to squint against the sun in the stroller on the way back, the shade doesn't go down far enough. And then, just as we're two blocks from the house, her head falls to the side, she's falling asleep. This cannot happen!! Then she will not have a nap (she magically has this only one chance to fall asleep for a nap, I don't get it. And she won't be transported to bed from stroller or car seat if she falls asleep there). So I lift her up into my arms and she cries. At this point I feel like the worst mom ever.

We make it to the house and now she's so happy again to be home. I want to see if she can eat some food, some lunch, before she sleeps (this is risky business to try: she hasn't shown much interest in solids lately, though she did eat quite a bit of the tilapia we had for dinner last night--we have fish for dinner every Friday, it's fresh at the Co-op then. But she did actually end up eating quite a bit of cheese and turkey for lunch today and even some orange. Typically she only has fun saying, 'appelsin.' But now she ate it too).

So, then it's time to try and see if she'll sleep. It's noon, she's been going down around 11:30 lately, maybe she missed her window on Thursday, when we had the ladies luncheon here from eleven til one thirty, I don't want that to happen again. She's yawning, so clearly tired. But struggles to surrender to sleep. I leave the room twice in despair. By 12:40 she's sleeping, beautifully, at my breast. She is the most precious child in the world, I just have to kiss her, though I don't want to wake her. I kiss her cheek and stroke her head, she sleeps so peacefully. Our little Lilly, delicate in appearance, yet strong and enduring.

another day goes by

Today we had only one task on our to-do list: grocery shopping for the brunch-lunch tomorrow. So we had lots of time to fill... And so we did! And it was a pretty good day, I must say, though gray and kind of gloomy.

The day begins with the night before, I find, so here goes: Lilly had another rough night last night; I gave her some more medication around 2 a.m., propped her head on a pillow, dabbed some eucalyptus around her nostrils, gave some more boob, tickled her head, and all that seemed to help. Morning went by pretty smoothly: breakfast, some Baby Einstein (while I checked e-mail real quick), shower. Then off to the grocery store, Lilly loves Cub! Funny I boycotted it at first when it came to town. She was happy in the cart for a while, then walked/ran around; she was good about coming along though and of course charms everyone with her big glee as she wanders about like that. She loves carrying the key and getting it into the key hole on the car and house, so that makes exiting fairly easy too.

After Cub, there was still some time before lunch, so we headed up to St. Olaf College to say hi to my friend Nancy in art history. Lilly loves the Dittmann Center as well; fun space to hang out in. I ran into two former great con students of mine, nice to chat with them a little too. They're seniors now.

After that, Lilly was very tired... We headed home for an early lunch while we Skyped with papa (my Leighton). Lilly waved and smiled. Then crashed ten to twelve and slept for a whole three hours! Unfortunately, I don't feel like I was too productive during that time. I kept hearing her cough and was on pins and needles expecting her to wake up anytime. But she slept through it all. And then she was very happy when she woke up! And wanted out after only a little playtime inside (she got shoes on and pointed to the door). So we went to Central park to play at the playground there.

I got cold (should have worn a hat like Lilly) and it was getting close to dinner, so we headed home after 45 minutes or so, against Lilly's will, I'm afraid. But when I told her we should go check on "Eddy" (one of her stuffed animals, a dog; she loves dogs -- she got to visit with a dog at the park and barked back at her...), she got more into being home. She got a little impatient when she realized what would come next (eating); she wanted the food to be done and on the table and for her to sit in her chair by the table. She didn't want any food though, as it turned out. But was happy enough by the table nonetheless. So I had a fairly calm meal... Soup from Lori (thank you Lori!). In addition to the lentil & tomato soup we had yesterday, Lori also had made and brought us some quinoa chowder with potatoes, tofu and kale (I think those must have been the ingredients). I heated it up so it was really warm, which felt so good, and also had some bread, butter, herb mustard, strong cheddar, ham and grapes. Lilly did in fact try both the sandwich and the soup, but mostly played and talked.

