Not only has the first crocus come up in the garden,
we've had our first margaritas out on the sun porch,
we've had our first BBQ with friends.
Lilly's had her first full days diaper-free this week (except for when she naps, and when she wakes up after a nap it's still typically been dry),
she's gotten her first actual undies,
and she's having her first spring in our house in Northfield.
Mar 26, 2010
Mar 24, 2010
spring celebrations
Today my first crocus came up, only a few days after spring solstice on Saturday. Sunday was my birthday, I think my best so far. Got to stay in bed longer while Leighton was with Lilly, then Leighton made me breakfast and after that he presented me with an adventure-game of gifts he'd prepared for me. Very fun. I had a morning walk in the sunshine with my friend Amanda after that, then lunch out all of us at a cafe in town. While Lilly had her afternoon nap, I got a massage (and it felt wonderful). Then Leighton and I took Lilly over to her friend Anna for a playdate while we got to go out for a dinner-date (our second so far, after Leighton's mom was here in the fall). We went to Chapati, an Indian restaurant in town, ate all our food and shared a bottle of wine; it was lovely. To round it all off, we had Ben & Jerry ice cream while watching an HBO show after Lilly had fallen asleep (Chubby Hubby and Karamel Sutra). Couldn't be better.
My thanks to friends and family for cards, gifts, and greetings! You helped made my day extra special!
My thanks to friends and family for cards, gifts, and greetings! You helped made my day extra special!
Mar 23, 2010
The village thing
Spring! Time to get out. Lilly napped in the stroller today. Matt, a friend, saw us walking by his house and came outside for a chat. His son had just gone down for a nap. Then another friend, Katie, walked by with her baby who was napping in a baby wrap. I walked with her a few blocks.
Later, we were invited for the first grill of the year! It turned out to be a kind of a potluck with 3 families--6 adults, 5 kids, great food and fun. The kids played, the adults got to talk.
It really is so much easier with a community of friends. Now that the snow has melted, we can expect more days like today!
Mar 19, 2010
A girl's best friend, or Sick again
Today ends a two-week stretch with multiple viewings of Marley & Me. I checked it out of the library on a Friday, and we as a family watched it after dinner and before bedtime. Anne and I allow Lilly to watch movies with us in the evenings and the occasional afternoon on weekends, or if we want to watch a movie when she's had a late nap and won't be going to bed before we go to bed. Also, we allow her to watch movies upon request when she is sick (see It's difficult too).
For the past two weeks Lilly requested "Mauley" just about everyday. And since she had a fever the first week, and now a cold this the second week, we've allowed it. She still has a runny nose. On the occasion of having returned the movie to the library today, I must say: I'm a bit anxious about how she'll cope without her favorite "doggy"!
Mar 17, 2010
Lilly and mama dancing on the porch
With all this warm weather, we've been taking advantage of the porch just about every day. Here's a video of Lilly dancing to the tunes on her drum machine. Mama got excited and joined in the fun!
Mar 16, 2010
Resources
Having just searched the public library for resources concerning fatherhood, it's evident that little is invested in the subject. Of the resources available, two are by national weatherman Al Roker: Don't Make Me Stop This Car! and Big Shoes. Only Daddy Smarts by Bradley G. Richardson approaches fatherhood from a general perspective. Though, as a dissatisfied reader pointed out, 26 of the 29 chapters concerned pre-birth topics. (The follow-up concerning "the first two years" is not available.) Father and Child Reunion by Warren Farrell, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Margaret J. Meeker, and novelist Michael Chabon's Manhood for Amateurs complete the list of resources found with a subject search for fatherhood.
Fatherhood is a growing subject of interest and worth investing in. The number of "daddy blogs" substantiates such a claim. Recently Daddy Dialectic blogger Jeremy Adam Smith published his book The Daddy Shift, addressing the subject of both fathering and parenting in the twenty-first century. Mothering magazine opened the subject to its readers some two years ago with regular articles, as well as a fathering blog authored by Smith; and Peggy O'Mara, the magazine's publisher and editor, takes up the subject and gathers resources in her current editorial.
Yet "motherhood" outnumbers "fatherhood" with resources available to parents in general; and specifically at local levels. I had to order Smith's above-mentioned book using the inter-library loan system.
