new haircut, starting ballet, first letters, and a book deal!

We're in the midst of a series of milestones over here. Lilly recently had her very first haircut, she's started reading and writing letters, she's learned her first ballet moves, and I've signed a contract with a publisher that will release my first book sometimes this fall.

Lilly's hair didn't really start growing until around when she turned two. But by the end of last fall, it had gotten really quite long, and a bit unruly. We've been holding on to those baby curls though. However Lilly's hairdresser assured us that her curls wouldn't go away from a little trim, and we're please to say they haven't.

Lilly has always loved music and dancing and recently she announced that she wants to be a ballerina (and a fisherman, she added). With no end in sight to her ballerina craze, we decided to make a commitment to ballet lessons. She got fitted for ballerina shoes, and we got her a leotard and ballet tights too. Ever day after school and lunch, I give her a short hour ballet lesson. It's been fun for me to refresh my ballet memory and it gives us something to do together other than just playing all afternoon (which is not always so rewarding for me).

We also spend a good chunk of time reading books each afternoon. And we practice writing. Obviously, I love writing, so it's been a real joy to share the wonder of letters with Lilly. She's always loved books; we've always read lots to her; and even on her own she will often enjoy looking at her books, many of which she knows by heart. But that she now can point out what certain letters are, and that she even knows how to write many of them, is just so amazing to me. I didn't learn how to write until I started elementary school at age 7. That didn't necessarily deprive me of anything in the long run, but Lilly is clearly enjoying exploring this new chapter in her life opening up. She loves making her own books (a new author in the family!), and she has a passion for mail, collecting and writing letters.

My writing and Lilly's writing (her name) in my notebook.

And to conclude on the topic of books and writing: I this week signed a contract with a publisher for my book, After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters. The publisher is Zero Books, a UK-based publisher with a transcontinental focus: half of its authors are based in the US. I'm really excited to be joining their team of authors whose discourse is "intellectual without being academic, popular without being populist." Zero Books is the Culture, Society, and Politics imprint of John Hunt Publishing, which has several other special focus imprints in addition to their General Topics imprint O-Books.

I'm sure there are many other firsts I could mention. We took Lilly to see her first feature film in a movie theater (the new Muppets movie, which she loved for all its singing and dancing). Last weekend, Lilly went to her first unattended-by-her parents birthday party, providing Leighton and I with the opportunity for a little date. And yesterday, Lilly had her official Early Childhood Screening that is done by the public school system in town; I was very proud of how well she did.

And then there all the things Lilly's learning in school now, doing lots of good work.

Cooking class at school (every Thursday)

I joined Lilly's class before Christmas to teach the children a Norwegian Christmas carol, singing and dancing around some evergreen boughs, replacing the tree.

Å jul med dine glede -- Oh Yule with your joy

And in January, the children celebrated Chinese New Year, including by doing a Chinese New Year Lion Dance:



Please visit Montessori Children's House Community page to access their online photo album (regularly updated with more photos) where you can get more snapshots into Lilly's life and work at school.

thanks be to hubs, good friends and family!

Thanks to Leighton, good friends and family, I've been treated to quite the birthday celebration this year! It started Friday a week ago when I found a little gift bag by the coffee pot with six tickets to see a theater performance of Sunday on the Rocks that same night. Leighton had been emailing with a group of my closest girlfriends in town to meet me up for dinner at my favorite restaurant in town, Chapati, serving yummy Indian food, before going out to see the play. We all had such a good time. One had brought a chocolate cake for dessert and I got many nice gifts (on top of their treating me to dinner and drinks), including a journal for all my thoughts and a gift card to work one morning in a coffee shop while Lilly would be at my friend's house.

The festivities continued on Saturday when we had friends over for dinner and then Sunday night we finished my birthday cake. First thing Lilly said to me Monday morning, on my actual birthday:

Lilly er så glad i mamma. Og sjokoladekake.
Lilly loves mama so much. And chocolate cake.

We all went out for lunch for the free birthday sandwich Hogan Brothers Acoustic Cafe offers. Lilly was sick with a cold, so other than our lunch outing, I was home with her all day, but it was a good day still.

And then, get this, on Tuesday morning we drove up to the cities to pick up a new car that our dear friends Nancy and Stephanie offered to us as a gift! A super nice blue Subaru Outback station wagon from 2000. WOW! So now we have two cars, which is so nice for us, especially since Leighton's been working from 4-6 p.m. lately, leaving Lilly and I fairly house bound. And this car is such an improvement to the old Volvo that has all sorts of problems, which we haven't had checked because it would have left us carless while being fixed.

I got the cold Lilly and Leighton have been having later in the week, but I also got a couple of writing gigs. With that on top of all the rest, I can't really complain, now can I. Thank you all dear friends and family for thinking of me with sweet wishes, cards, and gifts. I am so grateful!

hurrah for Lilly! hurrah for mama too!

It's Lilly's birthday! We celebrated on Saturday at our house with friends. We'll post pictures soon.

I would like to take this opportunity to say a big congratulations and thanks to Anne, who (I'll remind you) carried in her body for 9 long months, and labored for 64 long hours to give life to, our precious daughter; this is a big day for mama, too, who continues to give so much to nurture our Lilly.