I asked if she wanted to "bade" (take a bath) after supper and tonight she was up for it! And she had so much fun in there! Splashing around, playing "opp og ned" (up and down), etc., etc. She did not want to get out, but she got so wired, in the end I had her come out. Which she was fine with. She actually seemed a little cold. She kept yawning too. But was still very wired.

So tonight she did not have such an easy time falling asleep. I also didn't give her any medicine, because the bath cleared her airways a bit and I thought she might be fine. But after a while in bed, she was very congested, kept coughing and sneezing and rubbing her eyes and nose. So I gave her some medicine again, and she fell asleep after that and some more boob, around seven thirty. Tomorrow is the last day we can give her medicine on this round at least (it'll have been ten days, and directions say to stop after that). I hope she'll be feeling better...

Now it's already eight thirty and there are so many things on my to-do list! At the same time I'm tired. Which partly explains my use of time when Lilly napped as well; a little of this, a little of that, hard to focus on one thing or really get into work. I'm reading a little fiction, reading a little for work, analyzing a little film for work, watching a little film for fun. Responding to some emails from friends, writing some that are related to work. This way the time goes by.

home alone with Lilly

Yesterday Leighton left for Norway where he'll spend the next ten days, in Oslo, attending seminars at the Ibsen center, working on his paper, seeing the dentist, visiting with friends, among other. In the meantime, Lilly and I are here at home, on our own. I've been kind of excited about this time, it's sort of an adventure, how well can we do it? And it's nice to know Leighton can have all this time to focus on work and get good sleep at night. So how have we fared so far?

Well, Lilly fell asleep on the way to the airport yesterday, only got about 40 min. of sleep in the car, typically she sleeps a couple of hours, but she seems to only have one precious "falling asleep" quota per day. So she got tired end of the day. I took her for a long stroll in the afternoon, gorgeous fall sunshine weather. Then we stopped at the library (she loves it there, never wants to leave). Home for a quick dinner (heated up some tomato soup from the Co-op, anything else seemed daunting with a tired baby in my arms). Lilly fell asleep at an amazing 18:20, needed some comforting again around 19, slept again from 19:20 and till after I was in bed (which was early, but still...). She's been falling asleep earlier these few days, what with not feeling good and all (she used to fall asleep around eight, eight-thirty, and after 45 minutes of boob. Now it only takes 15 minutes or so). Her nights are not great though. Last night she sounded congested as well, and for a long while would just stare up into the ceiling.

This morning she was happy though. A friend of mine told me she and her husband often find it can actually be easier with just one parent. Their son would just "finne seg i" (live with having) to relate to the style and rhythm of the one parent, and sometimes that makes things easier, she told me. I did found that to be true this morning. Typically, Lilly is very needy in the morning. Today it was as if she realized I had to do certain things like make breakfast and then shower and she was fine with that; plus there was nobody else to ask for attention while I was doing all those things. At lunch too, when she's always tired and ready for her nap, I found it easier without Leighton here because I wasn't also trying to have a conversation with him.

That said, we miss him! Which actually makes me appreciate Lilly's company even more.

After breakfast, we watched a new Baby Einstein DVD that I checked out from the library yesterday. We just *love* their DVDs!! This one was about animals in the neighborhood; Lilly loves dogs and there were lots of them on this one to interact with. We've been watching the da Vinci one for a while; it's about body parts and Lilly has learned from it to say and point to certain body parts, like nose, eyes, mouth.

Then it was time to walk over to the library, fun time for both Lilly and mama. We strolled in the beautiful sunshine. The group was smaller today, which was kind of nice: easier to talk with the adults and get to know each other better.

We had to stop at the Co-op for milk on the way home, Lilly was tired and winy at this point... We Skyped real quick with Leighton when we got home, Oslo is six hours ahead of us now, he was at the university library, tired from a long journey and then a long day at the Ibsen center and the library. His suitcase did not arrive (and he won't get it till tomorrow), so that's unfortunate. And he had a bumpy ride from Minneapolis to Chicago. Otherwise good from there to Stockholm and then Oslo. Lilly waved to the image of him on the screen, very cute!

