mother's instinct

Dealing with Lilly’s cold has brought up some grief for me surrounding Lilly’s first days of life and how I failed to trust my instinct faced with the threats of a pediatrician, the worries of my husband, even the hesitant attitude of our midwife.

When Lilly hit her head at the airport in Athens this past summer, I was more determined to stand stronger. I wish the ambulance people had not arrived. But at least I did not follow the doctor’s advice to be transferred from the clinic to a neurological unit. I had to sign papers before we could leave the country, it was my decision only, and I took that responsibility. On the way back to the airport in the ambulance, one of the paramedics whispered to me that he thought I’d made the right decision, that she’d be just fine.

Those words were so comforting.

But as a mama you can’t always count on them.

You’ve got to trust your own instinct.

You've got to stand strong, and you’ve got to remain big enough not to hold blame against those who can’t be expected to have that instinct. No matter how tired or physically exhausted.

Victorious mama with Lilly, in bed our first night together, a few hours after a three day labor. (Sunday June 15, Albert Lea Medical Center)

Exuberant mama finally getting ready to take Lilly home. (Wednesday June 18, Mayo Clinic Intensive Care Unit, Rochester)