Lilly is thriving! She is such a big girl and we are very proud of her! She sends thanks to all for the birthday wishes and gifts, and we do too!

creating a garden

The idea of gardening has always appealed to me, it's always been something I'd like to get more into. But aside from a few crocuses and tulips that I planted sort of haphazardly when I first bought this house in 2003 (I actually planted more that first fall than what has since come up; I just think I didn't do a very good job planting the bulbs deep enough down into the ground), it's remained a nice idea.

Now finally, I'm getting deep and dirty into it.

I think as a mama, creating a garden, nurturing growth, is becoming more in tune with me. I no longer crave being a free bird twittering around; I want the sanctuary of a home with healthy roots.

This weekend I finally got a former flower bed next to our porch, on the south side of our house, cleaned up from a messy layer of wood chips and twigs, old tarp, grass and moss. Then I borrowed the gardening tools of our good neighbors to dig up the hard packed earth.

I'm so proud of my achievements; though it's not a very big lot. Unfortunately, because of the shade from a huge walnut tree, I don't think I can grow tomatoes here. I might have to (ask Leighton help me) build a case garden for the tomato plants and place it on the narrow stretch of lawn between our patio and neighbors on the north side of our house. This area seems to be the sunniest spot in our yard and the tulips I planted there several years ago, still come up every year. Perhaps one day I can make a rose garden here.

Enjoying ourselves on our patio after a full fun weekend of yard work and play.

 

spring celebrations

Today my first crocus came up, only a few days after spring solstice on Saturday. Sunday was my birthday, I think my best so far. Got to stay in bed longer while Leighton was with Lilly, then Leighton made me breakfast and after that he presented me with an adventure-game of gifts he'd prepared for me. Very fun. I had a morning walk in the sunshine with my friend Amanda after that, then lunch out all of us at a cafe in town. While Lilly had her afternoon nap, I got a massage (and it felt wonderful). Then Leighton and I took Lilly over to her friend Anna for a playdate while we got to go out for a dinner-date (our second so far, after Leighton's mom was here in the fall). We went to Chapati, an Indian restaurant in town, ate all our food and shared a bottle of wine; it was lovely. To round it all off, we had Ben & Jerry ice cream while watching an HBO show after Lilly had fallen asleep (Chubby Hubby and Karamel Sutra). Couldn't be better.

My thanks to friends and family for cards, gifts, and greetings! You helped made my day extra special!

february summary

Nighttime weaning
accomplished: Lilly goes to bed in the extra bedroom between 7 and 8 p.m., then transfers in to me between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. and Leighton goes in to sleep in the extra bedroom so Lilly and I can have more room in our bed. She settles quickly, without nursing, I often can't remember her coming in to me. She doesn't nurse till 4 a.m., often it's not till 5 a.m. Typically, she nurses at 4, 5, and 6, and then we get up for her to pee & poo in the potty. Sometimes she wakes up between transfer and first nursing, could be teething pain, gas, or discomfort, but will most often settle soon again on my arm. Such an amazing change since we started this in January and how things were before with nursing every couple hours from bedtime till morning.

Winter wonderland
Temperatures finally warmed up a little to entice me out on some amazing skiing in the white covered prairie land, blue sky and sunshine. We've gotten lots of snow this winter. Driving out into the country side yesterday, I saw flocks of pheasants and wild turkeys looking for food by the roadside.

Child swap
I've finally found two moms to swap child care with. So far, this has gotten me two mornings with yoga and Leighton and I have one brunch/lunch date to look forward to and are now also planning an early dinner date. (Keep in mind, we've only had one dinner date so far, when Leighton's mom came out to visit in November, so we are very excited about this.)

Urban living
First weekend of the month, we house sat for some friends in Saint Paul. We splurged and ate out, got to visit with good friends in the city, went to the Walker art museum in Minneapolis where they have free activities for children every first Saturday of the month. We headed up to the cities again the second Sunday of the month, Valentine's day, for some sushi. We'd planned on happy hour, but it was canceled with all the people there. So we splurged again; it was worth it.

Manuscripts submitted
I submitted the second half of my manuscript on feminist porn to my editor and launched my next book which will be a collection of mamas' stories about their children's sleep. Leighton received positive feedback on the story he wrote for Lilly from a professor of children's literature at Saint Olaf College and a friend of ours in Norway whose expertise is children's literature and who works with promoting Norwegian literature abroad. We sent the story to my editor who passed it on to the children's department in the same publishing house.

Got a grant
I finally received a big grant I've been applying for; maybe third time really is a charm? I know my proposal kept improving as I got further into the project, and I received helpful feedback from friends. It's a boost to the project and my self-esteem.

Stay or go?
We put our house out for sale this month with mixed feelings. There's so much that keeps us here, so much that draws us to go there. The pros and cons seem to outweigh each other, leaving us rather handlingslammet.