She napped for an hour and a half after that and I got to work some. Then my dear friend Lori stopped by just as Lilly woke up. Lori had made a couple of batches of soup today and had some for us, knowing it's not easy to cook with just one adult around to tend to a baby. I was *very*grateful for that soup when dinner time came around and I again had to hold a tired baby in my arms while heating up some soup. In between of Lori's visit and that, we'd been out in the gorgeous fall weather again, headed over to the Co-op, picked up some bread for the soup and a few other things, Lilly got to play in the play area at the shop. She didn't want to leave at first, but then got tired. On the way home, she coughed a lot, her nose is very runny now. I can hear her still now, this evening, as she's sleeping, coughing every now and then. I hope she can still get some good rest tonight... I put her head on a pillow to ease with the congestion.

Our good neighbors Dee and Gregg are also gone this week, visiting their daughter in Nicaragua. Lilly and I are looking after their cats, and house. Lilly loves cats, so it was a good distraction to check in on them, add food to their food bowls, pet them a little (though they were rather shy) between dinner and bed time. Lilly hasn't been wanting her bath the last few nights. Just get the teeth brushed, hands washed, and then straight to bed. Again tonight she fell asleep quickly, by 18:20.

I've lit some candles, sipping on a glass of red wine, feeling so tired, but good about the day. Listening for Lilly, hoping she won't get too sick.

We have no plans tomorrow, will go grocery shopping in the morning, if it's nice I'll try to rake some. Lilly likes being out with me doing that. Unless she's too sick, I guess... Thursday I'm having some ladies over for a brunch, then Lilly and I are invited to a pumpkin carving/painting dinner party later that day. Friday we'll go to the library again for an open class (we'll probably go tomorrow and Thursday too, to be around all the fun books and toys, other kids and parents who're there to check things out), and then in we're meeting some friends for a happy hour beer later in the day. Saturday there's also an open class at the library in the morning, and of course we're excited for Halloween to be here and hope lots of kids will stop by in the evening. Sunday there's a Halloween party for preschoolers at Carleton College in the afternoon that we plan on attending.

So, this gives you an impression of our days here, without Leighton. I'll try to work when Lilly naps, catch up on email etc. in the evening. Every other day we'll feed the cats and play with them. If it stays nice, and Lilly's healthy enough, we'll be outside a lot. Or inside playing if not.

attitudes

I was going to post something earlier this week about how everything depends on one's attitude. After a rough end of last week, we had a glorious sunny fall weekend and I woke up Monday to another (final, for now) nice day. I turned to Leighton and said, "last night wasn't so bad, huh?!" And he was like, what do you mean, she was so squirmy all night.

So, it's all about attitude.

Or is it?

Because the day after, it was clear to us, something is going on. A cold, the flu? No: teething. Her corner teeth are coming out, I can feel the swollen bumps, she keeps clenching her mouth, wrapping her lips over her teeth and kind of gnawing, grabbing her mouth with her hand, as if to rip it out, looking at us in agony, crying. Nothing helps. The teething rings, the homeopathic remedies. Still hurts, still can't sleep. So we caved in and got infant tylenol. And she got some rest. It's been five days now, and still no tooth. How much pain is she (and we...) going to have to endure before those darn teeth come through?

On another note, we still got some things done today. It was another spectacular fall day, Leighton cleaned the gutters, Lilly and I went to the library. Nancy Carlson was visiting to talk about her books, lots of parents and children there. For pics., see the library's blog post here. The distraction and getting out was good for Lilly and I. Then she almost fell asleep in the car home, though it was about two hours before her regular nap time. She slept, Leighton packed, I looked through notes.

When she woke up, I felt the day would never end. Leighton tried to Skype with her with his mom and grandparents, not so easy with an unhappy child. They watched Sesame Street. They played. Eventually Leighton went out and played with Lilly while I cooked.

