february summary

Nighttime weaning
accomplished: Lilly goes to bed in the extra bedroom between 7 and 8 p.m., then transfers in to me between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. and Leighton goes in to sleep in the extra bedroom so Lilly and I can have more room in our bed. She settles quickly, without nursing, I often can't remember her coming in to me. She doesn't nurse till 4 a.m., often it's not till 5 a.m. Typically, she nurses at 4, 5, and 6, and then we get up for her to pee & poo in the potty. Sometimes she wakes up between transfer and first nursing, could be teething pain, gas, or discomfort, but will most often settle soon again on my arm. Such an amazing change since we started this in January and how things were before with nursing every couple hours from bedtime till morning.

Winter wonderland
Temperatures finally warmed up a little to entice me out on some amazing skiing in the white covered prairie land, blue sky and sunshine. We've gotten lots of snow this winter. Driving out into the country side yesterday, I saw flocks of pheasants and wild turkeys looking for food by the roadside.

Child swap
I've finally found two moms to swap child care with. So far, this has gotten me two mornings with yoga and Leighton and I have one brunch/lunch date to look forward to and are now also planning an early dinner date. (Keep in mind, we've only had one dinner date so far, when Leighton's mom came out to visit in November, so we are very excited about this.)

Urban living
First weekend of the month, we house sat for some friends in Saint Paul. We splurged and ate out, got to visit with good friends in the city, went to the Walker art museum in Minneapolis where they have free activities for children every first Saturday of the month. We headed up to the cities again the second Sunday of the month, Valentine's day, for some sushi. We'd planned on happy hour, but it was canceled with all the people there. So we splurged again; it was worth it.

Manuscripts submitted
I submitted the second half of my manuscript on feminist porn to my editor and launched my next book which will be a collection of mamas' stories about their children's sleep. Leighton received positive feedback on the story he wrote for Lilly from a professor of children's literature at Saint Olaf College and a friend of ours in Norway whose expertise is children's literature and who works with promoting Norwegian literature abroad. We sent the story to my editor who passed it on to the children's department in the same publishing house.

Got a grant
I finally received a big grant I've been applying for; maybe third time really is a charm? I know my proposal kept improving as I got further into the project, and I received helpful feedback from friends. It's a boost to the project and my self-esteem.

Stay or go?
We put our house out for sale this month with mixed feelings. There's so much that keeps us here, so much that draws us to go there. The pros and cons seem to outweigh each other, leaving us rather handlingslammet.

Lilly
has all four corner molars now, but teething's still a pain. She loves books, music, dancing (she's obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake's Let's dance these days), baby MacDonald and farm animals. She has three friends she repeats the names of: Avery, Addie, and Anna (pronounced Annie). She speaks a lot, more Norwegian than English, a lot that sounds like Chinese to us. She loves hugs and kisses, cuddling and playing with mama and papa.

socializing

Wednesday night Leighton and I finally got our date night. Except for a lunch out in January when my friend Helene took Lilly for a stroll in a nearby park, and one late evening in June when our friend Hege came over and we went out for a couple of late night beers (Lilly didn't go down till nine or so that evening), Leighton and I haven't had a real date yet. So this week when Leighton's mom was here, we really wanted to have a night out. We tried Tuesday; no luck. Lilly did not want to go to bed and by the time she did, it was too late for us to go out. Wednesday she fell asleep by 6:55 p.m; we were out of the door by 7:10 p.m. We went to the Indian restaurant Chapati, our favorite restaurant in town. We had vowed to eat slowly, to really enjoy not having to down the food as fast as possible. However, we were both really hungry, and so we didn't manage to eat too slowly, but we still really enjoyed eating uninterruptedly and while the food was still warm! We were done by 9 p.m., and seeing all seemed calm on the home front, we went over to the Contented Cow, a pub owned by the same British guy who owns Chapati, and had a drink there by the fireplace. We struck up a conversation with a nice elderly man who sat there, talked a lot about Lilly ... And ourselves. Shared stories. It was really nice.