Lilly
has all four corner molars now, but teething's still a pain. She loves books, music, dancing (she's obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake's Let's dance these days), baby MacDonald and farm animals. She has three friends she repeats the names of: Avery, Addie, and Anna (pronounced Annie). She speaks a lot, more Norwegian than English, a lot that sounds like Chinese to us. She loves hugs and kisses, cuddling and playing with mama and papa.

nurse Lilly

Last night Lilly slept from seven thirty till two a.m., an improvement from her previous nights, fighting this cold. But then she was up from two till four a.m. before she fell asleep again and slept for an hour, awoke again, but then slept another hour after a while. This morning she was walking around with her baby doll Millie, rocking and hushing her, kissing her on her head, wrapping her in a "blanket" (baby Millie's bath towel), carrying a water bottle for her, just as I have been doing for Lilly these last few nights.

nighttime weaning part II

After a string of sleepless nights, what with Lilly getting that cold, then just being such a bundle of energy who can't seem to stop (sounds famliar?), we (I...) decided to give the nighttime weaning another try (after a first attempt earlier last fall. We had a couple successful first nights, then I forgot my vow the third night, by the fourth night it watered out). So. This was the plan: put her down in the second bedroom like we always do (usually between seven and eight). Nurse her to sleep (as usual). Then give her boob again upon transfer to ours (typically anytime between ten and midnight). Then not again till 5 a.m. During the day, I explained to her calmly how the boobs would have to sleep, but then would be very happy to see her in the morning.

I'm happy to report, the night went pretty well! She fell asleep around 7 p.m. Woke between 9 and 9:30 p.m. as I was getting ready for bed. I took her with me and nursed her (oh, another part of the plan was that Leighton will sleep in the second bedroom till we have this figured out, to give me and Lilly some more space. We'll give it a week, then see). So we parted our ways. Lilly woke around 1 a.m. and angrily beat me and my boobs. She clearly knew she couldn't ask for them for she didn't even try (typically she points or grasps, uttering "pupp"!). But lo and behold: she settled sooner than when I keep offering the boob on her demand. Same procedure around 3 a.m.; this time she actually settled sooner. And this time she also drank a little of the water bottle I also had offered her around 1. I took her with me to the bathroom to pee both times (I had to go, and I felt the up and down would be good to break the crying spell). It worked.

Then she slept till past five. I woke before her, my boobs achingly full. I stirred a little, she woke, had a boob, fell back to sleep. Slept another hour or so, had the other boob, we were up around 7. I took her to the bathroom where she peed and pooped in the potty (auto for her on most days, except these last couple of days, it's almost like she hasn't had time to sleep or poop: she's just up and running around). She wasn't really wanting to go today either, but I got her in her seat, and there she went.

Then she wanted her sweatsuit on, it's in her room, where Leighton was still sleeping. I quickly went in and got her a new diaper and clothes from the shelves without him waking, but then soon after Lilly went back in to get him up. So cute. She loves her papa.

I'm hopeful about how this could turn out. Leighton and I sure need the rest. Lilly, on the other hand, seems effaced by the less amount of sleep she's been getting. Such a life force, so much energy. Such a happy girl.

winter wonderland

Last night was kind of rough; Lilly's teething again and couldn't find comfort. So she sucked all she could on my boobs, so frustrated when they couldn't give her the soothing she craved. Poor baby. Poor mama. We were both so tired this morning. But then Leighton pointed out: it's snowing outside! First snow is always magic that way (we did get some one day, early in October, but it can't count, it melted right away and we've had balmy fall days since). Today was winter. For real. And Lilly was mesmerized. Her home setting slowly changing. Leighton left for the library around eight, while Lilly and I kept admiring the the snow falling from inside. I think Leighton felt a bit sorry for me this morning though. He suggested we watch a movie and just relax (I had planned to do some errands up in the city). I sometimes feel it's easier to just push through and do things when I'm really tired, but today, all Lilly wanted to do was to hug, snuggle, sit on my lap, play puzzles in my lap, read in my lap, snuggle more, and suck on the boob, every 30 minutes or so. So in the end I dimmed the lights, lit some candles, and put on Frosty the snow man. She got the DVD from grandma Julie when she came out to visit last month and they watched it quite a bit, but I've never seen it yet. Lilly loves music, so Julie thought she'd enjoy it. And apparently she does! As Frosty counts his finger, Lilly mimicked with her hand. When the children danced around Frosty, Lilly danced too. When the children all joined in a parade to take Frosty to the train station so he could get a ride to the north pole before he'd melt away, she stomped her feet along with them. I couldn't help but choke up, and then Lilly looked at me a little unsettled. But we both laughed when Santa came to the rescue in the end and got Frosty to the north pole while assuring us that every Christmas, he'll be back. Phew.


I guess I'm just feeling kind of emotional these days. Some hormonal mess-me-up? Or is that even more wishful thinking? That my body is kicking into ovulation gear? I'd wish. But these last couple of days, I've suddenly been grieving the unconceived child (that I just the other day felt just fine about). The conception of Lilly was a miracle (it always is, but, you know, with Lilly, I'd just been told I couldn't conceive naturally, which was the story I'd been told since I was eighteen). So how could I, now at the age of 36, ever conceive naturally again. On top of being painfully tired (from parenting), while very happy (from parenting), I find myself wishing for more (parenting). Now, this must be hormonal, yes?

But I was going to tell you more about today. I had to do at least one errand for tonight's dinner. And just to get outside. And Lilly just stood there, taking in the snow. The magic. Frosty! There was snow in Wyoming too and she saw it there over Thanksgiving break (check out our Casper mountain album if you haven't already). But maybe because then the snow had all already settled on the ground. Maybe because of the fierce winds, she just wasn't that into it. But today she just kept watching it falling, she stepped and kicked around in it, dabbed her glove into it, tasted it. It was simply precious to watch. We'll get lots of use of that new snowsuit now!