Now she's sleeping and I can breath deeply again, we're trying to recover. Hope to see a DVD. Tomorrow Leighton will pack and Lilly and I will be outs and abouts, plan on going to an orchard for hayrides and more fun. Hopefully.

breathing room

After last week's post/rant: here's an update. The weather was great this weekend. Got outside for some yard work. Lilly was out with Anne on Saturday to rake the the yard and driveway (which was covered with leaves and walnuts). I borrowed our neighbors truck so I could take the yard waste to the compost site. Sunday afternoon after Lilly's nap we went out to rake more leaves and walnuts which just in that short time covered the driveway again. Lilly liked being outside. I cleaned the gutters on the garage and cut down the hostas while she ran around. Our neighbors were out too and Lilly was very impressed by the mower and leaf blower.

Today again we had beautiful weather. After errands and the library, Lilly and I played outside in the yard before lunch. We had just long-sleeved T-shirts (no jackets!): the sun was warm and the air felt healthy against the body and in the lungs.

It was my afternoon to work. I was surprised I could sit inside with such weather, but I felt refreshed from the weekend and morning outside. I felt renewed even. As if it knew -- 'IT' -- that somethings gotta give! Gotta give these people a break with the weather if their going to make it through the winter sane and sound.

Tonight at yoga I felt good, in sync with my practice. We were asked to set an intention. I chose a couple key words: focus and strength. I'm not the best at focusing my mind and body in the space, but I achieved some peace of mind when I found my breath in sync with my body. And I felt the strength in my body as I focused my breath and kept the pace. I felt the warmth in my body--the heat which comes from within.

During relaxation my thoughts turned into a kind of image. Breathing room, I thought. I don't know what this space is for you, where you might find it, if at all, but I felt it in my body. Though this would typically be considered space around the body. I felt it and I took a few big breaths, metaphorically speaking.

This reminds me of a quote I heard about parenting which went something like, "Parenting is the hardest job and it's given to amateurs." I think of this when I need a little breathing room, when I'm feeling a little shitty about being a bad dad or whatever. I tell myself it's OK to make mistakes; be the best dad I can be, which is the best I can do.

And when I'm feeling like I was last week--in a real funk over the weather--I need to remember to give myself a little breathing room, because the weather won't always do it for me, like today. Though I'm grateful for all the help I can get.

Lastly, I want to say something about yoga. It seems like I've been writing more and more about this. Since we've been back in the States, Anne and I have been going to yoga twice a week. Not only is this good 'I' time--alone, away from Anne and Lilly--it's feels like a good way to re-center my self. I'm not the best at doing this, like I suggest above: I don't often have much focus or peace of mind. (Sometimes I even get bored with the physical activity.) Although my thoughts are often outside the space and more often than not still 'at work' I do feel that yoga gives me some breathing room. I store this in my body. I take this with me. It's there when I need it and I can look forward to more every week.

when the going gets tough

Let's face it: Leighton and I have been struggling with our roles as parents lately. It all came to a top these past couple of days. While Lilly is taking on new tasks every day (she's getting quite good with the puzzle works we got from Lori, leafing through pages & studying pictures in books we also got from Lori and then a stack from Marte--thank you both!, she's understanding tons of words and will got and get things we ask her for, like a book, a doll, a teddy bear, a cup, a spoon, her potty, etc., she's also saying many more days every day (including "bæsje, appelsin, bade" = poop, orange, bathe) and can mimic and connect animal sounds with pictures of animals, she's beginning to identify different body parts--like nose, mouth, eyes, arranging her little kitchen bench, gathering things in her little bag, emptying and filling it, etc., etc.), Leighton and I are struggling not to get bored while we're with her. We both prefer the library events M, Tu, F morning because then we get to interact with other parents while the kids play. W and Th are hard. You'd think we could manage just a couple of days to ourselves, but the hours get long.

So we began contemplating a nanny those two mornings.

But we can't afford it.

Which sucks.

