when not reading to my daughter

A couple weeks ago I was washing dishes in the kitchen when I overheard Anne reading books to Lilly in the living room, out of sight. One was a book (Roar of a Snore) I enjoy reading to Lilly, which I read often enough that to hear it read by someone other than me was a bit strange at first. I suppose this would be the case, usually, because no two people read a book aloud in the same manner, with the same tone and inflection, etc. But to hear it being read to Lilly by someone other than me was the strange part; or rather to hear Anne interacting with Lilly, through the medium of this particular book, and creating a totally different experience out of it was what made me pause for a moment and really listen to Lilly in her lived experience, practically out of my control as she was learning and growing.

To be sure I can expect more moments like this, but it was, as far as I can recollect, the first time it hit me so strongly; that Lilly is out there on her own, no matter if she is with Anne or me; that Lilly is and will continue to be always just out of reach.

Now for the living-in-the-moment experience: it wasn't any jealously or loss that I felt at that moment, when I listened to this from the other room, as Anne took on the role which I felt was reserved for me, between Lilly and me; but instead it was one of those moments that makes being a father--I mean one of those moments that has been for me as a father--the very elusive essence of fatherhood, that indescribable something about fatherhood. In that moment as in others I was opened to the "whole new kind of love" which I had been warned of.

Anne and Lilly read a number of books that evening as I washed and dried the dishes. Perhaps it's nothing special, really, given the routine-ness of it all; but it will, for me, always be a part of my fatherhood, and stand out as a night to remember.

something about fatherhood

A while back I started a "daddy" blog called something about fatherhood. For whatever reason I no longer post on the blog. But now I've copied the posts from that blog to this blog, backdating each to correspond with the dates each was originally posted. The post are listed in chronological order, the first from February of this year and the final (which was never actually posted) from June--on the occasion of Lilly's birthday. I used the picture below on the blog.

It's difficult too

Resources

A girl's best friend, or Sick again

The village thing

Readjusting in times of change

Sighing at lunchtime

Lilly turns 2

Lilly turns 2

Today is my daughter's birthday. I woke up with a strange calm feeling. To my surprise, when I saw her I didn't seem to be overly sentimental. I mean, I'm a softy, and just yesterday I was thinking so much about what it means for me that my daughter is turning two. So what's up?

We celebrated Lilly's birthday last Saturday, with a party at our house, with our friends and their kids, who are Lilly's friends. It was a great party! On Sunday, we as a family spent the day in the city as a kind of continuation of the celebration, having brunch at a nice restaurant (Lucia's) and seeing a movie (Babies) at a movie theater--our first movie at a theater as a family.

Monday was back to work as usual, with our weekly routines. However, hanging over us was the fact that Tuesday, today, Lilly is having her birthday.

It got late, and thus bedtime for Lilly. Anne most always puts Lilly to bed.

...

September 25--

I began the following post on Lilly's birthday. I don't remember where I was going with it; it's been such a long time. It must have been something I couldn't put words to at the time. I mean, your daughter turns two--how HUGE is that; how do you describe that 'whatever it must have been at the time' sentiment in a blog post. You can't of course; you can try (which is what I'm trying do in this blog) but nothing quite says it, you know. I'm leaving the post unfinished because that's all I can do with it now. I could just as well come across this way than if I had finished it; although, surely it would come across more to the point if I had finished it at the time, as it came t me at the moment (I mean why else would I try to write it all out). Leaving it as such and posting it might be just as worthwhile is all; there's no knowing if it would come across better.

Sighing at lunchtime

When I have Lilly in the mornings, I find myself sighing at lunchtime. Even if the morning has been fine. Like today: nothing too exasperating happened, yet a BIG sigh while I was making my sandwich. The grocery bag did break, and all the groceries splattered on the ground outside, as Lilly ran off down the driveway toward the busy street on the corner. And of course she whined when I picked her up to take her inside; and she was irritable when we were just inside, wanting salami, milk, snacks, juice, ice--all at once--and yet not wanting anything at all! She was tired, I know, and wanted comfort, i.e., mama and boobs. Anyway, before that, for the first 3 3/4 hours of the morning (over 5 hours if you include the time Lilly and I were up and out of bed together before 8:00) most was fine.

Anne has had a few rough days and nights in a row with Lilly (not to mention that she usually has it rough with Lilly during the nights, and has had it rough, really, since even before Lilly was born, what with being pregnant, and all). And only this morning, Anne deposited Lilly in bed with me because they had been up together for a while after a bad night. Maybe I'm a bit more tired than usual this morning. But in general I've been sighing at lunchtime, so today is really no exception. I even feel a pressure build in my body and my muscles tense, as I go on automatic with whatever momentum I gain from the morning with Lilly.