(Left: Lilly in her new snowsuit, from grandpa and grandma Cheryl, out in Casper, Wyoming, over Thanksgiving break.
Right: Lilly at the airport, in Denver, on our way to Casper. Her look catches the wonder she expressed when she saw snow today.)

Three weeks till Christmas eve today. After watching Frosty, I put on some Bing Crosby Christmas carols while we got ready to head out for the store. As I walked home this afternoon from the library, torches were lit up along the sidewalks downtown for the annual winter walk, children waiting on Bridge square for Santa to appear. I passed by some friends and had a little visit, felt rich and privileged.

It's a magical season.

But one troubled with memories too.

bitching mama

             I like to vent, air out those things that bug me. After that, I’m good. At least for a while. I used to bitch a lot about my academic position: the long work hours, the petty politics during departmental meetings, committee meetings, faculty meetings (and oh, there were more meetings). The students who didn’t do the work, or the students who did do their work, but who were unwilling to open their minds. Most of all, I bitched about the lack of time for my own research and writing; I was supposed to have a third for each: teaching, scholarship, and administrative work. Instead, I put in 150% on teaching, at least 75% on administrative work, leaving no time for what I in the end was dying to do, even with 70 work hours per week.

            I bitch a lot now too that I’m a mama slash freelance writer, working non-stop from at home or the library. But unlike when I bitched about my academic job, I now get tons of unsolicited advice and unwelcome critical questions and glances. You’re still breastfeeding? You’re still sleeping with your child? You spend an entire hour putting her down for sleep at night, and also often for her nap? You don’t let her cry? You haven’t vaccinated her? You haven’t had a date yet? (Our daughter was almost a year and a half by the time we had our first and so far only real evening date, when my husband’s mom came out to visit for a week). I could go on and on.

            The general gist is that people seem to think we give too much, sacrifice ourselves too much, and all for our baby. At the same time, however, they comment on how safe and content our daughter strikes them to be, so happy and interested in others. I like to think our parenting style has something to do with that. Sure, we give tons. Yet we could give more. I can still and do often feel guilty. Especially when I feel annoyed and irritated by the time it takes me to calm her down for nap and bedtime (because she still needs me for that. But then on the other hand, that’s precious bonding time for the two of us). All the nighttime parenting, which reads as follows: her sucking and biting on my boob, frustrated when it doesn’t completely soothe the teething pain, climbing and punching and squeezing my body, me not able to go to the bathroom, for if I leave the bed, she’ll cry. Or, I get out of bed and go pee with her in my lap, as I pee, and wipe myself. This all is interspersed, of course, with very dear hugs, kisses, strokes and cuddling. There are even times when she does play with my hair quite tenderly, instead of pulling so hard I think I’ll get another bold spot.

And that’s when I bitch (when I think I’ll go bald, I mean, or at least grey). But it doesn’t mean I want anything differently. As opposed to when I bitched about my academic position. That job I was really unhappy with. This job I love to death. Even when I bitch the most about it.

            This seems a difficult thing to get for many. And I just can’t quite get why. Because it seems to be something we all do: bitch and vent before we go on, without changing or necessarily wanting to change the way we do things.

            I just think it’s kind of interesting. To observe. That’s all.

the nursing relationship, part II

When the going gets tough, I find comfort in sharing the truth. When I can name the worst of what's going on for me, I don't need to worry some inner tsunami will build up, erupt and wash me away. When I hear the truth of others, I feel we're not in such bad shape after all; we all struggle. At least, we're not the only ones who can say or do things we later find excruciatingly childish, hurtful, and embarrassing. So this past weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon skyping for two hours with a friend in Oslo, and then Sunday I went for a morning walk with a friend in town and then later we all went over to their house in the afternoon. It was a weekend of sharing, talking, crying, and laughing. It was a good weekend for us.

But, we're still painfully tired, at least Leighton and I; Lilly's her same chirpy and energized self, rising well before the sun. Then she also gets a lot of comfort at home base to kick off from. -- The nighttime weaning is going so-so: the second night went even better than the first; when Lilly wanted boob around 2 a.m., I told her the boob's asleep and she lied down again to sleep right away. The third night I forgot and, half-asleep, gave her the boob when she grabbed for it. Fourth night it seemed silly to stick to the time limits I'd decided upon. And last night she started crying when I said the boob's asleep. And I can't deal with that. Our friends suggested we react too strongly to Lilly's crying, maybe projecting our own wounded childhood memories of crying onto her. That all crying isn't necessarily coming from an unsafe hurtful place. That it can also be a way of venting, showing disapproval. There could be some truth to that. But we are who we are and need to work from that. Eventually last night, Leighton took her into the other bedroom, and last night she did find comfort in sleeping with him, in the nook of his arm, snuggled close to his body.

So as to avoid too drawn out of a thing before nap and nighttime, Lilly's (for) now on a late nap and late bedtime "schedule," with a lot of nighttime nursing, and a lot of daytime nursing and cuddling too. Someday we'll miss this, I know. Often I embrace this time to be so close, so needed, wanted, to be able to give her what makes her happy and feel safe. Other times, I bitch about it, feel stuck, un-free. Leighton asked me the other day, how I can be so angry sometimes over a decision I've chosen myself. It's an interesting question. For me, I think it has to do with the fact that it doesn't feel quite like a free choice. I'm not simply myself anymore, I'm also hers. So it's not really just my decision.