We really look forward to having grandma Julie here, Leighton's mom. She'll be here for a week once Leighton returns from Norway. He'll be gone Oct. 26 - Nov. 5, then she arrives on the 7th. Julie's told us she looks forward to some bonding time with Lilly, and has also told us repeatedly to take advantage of her while she is here. We would really like to go out for dinner, just the two of us (Leighton and I) one night and will try to do that. We still haven't had a date like that. Only in January did my friend Helene stroll Lilly in the park one Sunday while we had lunch nearby. And then in June my friend Hege came over one evening and Leighton and I went out for some beer next door while Lilly slept. (Thanks, all you three!!)

I'm beginning to see why people like daycares. But we do feel it's best for Lilly to be with us till she's at last two (we were thinking three). Or, if we could afford it, another adult person that she could get attached to. I was reading how during the first couple of years, building attachment to a few adults (including parents, but not limited to) is of the utmost importance. My fear is that in daycares (unless it's small and with qualified staff) they don't get that.

Another thing that makes parenting a pain for me at times, is that I'm still the one who puts her down, seeing she likes the comfort of the boob and we don't want to try the cry it out method, or the Ferber-method (where the child also cries it out but learns to self-sooth). For some reason, it's taking Lilly a really long time to settle down for sleep, even when she's really tired. Typically, it takes around 45 min. to an hour, both for her afternoon nap and at night. That's a lot of time when to lie down with her, when you're eager to get other things done.

I try to think of it as bonding time with her, I do love the cuddling, and she is awfully sweet, especially when she falls asleep partly draping my body, or at least a foot on my hip. It's a drag when she's squirmy, kicks me, pulls on the boob and my hair.

On a lucky night, she's sleeping by 8 p.m. and Leighton and I get some time to do some of the things that accumulate in a house, study, read, and write some, maybe blog a little, or respond to some emails.

Many nights it's more like 8:30 or later, but she almost never goes later than 8:45.

She'll then sleep till midnight or so, though often she'll wake earlier, and need comfort, typically by me. And typically she won't let go of me then. The other night, when I blogged the below post, she woke up right as I was finishing it up, and wanted me. Many nights I surrender, don't get to brush my teeth or wash my face, I just lie there with her (because she won't let me get up again). But that night, I refused. I took her with me into the living room while I finished some things. And then we joined Leighton in bed around midnight.

But on a good night she sleeps from 8 till midnight, then she nurses, and then she nurses again at around 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. and around 6 a.m. or 6:30 a.m., and then we get up for breakfast. She naps from around 1:30 p.m. and for a couple of hours.

Recently, however, she's been nursing every hour at night, from midnight till morning. I think maybe she's teething? Or could it be all our moving around? Is she clinging to me as the world is changing constantly for her, now that she's developing at such an exponential rate as well?

Who knows. But it's best to surrender to it, have no ambitions, be thankful for the nights that are easier.

And for days like today. It's a gorgeous fall day. After lots of dark, rainy, cold days, we had some snow, even, today is sunny, fall colors radiant orange, deep yellow, rusty red. After yoga this morning, I raked with Lilly playing around. Then we went for a stroll down to the park, along the river, and by the "Used a bit shoppe" where Lilly picked out a doll. She was so proud of it, walked out the store with it in her arms, and since Rita, the doll we got from our Greek friend Irini in Apollonas this summer, is falling apart, I figured ... And it was only a buck. And Lilly's maternal instinct is blossoming these days, it seems. She loves the dolls in the library too. While she still really likes stuffed animals.


(Northfield, by the river)

After our stroll downtown, we walked home for lunch together, she was playing happily with her kitchen things while I finished eating, and then we lied down for her nap, and there she is now. I imagine we have another half hour to sit here with our computers, Leighton and I, before she wakes up. Leighton might clean the gutters, or wait till tomorrow. While Lilly and I were raking and out and about this morning, he was busy taking boxes with stuff from the office I had at St. Olaf College to the recycling dumpster, and while I was putting Lilly down, he took Greg's truck with our leaves to the compost ground. So now his back is hurting, my man struggles with a bad back. It's hard.

So hopefully weather will be good for yard work tomorrow too.

We also really look forward to visiting with Rachel, our midwife, tomorrow morning. I'm baking an apple cake later today or early tomorrow morning on that occasion.

