Lately I've been thinking a lot about how we define "identity" and the implications of possessive pronouns. A friend of mine who's also a new mom pointed out to me how we tend to think of our new babies as distinctly ours while we refuse our own mothers to think of or relate to us as theirs. I speak of Lilly as my baby and do in a sense think of her as my possession. At the same time I'm quite aware of how she's growing into her own being, every day she's more independent.
On the other hand, I am very much Lilly's mama and not just my own being. The boundary between her body and mine does not seem to exist to her. I've described myself as a human pillow; to Lilly I also seem to be an extension of her flesh. And she is a germinated part of me -- and Leighton.
I've been working so hard in my adult life to establish and maintain healthy boundaries; with Lilly I can't even seem to define my own identity. I am my own, but I am also hers, my body does not end with me. When I'm not with Lilly, I feel a part of me is missing. I itch to get up and do things when I hold her, but I can't be away for too long.
Yesterday Lilly was resting peacefully in her new crib as I was trying to get a few things done. I managed to clean up in the kitchen and make lunch, but then wasn't able to eat it on my own in the kitchen. Feeling slightly self-conscious, I took my plate and cup with me and ate my sandwich standing by Lilly's crib. I returned to the kitchen halfway through my sandwich (determined to manifest some independent adult behavior), but then Lilly was the one who got fussy and required my presence. We're two needy ones these days, Lilly and I. But as she is gradually becoming her own, what I am is also shifting back into place. Sort of. A part of me will always be outside of me, and my heart will from now on always feel a tug I never felt before.
3 comments:
Anne -- I remember reading this years ago and it is so true:
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
I've heard the first three months of a baby's life referred to as the third trimester of pregnancy and I think that's pretty accurate.
From then on it's a life-long process of "separation-individuation" as they call it.
I'm so proud watching him gleefully scurry away from me on his own but also sad to see him go. I like it much better when he scurries toward me ;-) Being a mom definitely makes me think of my own mother differently (and her foremothers).
Whoops--I mean, the first three months of the baby's life are the FOURTH trimester of pregnancy!
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