We're really looking forward to Thanksgiving break, which we'll be spending in Casper mountain, Wyoming, with Leighton's dad and his family, at a Bed & Breakfast lodge called Sunburst lodge. We're leaving tomorrow morning, back late Sunday night. I look forward to hanging out with family, soaking in the hot tub, walking in the mountains, - and Lilly will just love it! Being the socialite that she is. So the days will be fun for her, and thus also for us.

socializing

Wednesday night Leighton and I finally got our date night. Except for a lunch out in January when my friend Helene took Lilly for a stroll in a nearby park, and one late evening in June when our friend Hege came over and we went out for a couple of late night beers (Lilly didn't go down till nine or so that evening), Leighton and I haven't had a real date yet. So this week when Leighton's mom was here, we really wanted to have a night out. We tried Tuesday; no luck. Lilly did not want to go to bed and by the time she did, it was too late for us to go out. Wednesday she fell asleep by 6:55 p.m; we were out of the door by 7:10 p.m. We went to the Indian restaurant Chapati, our favorite restaurant in town. We had vowed to eat slowly, to really enjoy not having to down the food as fast as possible. However, we were both really hungry, and so we didn't manage to eat too slowly, but we still really enjoyed eating uninterruptedly and while the food was still warm! We were done by 9 p.m., and seeing all seemed calm on the home front, we went over to the Contented Cow, a pub owned by the same British guy who owns Chapati, and had a drink there by the fireplace. We struck up a conversation with a nice elderly man who sat there, talked a lot about Lilly ... And ourselves. Shared stories. It was really nice.

Then last night I had my first sleepover since June, when I had my very first night away from Lilly when Hege and I headed over to her mom's empty apartment for the night with a kilo of shrimp, a couple of baguettes, some cava and white wine. Yesterday afternoon I headed up to Saint Paul for a ladies' night out: tiny bubbles and appetizers at my friend Stephanie's house in the Cathedral Hill neighborhood, dinner after that at La Grolla's around the corner on Selby (I had a delicious seafood pasta dish and some of that velvety petit syrah we shared), and then the four of us finished off the evening back at the house with more red wine and chocolate cake from Cafe Latte. This morning I met another friend at Nina's Coffee Cafe on top of Garrison Keillor's bookstore, Common Good Books.

It was so lovely to have this time to visit with friends, to be out and about in town and city, soak in some of the flair of urban living.

And then it's so good to come home after that. On my way home, I stopped by Cafe Latte for some yummy organic ten grain bread and Trader Joe's to stock up on affordable wholesome groceries, got back to the house at a quarter till noon, just in for lunch. Lilly was so wound up, we were so excited to see each other again, she didn't go down for a nap till 2:45 p.m.

in the nick of time

Turns out Leighton got home just in the nick of time; I was feeling really tired Friday morning, as was Lilly. Impossible to recover from a cold when also taking care of a sick baby whose nights are interrupted by coughing fits. These last couple of mornings I've been getting some rest in the morning while Leighton's with Lilly. This morning his mom was also here with her (she got in late last night): I can see while some like generational homes. It's really helpful to have another adult here to play with Lilly and help take care of her. It's a mild sunny day and we're all heading to the park now to play at the playground.

got guts

My friend Amanda just posted in her blog ("no guts, no glory") about how we mamas, while we may seem soft at times, really are the ones who have the guts to run the world, and yet we don't. Hear, hear! I feel like one very gutsy mama these days. True, Sunday was rather long to get through, sleep deprived and sick, with Lilly sick too, but we did it. Monday was better already, and we had things to do. The library in the morning, the park in the afternoon, sunshine outside. Lilly was feeling great, and I was already feeling better too.

Today started off even better yet, though we got up at 5, but the night was calm, and we had things to do. A visit at 8:30, library at 10, sunshine outside. But then, sure enough, Lilly got overtired and so was not able to go down for a nap, spinning around all wired instead. Now that I'm feeling better, I was really looking forward to getting some work done while she'd sleep, or maybe even some crunches. What I miss the most right now is time to work and time to exercise. And then she just couldn't sleep. Like last Thursday after the ladies luncheon; she had gone beyond.

So, we hit the road. And she fell asleep. I figured we might as well run some errands. She slept for half an hour or so, then she woke up as we pulled over for our first errand. She was not very happy after that. Symbolically, it gets really windy and starts to rain, it's mean outside, and it's no better being inside of the car, the way Lilly's behaving in her car seat at this point. But I'm staying calm, I know she's just really tired, everything hurts more.

It's tough for a while, but then, as she crashes early, it's all calm. And then I get busy, executing all those tasks.

We mamas do rule. And we should get more credit for it. In that outside political world.