That's it for now. I leave you with this video that I was watching thinking about Thursday and Friday night, when I felt that the going was getting tough. It made me feel a little better.

it can be different today

It was cold today and definitely a fall feeling when I was out mowing. I especially felt it this morning as I rode my bike to the library. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my mornings to work at the library: reading and writing for my master's program papers and thesis. On those days I spend the afternoons with Lilly. Thus today was my afternoon with Lilly.

This is my schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I spend the mornings with Lilly and work in the afternoons. Anne has the opposite schedule. Weekends are designated family days.

However, Lilly's nap time is usually between 1 and 2:30. So on Tuesdays and Thursdays if Lilly isn't napping by 1 when Anne is scheduled to begin her afternoons to work, then we have a couple options. Lilly can nap later in the Bobber, in which case she only naps for 45 mins or so rather than her usual 2+ hrs in bed. Or Anne can stay home and put Lilly down for her nap (in which case Lilly usually falls asleep between 1 and 3) and sacrifice some of her work time, working when Lilly is napping, then moving into the bedroom or basement to work when Lilly wakes up and it's time to play and make dinner. (Today I tried putting Lilly down for her nap with the bottle but this didn't work: whether she was too wired, over-tired (or both), or if the light was too bright shining through the shades, I don't know.)

Today Lilly napped from 2:30-4. Anne stayed home and worked the first hour in the bedroom. By 2 Lilly was tired but still she couldn't sleep without Anne.

When Lilly woke up Anne said she herself was tired, that she could be with Lilly and make dinner if I would mow (which I've been meaning to get around to). I said hesitantly, "But it's my afternoon with Lilly. And I'm going to make dinner." Anne in return replied, "It can be different today." That's the short of it.

Without going into all the details, let me just finish by saying this. We don't live by schedules. Though it is (at least we have found it to be) a somewhat easier to navigate our days with Lilly when we have a schedule in mind, because it puts us at ease to know that if we're having a bit of a struggle whenever: then at such and such time somethings gotta change. Whether we need a break from Lilly, or from work, or if the morning is dragging on or the slow afternoon is putting us in a funk, we know that the clock is there to help us count it down.

But we don't live by schedules. Sometimes it's good to say, "It can be different today." I was thinking about this at yoga tonight. I was trying to find peace in my practice and in that simple phrase. Because in life like in yoga, you feel where your practice is that day; and you work with it.

transitioning to fall

(On the path, along the creek, humorously referred to as the "Av. Captain George," on an early morning walk, in the shade of the early fall clouds, visiting the goats)

"All endings/changes are sad, even though they're also good," wrote a dear friend to me a few days ago. We feel it. Summer is nearing its end, fall is in the air. There's a cooler breeze, at night we put long sleeves and pants on, it gets dark early, the village is emptying out. We harvest egg plants and zucchinis (from our hosts...), no more tomatoes or cucumbers, the figs are ripe and yummy, we receive grapes from friends of our hosts.

Lilly's gotten onto a new routine, suddenly going to bed early (8 p.m.), and then up early (7 a.m.), shorter siestas (sleeps from noon till two or so). Leighton and I have begun to give each other an hour each in the morning to work, then an hour each in the afternoon to do what we want. In just one more week we'll be heading back to the US: then it's back to work. We'll be taking half days each working and being with Lilly.

I'll miss life here: how easy it is in the morning to open the door to our apartment and greet the day. Let Lilly out on our patio, to witness the sunrise (it's beautiful, right in front of us, the sun rises from the water, between six thirty and seven, see pics. in our Greece album), bleat the goats (BÆ!) that graze right below our apartment. In the mornings we go for walks along the path by the creek to say hi to more goats, and the chicken (also documented in the Greece album...). She loves the chicken. Down into the village, locals and tourists having their morning coffee (she loves the people). Or longer walks up into the mountains, more goats and sheep too to see there, or down to the beach, which is, these days, more exciting later in the day, when there begins to be at least somewhat of a crowd, kids building sand castles, playing in the water, or others playing peak a boo with her, or ping pong with each other.