The options probably aren't much better at the local bookstore. A typical "dad book" is something like The Guy's Guide to Surviving Pregnancy, Childbirth and the First Year of Fatherhood by Michael Crider--also the author of The Guy's Guide to Surviving Toddlers, Tantrums, and Separation Anxiety (Yours, Not Your Kid's!). (I've only read the former, but based on it I don't recommend either.) As a reader review points out, the author employs just about any cliche you can imagine with regard to fatherhood.
Why do so many books about fatherhood rely on humor to sell the product? It seems these personal perspective books are meant to supplement the sterile parenting manuals. And apparently most men go in for humor. It's sad that stereotypes such as this debase the resources available to fathers in general. Take out all the jokes and cliches, and nothing substantial remains.
There are of course more books available for sale online, though with all the bad books out there it's quite the task to find a good book for you. It's best to rely on others whose recommendations you value (not reviews by readers you know nothing about). For example, I personally would start with the books listed in the above-mentioned editorial by Peggy O'Mara. You can find a blog you like, and find out what that blogger reads. Often these resources are online, may even be other blogs. But, more and more, new and better books for fathers are being published. Hopefully these books find shelves in bookstores and public libraries near you.
while I showered
Lilly emptied the spice and tea drawer, got all the tea bags out of the boxes and chewed through my favorite ones; moved into the bathroom where she unrolled all the toilet paper and emptied the kleenex box, dropping the kleenexes into the sink where they all got wet from water; and just, as I was getting out of the shower, had started emptying the garbage can.
Sigh; is this when I get to throw her out of the window?
On the other hand, she's doing an excellent job peeing in her potty. She's been diaper-free all morning, and no accidents so far. I had to get some jeans up from the basement that she'd outgrown; without a diaper all her pants are too big now, revealing the cutest little bum.
Stuff is also running out of her nose, unfortunately; I can't wait for cold season to be over. And not to be a human snot rag anymore. I have streaks of snot on my shirts and pants, even (maybe not surprisingly), inside of my bra, on my nursing pads. Lovely. Getting double use out of those these days, I suppose.
Sigh; is this when I get to throw her out of the window?
On the other hand, she's doing an excellent job peeing in her potty. She's been diaper-free all morning, and no accidents so far. I had to get some jeans up from the basement that she'd outgrown; without a diaper all her pants are too big now, revealing the cutest little bum.
Stuff is also running out of her nose, unfortunately; I can't wait for cold season to be over. And not to be a human snot rag anymore. I have streaks of snot on my shirts and pants, even (maybe not surprisingly), inside of my bra, on my nursing pads. Lovely. Getting double use out of those these days, I suppose.
Mar 14, 2010
spring spring ahead!
I confess to being prematurely excited when I exclaimed back in January that spring has sprung, but this time it's for real! It all happened so fast, and now, amazingly and suddenly, there are large patches of uncovered lawn, streets and sidewalks are dry, and the birds are chirping to the smell of mud. After a mild stretch with some sun and lots of rain--we even had our first thunder storm of the season last Thursday--impressive amounts of snow has either evaporated or been washed away. Temperatures have now reached their 50s, it's sunny outside, the Cannon river is rumbling high through the city, and we've inaugurated our sun porch. After walking with my good friend Amanda this morning, I even think I saw the faint hint of yellow on a forsythia across the street in my neighbor's backyard. Today we set our clocks an hour ahead to daylight savings time, next weekend is spring equinox.
Sunny Sunday afternoon on the porch with chips, salsa, and margaritas after a little stroll outside on the block, inspecting what's growing.
Sunny Sunday afternoon on the porch with chips, salsa, and margaritas after a little stroll outside on the block, inspecting what's growing.
Mar 8, 2010
is socialized more civil(ized)?
As my husband and I find ourselves obsessing about where we want to live, be it in the US or Norway (or maybe somewhere entirely different, like the Mediterranean), a huge issue is where can we get good and affordable daycare and school for our daughter who's now close to 21 months.
In the US, daycare is much more expensive than in Norway, at least till the child is ready for preschool at age three. In Norway, daycare is relatively cheap and all children age one and up are guaranteed a spot.
But in Norway, the quality of daycares doesn't always measure up to the quality of daycares in the US. Norwegian schools rate lower than American schools.