For more as to why, check out Ann Crittenden's The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued and The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter by Katherine Ellison. This last one was recommended to me by my friend and fellow mama Lori, and it really speaks to Amanda's post about how we mamas are perceived as "soft," and yet we're not. Just. We're not mush brains; we're excelling at multitasking and multimaneuvring with a multidispersered attention ability.

all saints day

Lilly and I are officially both sick with the common cold. She of course has been on and off struggling with teething and discomfort the last couple of weeks or so. But now she's coughing like an old man slash former smoker while I'm sneezing galore and have a really sore throat. We both have snot running out of our noses like crazy. So we're quite the pair. I was actually a little surprised she seemed so out of it this morning because her night was pretty good (she slept from 7:30 - 00:30, ate and coughed some, then slept again till 3:45 or so, same routine then, and then again till 6). Which was actually 5, seeing we had to set the clock one hour back. So up we got, done with breakfast and our two Baby Einstein DVDs (she's getting rather musical by watching/interacting with these; brings out her little piano now (in addition to puzzle works and books and toys and stuffed animals to match what she's seeing on the screen) and plays quite well, I must say!) by 7 a.m. Now whereas she slept like an angel in between her cough bouts last night, I was up nursing a sudden onset of extremely sore throat (you know, when it cuts like several knives in there), stuffy nose, and achy body, with Cloraseptic, nasal spray, tylenol, and hot cider. Couldn't find comfort even after all that to sleep. So I was so tired this morning. And so was she.

I had a hot shower and gave her a long warm bath, we both enjoyed our water treats, and it helped clear our nostrils some. Then we ran errands, sparkling water at Cubs (I love how it feels when my throat is sore!), kleenex at Target (!), and fruits etc. at the Coop. Home for an early lunch (a can of chicken noodle soup and turkey sandwiches; Lilly ate some cheese and turkey, threw the noodles slick with broth on the floor, sigh). Nap (90 minutes), downtime (60 minutes), Skype with papa (30 minutes).

It's 3 p.m. and very nice out by now. Lilly is whiny, it hurts all over, for her, and for me, we're both so out of it. But we head out, it's good to be outside. Lilly wants to bike her tricycle, which she can't, she's too little, and I don't have the energy to lean over (and have snot coming out all the time), pushing her. I suggest we go for a stroll; she wants a ride in the car. I told her we already used the car today, time for some fresh air. In the end, she points to the stroller with a sigh, ok, then. And on we go for a little afternoon stroll in a suddenly very balmy sunny weather. Sunshine, no winds, 60 F. Downtown and back again, slowly, it's a good half hour.

By now it's time to make dinner: tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Lilly eats lots of ham, cheese and tomato soup with bread! Oh, and pickled cucumbers (good ones, from Trader Joe's). After tomatoes, tomato soup and tilapia (fish) are her favorite food items these days. She's into Ts I guess.

She's suddenly very happy being home again after our time out, plays in her kitchen while I do the dishes. And then it's time to brush teeth and get ready for bed (I figure her body is still on yesterday's clock). And sure enough, she sleeps by 6, which was 7 yesterday.

Oops, was just about to post this as she stirred, needed comfort, coughing and tooting (she might have eaten all that food a tad bit too fast???). Really hard to comfort a baby when you need to sneeze so bad it's insane. I never got this: how can a nose be sneezy and runny while also being so stuffy you can't breath? I mean, I just don't see how stuffiness goes with watery creeks coming out of your nose, so that you're still left panting, breathing through your mouth, like a dog. Just a technicality, anyway.

today I yelled at Lilly

Today I yelled at Lilly, and I feel terrible, so ashamed! It's never happened before and I dread it ever happening again. We had actually had a pretty good morning, she got up with a smile, despite her cough and still some snot, and today I woke up with a sore throat too. But we had a fine time over breakfast, we played, watched Baby Einstein (she's getting so good at identifying and mimicking the sounds of animals! and pointing at her nose and ears etc., repeating "nose" along with the DVD). I sorted laundry, showered, and then it's time for action. Lilly is typically eager to leave the house by 9:30 or 10; today there was no event at the library (because of Halloween), but I figured we'd bundle up for a walk, do an errand downtown.

But then we tried too much at the end: Leighton wanted to Skype at 10, Lilly laughed and waved at him at first, but then got upset when I wouldn't let her bang at the keyboard, and she doesn't like it when we (he and I) talk, she wants it to be with her, too, which of course makes sense! Leighton was reluctant to hang up, he had lots to share and misses his girls (and of course we miss him too!). He was in tears as we hung up, which also makes me feel terrible. But now it was close to 10:20 and Lilly was getting very antsy. So. On with the clothes (this is never fun), it was cold, so I decided we needed to put her boots on. Which were terribly muddy from last weekend at the orchard. So I wanted to clean them real quick. Not to Lilly's agreement. At this point she's crying, screaming, not just whining. I explain, in Norwegian, that I just have to clean her boots real quick and then we'll get going. She points to the door, kicks her legs into the floor, wants out now! And so then I yell, you just have to wait a little bit, and then we'll go out! Of course, she only starts bawling from this. And then I remember that anguish, when my mom yelled at me when I was a child, how the world just stopped making sense at that point.

So I took her in my arms, went into her bedroom, sat and rocked her on the bed, nursed her, lied down with her and nursed her some more. She was soon happy again and excited when I said we'll go out now and her happiness mostly lasted till we were out of the house (interspersed with some spouts of whining as I had to go wash my hands to get the mud of, get my scarf and hat from the closet, etc.)