Parenting is tiring. It's exasperating a lot of the time. And it's physically exhausting. My body takes these forces and makes them into audible release, expressive in the least. That's something to do with it, yes; but I also feel it's something to do with the fact that a parent (sure, I'm generalizing) is made to face or deal with the fact that, by being a parent, one's sense of freedom is tested everyday. If we have to have boundaries to have freedom (or however it goes), then it seems to me that being a parent keeps us near those boundaries everyday and forces us to deal with that however we deal with that.

I am grateful for my wife, who deals with this dilemma (as I've described it) much more intensely than me. I am impressed by her stamina. I'm impressed by those many stay-at-home moms (present and, especially, past) and stay-at-home dads (even myself) who care for their children on a daily basis. It's difficult, no matter to what degree.

Readjusting in times of change

We returned from our trip to California determined to make some changes in our lives, some personal and some concerning our daughter. We had talked about changing bedtime, with more routines, and more papa. Yesterday, because we got home from our trip so late, our daily routines were off. We woke up late and spent the morning unpacking, running errands, etc. Lilly took a late nap. And Anne went to bed early. So last night, our first night back, I put Lilly to bed.

After dinner, Anne and I were talking: big talk, big plans for the near future. She got exasperated (she also had a headache from the weather or something) and went into the bedroom and closed the door. Lilly and I finished playing ("burning off energy") then started her bath. Unfortunately, she pulled up the shower knob. The water scared her and she wanted out. After that we got the house ready for bedtime (by turning lights out, etc.) and warmed up some of mama's milk. I wrestled Lilly into her nighttime diaper and pajamas, then we turned on Raffi's Quiet Time CD and read Lille Baby a few times over.

But Lilly wasn't ready for bed. (Also, she was showing what seemed to me to be signs of separation anxiety. Both Anne and I have noticed this recently: see her post.) Lilly tried to find anything to do other than sleep and finally wanted out of the room. She wouldn't drink any milk but requested salami. So we played a game of "you eat half and I eat half" for way too many slices.

Eventually I took Lilly back into the bedroom. We made a round of all the things in the room that she likes to point out and pick up, then we sat down on the bed to read the book "one more time" while Lilly sipped on her water. She laid back and allowed me to turn out the light.

This wasn't the end. Lilly was restless (as always) but more in a needy way. She ended up clinging to me, lying on my chest. That's how she fell asleep. I waited a bit before laying her on the bed and leaving the room.

Her room and the whole house was a mess, with clothes and toys and dishes everywhere. It was 9:52. I straightened up and did the dishes.

As I mentioned, Anne and I had talked about introducing more of me into the bedtime routine: bath, brushing teeth, diaper and pajamas, reading a book, after which Anne would give Lilly milk, then I would put Lilly to bed. Tonight, Anne came back from a La Leche League meeting, having decided that the last part is too much too soon. Even though she is tired and beaten from all that Lilly demands during her nap and bedtimes, Anne wants to continue (for the most part) being the one to put Lilly to bed. Anne started nighttime weening in January (with some setback due to illness in February). Now that Lilly is having more play dates while Anne goes to yoga (since February) and when mama and papa go on their dates (four thus far in almost two years, with those within these last months), and in addition to the fact that Lilly is doing so well with her potty and wearing underwear, Anne feels that for me to put Lilly to bed is too much. These factors might be the cause of the recent signs of separation anxiety--with the world getting bigger and Lilly clinging fast to her safety. I agree. It does seem like it would be best to take it easy for now.

In the meantime, I will continue with more evening routines and putting Lilly to bed occasionally, when Anne wants to go out in the evenings. And we as a family will start with some more fun changes like redecorating Lilly's room with a personal touch.

The village thing

Spring! Time to get out. Lilly napped in the stroller today. Matt, a friend, saw us walking by his house and came outside for a chat. His son had just gone down for a nap. Then another friend, Katie, walked by with her baby who was napping in a baby wrap. I walked with her a few blocks.

Later, we were invited for the first grill of the year! It turned out to be a kind of a potluck with 3 families--6 adults, 5 kids, great food and fun. The kids played, the adults got to talk.

It really is so much easier with a community of friends. Now that the snow has melted, we can expect more days like today!

A girl's best friend, or Sick again

Today ends a two-week stretch with multiple viewings of Marley & Me. I checked it out of the library on a Friday, and we as a family watched it after dinner and before bedtime. Anne and I allow Lilly to watch movies with us in the evenings and the occasional afternoon on weekends, or if we want to watch a movie when she's had a late nap and won't be going to bed before we go to bed. Also, we allow her to watch movies upon request when she is sick (see It's difficult too).