Then last night I had my first sleepover since June, when I had my very first night away from Lilly when Hege and I headed over to her mom's empty apartment for the night with a kilo of shrimp, a couple of baguettes, some cava and white wine. Yesterday afternoon I headed up to Saint Paul for a ladies' night out: tiny bubbles and appetizers at my friend Stephanie's house in the Cathedral Hill neighborhood, dinner after that at La Grolla's around the corner on Selby (I had a delicious seafood pasta dish and some of that velvety petit syrah we shared), and then the four of us finished off the evening back at the house with more red wine and chocolate cake from Cafe Latte. This morning I met another friend at Nina's Coffee Cafe on top of Garrison Keillor's bookstore, Common Good Books.

It was so lovely to have this time to visit with friends, to be out and about in town and city, soak in some of the flair of urban living.

And then it's so good to come home after that. On my way home, I stopped by Cafe Latte for some yummy organic ten grain bread and Trader Joe's to stock up on affordable wholesome groceries, got back to the house at a quarter till noon, just in for lunch. Lilly was so wound up, we were so excited to see each other again, she didn't go down for a nap till 2:45 p.m.

breathing room

After last week's post/rant: here's an update. The weather was great this weekend. Got outside for some yard work. Lilly was out with Anne on Saturday to rake the the yard and driveway (which was covered with leaves and walnuts). I borrowed our neighbors truck so I could take the yard waste to the compost site. Sunday afternoon after Lilly's nap we went out to rake more leaves and walnuts which just in that short time covered the driveway again. Lilly liked being outside. I cleaned the gutters on the garage and cut down the hostas while she ran around. Our neighbors were out too and Lilly was very impressed by the mower and leaf blower.

Today again we had beautiful weather. After errands and the library, Lilly and I played outside in the yard before lunch. We had just long-sleeved T-shirts (no jackets!): the sun was warm and the air felt healthy against the body and in the lungs.

It was my afternoon to work. I was surprised I could sit inside with such weather, but I felt refreshed from the weekend and morning outside. I felt renewed even. As if it knew -- 'IT' -- that somethings gotta give! Gotta give these people a break with the weather if their going to make it through the winter sane and sound.

Tonight at yoga I felt good, in sync with my practice. We were asked to set an intention. I chose a couple key words: focus and strength. I'm not the best at focusing my mind and body in the space, but I achieved some peace of mind when I found my breath in sync with my body. And I felt the strength in my body as I focused my breath and kept the pace. I felt the warmth in my body--the heat which comes from within.

During relaxation my thoughts turned into a kind of image. Breathing room, I thought. I don't know what this space is for you, where you might find it, if at all, but I felt it in my body. Though this would typically be considered space around the body. I felt it and I took a few big breaths, metaphorically speaking.

This reminds me of a quote I heard about parenting which went something like, "Parenting is the hardest job and it's given to amateurs." I think of this when I need a little breathing room, when I'm feeling a little shitty about being a bad dad or whatever. I tell myself it's OK to make mistakes; be the best dad I can be, which is the best I can do.

And when I'm feeling like I was last week--in a real funk over the weather--I need to remember to give myself a little breathing room, because the weather won't always do it for me, like today. Though I'm grateful for all the help I can get.

Lastly, I want to say something about yoga. It seems like I've been writing more and more about this. Since we've been back in the States, Anne and I have been going to yoga twice a week. Not only is this good 'I' time--alone, away from Anne and Lilly--it's feels like a good way to re-center my self. I'm not the best at doing this, like I suggest above: I don't often have much focus or peace of mind. (Sometimes I even get bored with the physical activity.) Although my thoughts are often outside the space and more often than not still 'at work' I do feel that yoga gives me some breathing room. I store this in my body. I take this with me. It's there when I need it and I can look forward to more every week.

shaking my fist at the sky

Fall came too suddenly this year. The signs outside point to this: with the branches and leaves having fallen from the trees into sad piles or covering the yard, for example, alive and green, left for dead. I feel it in my body too. As if off and running fully charged from summer vacation I tripped just a few yards out; my head and shoulders and chest thrown forward, sending me face first with all my momentum into the cold and damp ground; into a patch of slushy snow, no less (which is out there, to be sure). My mood feels just about the same. I'm in a funk. These last few days, while all else is as it should be, every day living, and all, something is off. I cannot concentrate. I cannot let go. Tonight at yoga I was so not into it. I felt this too when I walked out the door and up the stairs, into the dark, cold October night: I wanted to shake my fist at the sky! I thought about not too long ago when I could walk out and up from my practice and see the sun just starting to set; feel the air, still warm from the late-summer day; and breathe it all in. That's gone. And too suddenly. At least I have my two lovelies to come home to.

it can be different today

It was cold today and definitely a fall feeling when I was out mowing. I especially felt it this morning as I rode my bike to the library. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my mornings to work at the library: reading and writing for my master's program papers and thesis. On those days I spend the afternoons with Lilly. Thus today was my afternoon with Lilly.