But on this international women's day, the question I'm really struggling with, is what is best for mama?
I grew up in Norway and took for granted one year of paid parental leave in conjunction with the birth or adoption of a child, as well as subsidized daycare from the child was one. I found the lack of paid parental leave in the US abhorrent (and I still do), and the high cost of daycares an appalling obstacle to the progress of gender equality. Often it makes more sense financially for one of the parents to stay home and take care of the child, because this parent's salary--typically the mother's--would not or just barely make up for the cost of daycare. In other words, the lack of affordable daycare reinforces traditional gender roles in the US.
On the other extreme, there is in Norway a growing support for enforced equal sharing of the parental leave. This troubles me too. Because realistically, how well can a mother continue to breastfeed the child through his or her first year of life if she were to go back to work after only half a year? Certainly, it can be done (by some), but by the majority?
The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding up to two years or beyond. This has been my choice. Could I have done it if I had to leave home for work everyday? Certainly not with my daughter's frequent nursing pattern, every two hour. I'm lucky that I can have half the day to work on my own writing at home, and thus be available to my child when she needs me.
Attachment parenting is a related key issue. Psychologists point out the importance of nurturing attached relationships with the child in his or her first two to three years of life between the child and primary caretakers, not to be reduced to parents only, but also including relatives, friends, even hired caretakers that are able to dedicate focused care and attention to the child, building a sense of strong secure bonds for the child.
Norwegian journalist Simen Tveitereid caused quite the uproar in Norway with his book Hva skal vi med barn? (2008) where he asks why we have children if we're not up for the task to take care of them ourselves, but instead drop them off in understaffed or poorly staffed daycares when what they really need is developing a few attached relationships. Critics admonished Tveitereid for making parents feel badly about the way they raise their children. If this is tantamount to saying that if your thoughts and findings could cause others to second guess and feel guilty about heir choices, you should keep what you've found to yourself, it comes dangerously close to censorship.
I never questioned the Norwegian model till I became a parent and found myself comparing and contrasting different approaches to parenting in different cultures.
In the US, with our modest means, my husband and I could probably not afford daycare without me getting a full time job, which I'm unwilling to take on, because I want to be available to our daughter for at least half the day. So in a sense we don't have a real choice here. Perhaps we could make it if my husband has a full time job and I a part time job, but when then would I write, or he? And what would we do if we have another child?
In Norway, we could possibly make it on one salary while having our child in daycare for half the day (while paying for full time daycare: half day daycare is not an option, but technically we would be able to pick up our child earlier). I find myself wondering though, how this arrangement would be encountered, how would I be perceived? A reactionary old-fashioned mama? A goner? Someone who doesn't know what's best for her?
In response to this, I would argue that in Norway where gender equality is so highly valued, mothers are socialized to return to full time work when the child is one. This seems to be especially true for educated middle class mothers (stay-at-home moms in Norway can mainly be found among the labor or upper classes).
In 1998, the Norwegian government instituted a monthly cash support to those parents who decide not to have their child between ages one and three in daycare. The cash support has been fiercely attacked for reinforcing traditional gender roles; class differences (when parents end up spending the money to hire nannies or au pair students); and cultural differences (seeing that often the moms that take advantage of it, tend to be immigrants from non-Westernized countries). It's been cut several times and may soon be discontinued.
In The Mask of Motherhood, Susan Maushart recommends both parents work part time in order to support greater gender equality and mutual understanding between the parents; allowing for the child to draw on each parent's individual skills; and for both parents to nurture attached relationships with the child. Maushart recognizes that in the US at least, this remains an impractical solutions: there are not many actual half time jobs, and typically only full time jobs provide benefits, such as health care, which in Norway is universal, making this a more realistic financial alternative there. However, aside from the occasional parole calling for six-hour workdays for all, it's not been on the agenda in Norway, not the way Maushart envisions it, a scenario that definitely appeals to me.
In the US, daycare is much more expensive than in Norway, at least till the child is ready for preschool at age three. In Norway, daycare is relatively cheap and all children age one and up are guaranteed a spot.
But in Norway, the quality of daycares doesn't always measure up to the quality of daycares in the US. Norwegian schools rate lower than American schools.