For the past two weeks Lilly requested "Mauley" just about everyday. And since she had a fever the first week, and now a cold this the second week, we've allowed it. She still has a runny nose. On the occasion of having returned the movie to the library today, I must say: I'm a bit anxious about how she'll cope without her favorite "doggy"!

Resources

Having just searched the public library for resources concerning fatherhood, it's evident that little is invested in the subject. Of the resources available, two are by national weatherman Al Roker: Don't Make Me Stop This Car! and Big Shoes. Only Daddy Smarts by Bradley G. Richardson approaches fatherhood from a general perspective. Though, as a dissatisfied reader pointed out, 26 of the 29 chapters concerned pre-birth topics. (The follow-up concerning "the first two years" is not available.) Father and Child Reunion by Warren Farrell, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Margaret J. Meeker, and novelist Michael Chabon's Manhood for Amateurs complete the list of resources found with a subject search for fatherhood.

Fatherhood is a growing subject of interest and worth investing in. The number of "daddy blogs" substantiates such a claim. Recently Daddy Dialectic blogger Jeremy Adam Smith published his book The Daddy Shift, addressing the subject of both fathering and parenting in the twenty-first century. Mothering magazine opened the subject to its readers some two years ago with regular articles, as well as a fathering blog authored by Smith; and Peggy O'Mara, the magazine's publisher and editor, takes up the subject and gathers resources in her current editorial.

Yet "motherhood" outnumbers "fatherhood" with resources available to parents in general; and specifically at local levels. I had to order Smith's above-mentioned book using the inter-library loan system.

The options probably aren't much better at the local bookstore. A typical "dad book" is something like The Guy's Guide to Surviving Pregnancy, Childbirth and the First Year of Fatherhood by Michael Crider--also the author of The Guy's Guide to Surviving Toddlers, Tantrums, and Separation Anxiety (Yours, Not Your Kid's!). (I've only read the former, but based on it I don't recommend either.) As a reader review points out, the author employs just about any cliche you can imagine with regard to fatherhood.

Why do so many books about fatherhood rely on humor to sell the product? It seems these personal perspective books are meant to supplement the sterile parenting manuals. And apparently most men go in for humor. It's sad that stereotypes such as this debase the resources available to fathers in general. Take out all the jokes and cliches, and nothing substantial remains.

There are of course more books available for sale online, though with all the bad books out there it's quite the task to find a good book for you. It's best to rely on others whose recommendations you value (not reviews by readers you know nothing about). For example, I personally would start with the books listed in the above-mentioned editorial by Peggy O'Mara. You can find a blog you like, and find out what that blogger reads. Often these resources are online, may even be other blogs. But, more and more, new and better books for fathers are being published. Hopefully these books find shelves in bookstores and public libraries near you.

It's difficult too

Perhaps I should start with how difficult parenting is, because that's half of it. This perspective is partly inspired by my wife, Anne, who when I first proposed this project reminded me that parenting is wonderful, yes, but difficult, too; and partly by the incident related below.

Just the other day my daughter, Lilly, and I were up in the middle of the night watching her new favorite movie, Marley & Me. Even though Lilly is only 21 mos. old, she does watch the occasional movie (more about this later); and she loves dogs. So when she couldn't sleep because of a cold, and when Anne had had enough, and when I tried to find any which way to keep Lilly from crying, hysterically, wanting "MAMA," it was "Mauley" who consoled her.

We snuggled up in the extra bedroom with my laptop and watched most of the movie, before Lilly fell asleep, reclined against her pillow. I shut the laptop and, after a much needed toilet run, climbed under the covers next to her.

You might hear that parenting is hard; especially during the 9 or so months before birth. This often comes from someone older--a parent, a grandparent, a so-called friend of the family--or even from other parents, eager to offer their advice. Well, to me, this doesn't quite capture it fully; it even seems like a cliche. Hard, difficult, whatever. It seems like someone should go into exactly what makes parenting so difficult.

Of course it's different for everyone, and I'm not about to sum it up here in a blog post. But let's say for now, for me, it has to do with that indescribable feeling, that something about fatherhood I want to explore in this blog.

The above story serves here as an incident on which to reflect; an example, I believe, from which all those feelings that I have for my daughter can be elaborated; a place to start, so to speak, to narrate the on-going process of my fatherhood. But before I explore that "Whole new kind of love!" I was warned of, that ever-expanding love I have for my daughter, I'll start with some of the difficult things about being a parent.

Coming soon.