This is my schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I spend the mornings with Lilly and work in the afternoons. Anne has the opposite schedule. Weekends are designated family days.

However, Lilly's nap time is usually between 1 and 2:30. So on Tuesdays and Thursdays if Lilly isn't napping by 1 when Anne is scheduled to begin her afternoons to work, then we have a couple options. Lilly can nap later in the Bobber, in which case she only naps for 45 mins or so rather than her usual 2+ hrs in bed. Or Anne can stay home and put Lilly down for her nap (in which case Lilly usually falls asleep between 1 and 3) and sacrifice some of her work time, working when Lilly is napping, then moving into the bedroom or basement to work when Lilly wakes up and it's time to play and make dinner. (Today I tried putting Lilly down for her nap with the bottle but this didn't work: whether she was too wired, over-tired (or both), or if the light was too bright shining through the shades, I don't know.)

Today Lilly napped from 2:30-4. Anne stayed home and worked the first hour in the bedroom. By 2 Lilly was tired but still she couldn't sleep without Anne.

When Lilly woke up Anne said she herself was tired, that she could be with Lilly and make dinner if I would mow (which I've been meaning to get around to). I said hesitantly, "But it's my afternoon with Lilly. And I'm going to make dinner." Anne in return replied, "It can be different today." That's the short of it.

Without going into all the details, let me just finish by saying this. We don't live by schedules. Though it is (at least we have found it to be) a somewhat easier to navigate our days with Lilly when we have a schedule in mind, because it puts us at ease to know that if we're having a bit of a struggle whenever: then at such and such time somethings gotta change. Whether we need a break from Lilly, or from work, or if the morning is dragging on or the slow afternoon is putting us in a funk, we know that the clock is there to help us count it down.

But we don't live by schedules. Sometimes it's good to say, "It can be different today." I was thinking about this at yoga tonight. I was trying to find peace in my practice and in that simple phrase. Because in life like in yoga, you feel where your practice is that day; and you work with it.

Something about fatherhood

Just a quick post since I should be working. Lilly is 11 months today. Almost 1 year. Which is hard to believe, time goes by so quickly. I've been thinking about fatherhood. I've been thinking back on everything. Trying to remember what it was like before Lilly, that's to say waiting for Lilly.

Recently I read a friend's blog post in which he was complaining about baby books for fathers-to-be. I recognized the picture he had posted of The Guy's Guide, which is mostly crap. In response I posted a comment:

The best advice I was given, which wasn't advice, really, but just something to turn around in my head before and especially after the birth and even now at almost one year, was from a friend: he said to me, Get ready for a whole new kind of love. And it's true. At least for me. Another thing, which I heard on NPR, and on a totally unrelated topic, was that parenting is the hardest job, and it's given to amateurs. This provided a little breathing room. And finally, in a book I received from my father about fathers and daughters, you know, one of those gift books with quotes, I read something like this: The hardest part of parenting is letting your hopes for you child outweigh your fears. There you have it.

There's no telling what advice is best for fathers (or for mothers). Really it's different for all. Of course. Some like funny, some like facts, others like tips and others timetables (please excuse the alliteration). Anyway, the point being... Is there a point to all this?

I just thought I'd share. What has been the most remarkable thing about becoming a father is that whole new kind of love: that ever-expanding love I feel for my daughter. I am forever grateful and happier for it.

father and daughter

A while back my mother sent this picture of me, along with a picture of Lilly, comparing the two of us. I can't remember which picture of Lilly. Below is Lilly at 2 weeks--the picture of me is at 4 weeks. I've also included some unpublished photos from our days in Northfield.