Then we leave the house, she's so happy walking my purse to the stroller, sits down happily, it's freaking windy and cold, but we're dressed for it. The sun's peeking through. At the coffee shop, our destination to pick up more coffee, it's super crowded, people pressing ahead in line. Lilly wants up, but it goes ok. We leave the shop, she has to squint against the sun in the stroller on the way back, the shade doesn't go down far enough. And then, just as we're two blocks from the house, her head falls to the side, she's falling asleep. This cannot happen!! Then she will not have a nap (she magically has this only one chance to fall asleep for a nap, I don't get it. And she won't be transported to bed from stroller or car seat if she falls asleep there). So I lift her up into my arms and she cries. At this point I feel like the worst mom ever.

We make it to the house and now she's so happy again to be home. I want to see if she can eat some food, some lunch, before she sleeps (this is risky business to try: she hasn't shown much interest in solids lately, though she did eat quite a bit of the tilapia we had for dinner last night--we have fish for dinner every Friday, it's fresh at the Co-op then. But she did actually end up eating quite a bit of cheese and turkey for lunch today and even some orange. Typically she only has fun saying, 'appelsin.' But now she ate it too).

So, then it's time to try and see if she'll sleep. It's noon, she's been going down around 11:30 lately, maybe she missed her window on Thursday, when we had the ladies luncheon here from eleven til one thirty, I don't want that to happen again. She's yawning, so clearly tired. But struggles to surrender to sleep. I leave the room twice in despair. By 12:40 she's sleeping, beautifully, at my breast. She is the most precious child in the world, I just have to kiss her, though I don't want to wake her. I kiss her cheek and stroke her head, she sleeps so peacefully. Our little Lilly, delicate in appearance, yet strong and enduring.

party party party!

So we did end up going to the pumpkin carving party last night after all and we had a blast! I can't believe it, Lilly not having napped all day at all. I had her in her pajamas, in case she'd crash. But she did not! She played and had fun with the other toddlers from five o'clock till after eight while I got to visit with some new people, enjoy the delicious pumpkin curry, and sip on some white whine. Lilly amazed and charmed everyone with her independence and happy mood. The hosts had a small slide that she'd climb up and slide down on, all by herself, after I'd shown her a couple of times how to do it, holding her hand as she climbed the steps. She'd run around with the other children, paint a little (she wasn't too into that, though; she's more into people). Lilly's a social bug who loves a party for sure! My kind of girl.

I was really happy to connect with other new parents with children around the same age, some of them I knew already, some I knew a little bit, some were entirely new to me. It'd be nice if we could continue sharing community like we did last night.

This morning we went over to play with our neighbors' cats and give them more food and water, Lilly stroked and talked to them. Then we watched Baby Einstein Neighborhood Animals; she can name a lot of the animals now, "dog," "babbit" (rabbit), etc. It's a blustery wet but mild day. We're heading over to the library at 10 a.m. and then later in the afternoon we're meet friends at Froggy Bottoms for beer.

Update: Froggy Bottoms is not a child friendly place. Though it was nice to see friends, I did not enjoy myself very much. It's too big of a place with too many unsafe things for Lilly to get into and not easy to keep track of her whereabouts; the booths and high tables and chairs prevent a good visual overview. We were so much happier and relaxed at the Tavern lounge, so we'll go there next time. It's a small contained room without much clutter, and tables and chairs are lower so it's easier to follow Lilly with one's eyes to see where she's at.

a great rainy day

It's 4:30 p.m., and Lilly hasn't had her nap (yet?), but, I'm amazed to say, she's happy -- and has been all day. She had a good night. She needed a little comforting around 9 p.m., then slept till after 2 a.m. Did not need more medication last night and was calm till morning when she got out of bed with a smile! Didn't even have time to go to the potty, just straight to all her toys.

This morning I was busy preparing for my small ladies brunch/lunch, and Lilly was happily playing on her own, studying her books and puzzles, so cute! Same when the ladies were here, she kept playing on her own, just visiting with us every now.

My guests (three strong women that I know through Lakselaget luncheons) arrived around eleven and left around one thirty. Lilly was past her nap time by then, and I thought she'd have an easy time falling asleep, but she either got so wired or happy or I don't know what. Unfortunately, her cold symptoms came back now during the last hour or so (because she's overtired?). Don't think we shall go to the pumpkin carving party at five...

It's been a rainy day; our home is so cozy on days like these!! With candles burning, the warm colors of the furniture and rugs. I love it!

It felt so good to have some adult conversation. We laughed, shared, cried, it was all good, all real. I'd made my usual pasta salad (whole wheat pasta shells, sauteed onion and mushroom, mozarrella cheese, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, kalamate olives, and a sauce made of Greek nonfat yoghurt, mustard, garlic, salt & peper). I'd gotten a baguette from the co-op, served it warm from the oven, crackers and brie for appetizers, with olives stuffed with hot peppers, grapes ... Sorbet for dessert. Sparkling wine. I'm getting hungry for more as I write this! It is getting close to dinner time. And so luckily there are lots of leftovers!

but they say it takes a village

[scenario: "she," a friend of mine, also the wife of "he." She's out of town for a conference, he's home alone with a baby-toddler boy. Following cut & pasted from facebook:]

(he): I don't think I have what it takes.
(other dad): You'd be surprised just how little it really takes.
(he): But sometimes what it takes is not compatible.