But on this international women's day, the question I'm really struggling with, is what is best for mama?
I grew up in Norway and took for granted one year of paid parental leave in conjunction with the birth or adoption of a child, as well as subsidized daycare from the child was one. I found the lack of paid parental leave in the US abhorrent (and I still do), and the high cost of daycares an appalling obstacle to the progress of gender equality. Often it makes more sense financially for one of the parents to stay home and take care of the child, because this parent's salary--typically the mother's--would not or just barely make up for the cost of daycare. In other words, the lack of affordable daycare reinforces traditional gender roles in the US.
On the other extreme, there is in Norway a growing support for enforced equal sharing of the parental leave. This troubles me too. Because realistically, how well can a mother continue to breastfeed the child through his or her first year of life if she were to go back to work after only half a year? Certainly, it can be done (by some), but by the majority?
The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding up to two years or beyond. This has been my choice. Could I have done it if I had to leave home for work everyday? Certainly not with my daughter's frequent nursing pattern, every two hour. I'm lucky that I can have half the day to work on my own writing at home, and thus be available to my child when she needs me.
Attachment parenting is a related key issue. Psychologists point out the importance of nurturing attached relationships with the child in his or her first two to three years of life between the child and primary caretakers, not to be reduced to parents only, but also including relatives, friends, even hired caretakers that are able to dedicate focused care and attention to the child, building a sense of strong secure bonds for the child.
Norwegian journalist Simen Tveitereid caused quite the uproar in Norway with his book Hva skal vi med barn? (2008) where he asks why we have children if we're not up for the task to take care of them ourselves, but instead drop them off in understaffed or poorly staffed daycares when what they really need is developing a few attached relationships. Critics admonished Tveitereid for making parents feel badly about the way they raise their children. If this is tantamount to saying that if your thoughts and findings could cause others to second guess and feel guilty about heir choices, you should keep what you've found to yourself, it comes dangerously close to censorship.
I never questioned the Norwegian model till I became a parent and found myself comparing and contrasting different approaches to parenting in different cultures.
In the US, with our modest means, my husband and I could probably not afford daycare without me getting a full time job, which I'm unwilling to take on, because I want to be available to our daughter for at least half the day. So in a sense we don't have a real choice here. Perhaps we could make it if my husband has a full time job and I a part time job, but when then would I write, or he? And what would we do if we have another child?
In Norway, we could possibly make it on one salary while having our child in daycare for half the day (while paying for full time daycare: half day daycare is not an option, but technically we would be able to pick up our child earlier). I find myself wondering though, how this arrangement would be encountered, how would I be perceived? A reactionary old-fashioned mama? A goner? Someone who doesn't know what's best for her?
In response to this, I would argue that in Norway where gender equality is so highly valued, mothers are socialized to return to full time work when the child is one. This seems to be especially true for educated middle class mothers (stay-at-home moms in Norway can mainly be found among the labor or upper classes).
In 1998, the Norwegian government instituted a monthly cash support to those parents who decide not to have their child between ages one and three in daycare. The cash support has been fiercely attacked for reinforcing traditional gender roles; class differences (when parents end up spending the money to hire nannies or au pair students); and cultural differences (seeing that often the moms that take advantage of it, tend to be immigrants from non-Westernized countries). It's been cut several times and may soon be discontinued.
In The Mask of Motherhood, Susan Maushart recommends both parents work part time in order to support greater gender equality and mutual understanding between the parents; allowing for the child to draw on each parent's individual skills; and for both parents to nurture attached relationships with the child. Maushart recognizes that in the US at least, this remains an impractical solutions: there are not many actual half time jobs, and typically only full time jobs provide benefits, such as health care, which in Norway is universal, making this a more realistic financial alternative there. However, aside from the occasional parole calling for six-hour workdays for all, it's not been on the agenda in Norway, not the way Maushart envisions it, a scenario that definitely appeals to me.
Mar 3, 2010
mask of motherhood
The mask of motherhood, writes Susan Maushart Ph.D. in The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Everything and Why We Pretend It Doesn't (1999) is "an assemblage of fronts--mostly brave, serene, and all-knowing--that we use to disguise the chaos and complexity of our lived experience...