(Watching the goats and sheep up along the country road)

But I also look forward to our house in Northfield, Bridge square, walks along the river, into the Arboretum, the vast prairie landscape, the college campuses, having more or other things to do with Lilly: errands to different kinds of stores, the playgrounds in Northfield, having a car (we'll be buying an old Volvo from friends, thanks you two!), access to urban civilization when we crave it (though it tends to overwhelm us fast: last Thursday we took the bus into Chora (Naxos town) to do some errands (Leighton needed another book, I needed new flip-flops, and we needed to stock up on more groceries), and we were all very relieved to get home again at the end of the day. Though we also had some good times there, walking through old market, out to the ruins of the Dionysus temple sanctuary, lunch nearby) and last but for sure not least: seeing friends and family. Can't wait to have real conversations with people we connect with, visit over bbqs and coffee, or at Bridge Square, or in a back yard, or a park, or a playground... I look forward to practicing yoga at Heartwork Yoga studio again.

A friend in Norway told me how she had to keep track, in a calendar, of all the various activities in a day, each week, to make sure she got all the "fillers" in that she needed for her own well being (time to read, to exercise, boyfriend-girlfriend time, friends time, time to bake, to cook, to really be with all of her children, not just watch them, etc.): I get that. And I look forward to in a sense have more to "pick" from, especially in terms of time with friends. Just me, with a friend, over coffee. Or a beer at the Cow. Anytime. Call me up.

When we left Northfield, Lilly was 6 weeks: life will be quite different now, there, with her. But somethings don't change all that much. And can be all the more appreciated for that reason.

So much to share about our life here. Last Sunday we were invited to a traditional Greek wedding in a nearby village (picts. in our Greece album), which was amazing. We've become quite familiar with our hosts, Christina and Steljos (who invited us to come along to the wedding; incidentally, the groom is the brother of Vangelis, Irini's husband, Irini being the one who cut Leighton's hair and who has three girls Lilly likes to play with, I've also become good friends with Irini and went into Chora the other day with them, to run errands), Christina's and Steljo's daughter Flora who's been here some days on vacation; she's 29, a graphic designer, getting married to George, whose parents live next door to Flora's aptartmens. We take part in their family affairs; Christina has had to return to Athens abruptly to tend to her mother, we miss her. I feel badly for her; I like talking with her.

And we enjoy having time to read: so far I've read Ryszard Kapuscinski's non-fiction narrative Reiser med Herodot (Travels with Herodotus) which my editor recommended to me (and I can see why; I think the form of this book would be a good one for mine as well), Tess Gerritsen's mystery novel The Sinner (I never cared much for mysteries, especially Scandinavian ones, though they're reputedly quite good, maybe it's the social context, feeling too claustrophobic since it's so all too familiar? I loved how this one placed me in Boston, a city I really enjoyed visiting, with women my age, issues I could relate to), and now I'm reading John Fowles' The Magus which Leighton had brought (supposedly a modern classic, set in Greece, in the fifties, it's a long novel, but now I'm into it). After finishing The Magus, Leighton read then The Sinner (which we actually borrowed from Christina, somebody had left it here, we were starved for more fiction, so that's how we first got into it), and is now halfway through another brick of a mystery: The Likeness by Tana French. He's also hooked (we're half wondering if this is somehow indicative of our mental capacities now, as sleep-deprived parents... Though that sounds kind of snobbish.)

I appreciate this segue of slowly transitioning back to fall routines, with sharp pencils, crisp air, hopefully we'll be back in Northfield in time to have some corn on the cob. Writing is scary business, I dread it and look forward to it, every day. Having this forced limited time, because of Lilly, how we share the responsibility, it's very helpful. I know, at least, if I struggle, it'll only be for so long. And then some days it flows, other days I struggle, but something works out, or I struggle more than I work it out, but in any case, I have something that's mine, and mine only, to return to. A space. A "room" of my own.


(Summer ain't quite over yet)


(And life is so good!)