(he): I guess I also wonder if I should do whatever it takes.

(she): You DO have what it takes, of course you do!
(he): But they say it takes a village. I have something more like a hut, perhaps a yurt.

This little interchange made me smile, laugh, it's funny, and it's true. Our midwife told us about this research she'd read about, how people who live in shared community live longer. I crave adult contact. Today, the only person I spoke with "live" was my friend Nancy, for a couple of minutes, we dropped by her office, between classes. I can't really count the cashier at Cub's. And Leighton was via Skype.

When Lilly and I were in the park this afternoon, I saw two other "real" people there: the woman with the dog Lilly got to bark back at, and a Carleton student. Both talking on their cells. I was craving conversation with either (though I have no clue who they were), but they were so busy speaking on their cells.

Is this as good as it gets these days? I find myself, now that Leighton is gone, blogging, emailing, Skyping, chatting (online), facebooking, googling, etc., etc., more than when he's around to talk with. And it's not just to "waste" or "spend" time: I'm reaching out.

I think it's a little sad. Because in the morning, I wake up, and I don't feel 'filled' the way I do when I've spent an evening with people in person, unmediated by media. Of course, we're always separate, even when together, words never really bridge all that well, or sometimes they succeed ok. But there's an energy you can experience, without or despite words, when you're sharing space.

While I must confess to being sort of a loner, I also regret the way western culture today reinforces an individualistic form of living. Leighton and I have talked about how when we next move, we need it to be to somewhere we have friends, where we can build a community, a village.

another day goes by

Today we had only one task on our to-do list: grocery shopping for the brunch-lunch tomorrow. So we had lots of time to fill... And so we did! And it was a pretty good day, I must say, though gray and kind of gloomy.

The day begins with the night before, I find, so here goes: Lilly had another rough night last night; I gave her some more medication around 2 a.m., propped her head on a pillow, dabbed some eucalyptus around her nostrils, gave some more boob, tickled her head, and all that seemed to help. Morning went by pretty smoothly: breakfast, some Baby Einstein (while I checked e-mail real quick), shower. Then off to the grocery store, Lilly loves Cub! Funny I boycotted it at first when it came to town. She was happy in the cart for a while, then walked/ran around; she was good about coming along though and of course charms everyone with her big glee as she wanders about like that. She loves carrying the key and getting it into the key hole on the car and house, so that makes exiting fairly easy too.

After Cub, there was still some time before lunch, so we headed up to St. Olaf College to say hi to my friend Nancy in art history. Lilly loves the Dittmann Center as well; fun space to hang out in. I ran into two former great con students of mine, nice to chat with them a little too. They're seniors now.

After that, Lilly was very tired... We headed home for an early lunch while we Skyped with papa (my Leighton). Lilly waved and smiled. Then crashed ten to twelve and slept for a whole three hours! Unfortunately, I don't feel like I was too productive during that time. I kept hearing her cough and was on pins and needles expecting her to wake up anytime. But she slept through it all. And then she was very happy when she woke up! And wanted out after only a little playtime inside (she got shoes on and pointed to the door). So we went to Central park to play at the playground there.

I got cold (should have worn a hat like Lilly) and it was getting close to dinner, so we headed home after 45 minutes or so, against Lilly's will, I'm afraid. But when I told her we should go check on "Eddy" (one of her stuffed animals, a dog; she loves dogs -- she got to visit with a dog at the park and barked back at her...), she got more into being home. She got a little impatient when she realized what would come next (eating); she wanted the food to be done and on the table and for her to sit in her chair by the table. She didn't want any food though, as it turned out. But was happy enough by the table nonetheless. So I had a fairly calm meal... Soup from Lori (thank you Lori!). In addition to the lentil & tomato soup we had yesterday, Lori also had made and brought us some quinoa chowder with potatoes, tofu and kale (I think those must have been the ingredients). I heated it up so it was really warm, which felt so good, and also had some bread, butter, herb mustard, strong cheddar, ham and grapes. Lilly did in fact try both the sandwich and the soup, but mostly played and talked.

I asked if she wanted to "bade" (take a bath) after supper and tonight she was up for it! And she had so much fun in there! Splashing around, playing "opp og ned" (up and down), etc., etc. She did not want to get out, but she got so wired, in the end I had her come out. Which she was fine with. She actually seemed a little cold. She kept yawning too. But was still very wired.

So tonight she did not have such an easy time falling asleep. I also didn't give her any medicine, because the bath cleared her airways a bit and I thought she might be fine. But after a while in bed, she was very congested, kept coughing and sneezing and rubbing her eyes and nose. So I gave her some medicine again, and she fell asleep after that and some more boob, around seven thirty. Tomorrow is the last day we can give her medicine on this round at least (it'll have been ten days, and directions say to stop after that). I hope she'll be feeling better...

Now it's already eight thirty and there are so many things on my to-do list! At the same time I'm tired. Which partly explains my use of time when Lilly napped as well; a little of this, a little of that, hard to focus on one thing or really get into work. I'm reading a little fiction, reading a little for work, analyzing a little film for work, watching a little film for fun. Responding to some emails from friends, writing some that are related to work. This way the time goes by.