The mask of motherhood is what keeps women silent about whay they feel and suspicious of what they know. It divides mother from daughter, sister from sister, friend form friend. It creates an abrupt and tragic chasm between adults who have children and adults who don't. It distorts the distance between childhood and adulthood, cutting ever deeper gaps between the generations. It pits male parents against female, amplifying the disjuncture between the verbs "to mother" and "to father." Above all, the mask of motherhood, by minimizing the enormity of women's work in the world, nourishes and sustains the profound ignorance that confuses humanity with mankind." (2-3)
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not pass on the knowledge so that women who choose to become mothers (most of us) can face it more equipped and be surrounded by greater understanding? Are we so ashamed of the chaos we encounter, the overwhelming boredom, the struggle to do it all when we thought we could have it all? Why will overbearing friends and family already initiated mothers just nod with a smirk when we sigh about how hard it is ("told you so"), what's the real meaning of that? Is, "it will change everything" really providing any real knowledge at all?
"The housewife of the 1950s and 1960s was told she had it all, and was left to wonder guiltily, 'Is that all there is?' Today's woman is also told she has it all--and there are times when she would give almost anything for a refund. Whereas our mothers' generation suffered a sense of emptiness, we are more likely to be feeling distinctly overfull. And the impoverished expectations and life choices of women a generation ago have given way to an embarrassment of riches." (xi-xii)
It's not just that motherhood comes with the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows, it's all those other things we set out to do, career, friendships, romance, exercise, political engagement, community work ...
Today's women are primed for achievement, but we find ourselves not "combining" motherhood with the rest of life in calm blend and balance, but desperately juggling, hanging on for dear life.
"All things were meant to be possible. The discovery that only a few of them are achievable, and some of those are mutually exclusive anyway, comes as a nasty shock." (178)
"We married and became mothers in the expectation that our lives or independence and achievement would remain fundamentally unaltered ... We are shocked to discover, and often too ashamed to admit, how far from this ideal we have traveled." (181)
But if we let this shock and shame, confusion and overwhelm silence us, how can we be helping ourselves, in the long run? How then to assert the power we do have to choose, to say yes to some things, no to others, without guilt or embarrassment.
The mask of motherhood is what keeps women silent about whay they feel and suspicious of what they know. It divides mother from daughter, sister from sister, friend form friend. It creates an abrupt and tragic chasm between adults who have children and adults who don't. It distorts the distance between childhood and adulthood, cutting ever deeper gaps between the generations. It pits male parents against female, amplifying the disjuncture between the verbs "to mother" and "to father." Above all, the mask of motherhood, by minimizing the enormity of women's work in the world, nourishes and sustains the profound ignorance that confuses humanity with mankind." (2-3)
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not pass on the knowledge so that women who choose to become mothers (most of us) can face it more equipped and be surrounded by greater understanding? Are we so ashamed of the chaos we encounter, the overwhelming boredom, the struggle to do it all when we thought we could have it all? Why will overbearing friends and family already initiated mothers just nod with a smirk when we sigh about how hard it is ("told you so"), what's the real meaning of that? Is, "it will change everything" really providing any real knowledge at all?
"The housewife of the 1950s and 1960s was told she had it all, and was left to wonder guiltily, 'Is that all there is?' Today's woman is also told she has it all--and there are times when she would give almost anything for a refund. Whereas our mothers' generation suffered a sense of emptiness, we are more likely to be feeling distinctly overfull. And the impoverished expectations and life choices of women a generation ago have given way to an embarrassment of riches." (xi-xii)
It's not just that motherhood comes with the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows, it's all those other things we set out to do, career, friendships, romance, exercise, political engagement, community work ...
Today's women are primed for achievement, but we find ourselves not "combining" motherhood with the rest of life in calm blend and balance, but desperately juggling, hanging on for dear life.
"All things were meant to be possible. The discovery that only a few of them are achievable, and some of those are mutually exclusive anyway, comes as a nasty shock." (178)
"We married and became mothers in the expectation that our lives or independence and achievement would remain fundamentally unaltered ... We are shocked to discover, and often too ashamed to admit, how far from this ideal we have traveled." (181)
But if we let this shock and shame, confusion and overwhelm silence us, how can we be helping ourselves, in the long run? How then to assert the power we do have to choose, to say yes to some things, no to others, without guilt or embarrassment.
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