fun on the porch

Sighing at lunchtime

When I have Lilly in the mornings, I find myself sighing at lunchtime. Even if the morning has been fine. Like today: nothing too exasperating happened, yet a BIG sigh while I was making my sandwich. The grocery bag did break, and all the groceries splattered on the ground outside, as Lilly ran off down the driveway toward the busy street on the corner. And of course she whined when I picked her up to take her inside; and she was irritable when we were just inside, wanting salami, milk, snacks, juice, ice--all at once--and yet not wanting anything at all! She was tired, I know, and wanted comfort, i.e., mama and boobs. Anyway, before that, for the first 3 3/4 hours of the morning (over 5 hours if you include the time Lilly and I were up and out of bed together before 8:00) most was fine.

Anne has had a few rough days and nights in a row with Lilly (not to mention that she usually has it rough with Lilly during the nights, and has had it rough, really, since even before Lilly was born, what with being pregnant, and all). And only this morning, Anne deposited Lilly in bed with me because they had been up together for a while after a bad night. Maybe I'm a bit more tired than usual this morning. But in general I've been sighing at lunchtime, so today is really no exception. I even feel a pressure build in my body and my muscles tense, as I go on automatic with whatever momentum I gain from the morning with Lilly.

Parenting is tiring. It's exasperating a lot of the time. And it's physically exhausting. My body takes these forces and makes them into audible release, expressive in the least. That's something to do with it, yes; but I also feel it's something to do with the fact that a parent (sure, I'm generalizing) is made to face or deal with the fact that, by being a parent, one's sense of freedom is tested everyday. If we have to have boundaries to have freedom (or however it goes), then it seems to me that being a parent keeps us near those boundaries everyday and forces us to deal with that however we deal with that.

I am grateful for my wife, who deals with this dilemma (as I've described it) much more intensely than me. I am impressed by her stamina. I'm impressed by those many stay-at-home moms (present and, especially, past) and stay-at-home dads (even myself) who care for their children on a daily basis. It's difficult, no matter to what degree.

a day's a year; a year's a minute

Lilly's 22 months today; almost 2 years! How did that happen? She's running around, talking like crazy, smiling and charming everyone. She's climbing up stairs and steps, including on slide sets, sliding down super fast, up and down, wiggling and dancing, laughing. Reading books, making coffee, soothing baby, watching Curious George.

Just recently, she's become pretty much completely diaper free. In fact, she peed in the potty even on the plane back from spring break in California! She'll pee on big peoples' toilets too now.

And she will most of the time respect that the boobs (milkies) need to sleep from bedtime till around 4 a.m. or so.

She's let mama leave her with a friend (my friend Mary's daughter Anna) while I go to yoga.

And she's happy.

Today she was so exuberantly happy! When I left her with Mary this morning before yoga, when I came back afterward, all the time after.

Maybe it was the good night of sleep last night? Or the fluorescent green which shines from the trees budding, blue-blue sky, sunshine. Tulips in all sorts of colors, even in our garden, they're on fire. Little purple flowers, I don't know what they're called. The cherry tree across the street in our neighbor's garden; like a spring bride.

So she refused to sleep. How can you sleep a day like this away? Who wants to nap anyways?

But it was my time to work. Leighton would typically be around, but (on my request) was out getting compost for the garden we're making. (he got lots of good soil for two beds we're making)

In the end, I just got up from the bed where I'd been lying next to her. Nursing, shhing, singing, stroking, kissing, cuddling. And I started writing. By the kitchen counter. She came in and joined me, all giddy. Started putting all her babes to sleep, (shh, shh, shhh, "sove," "seng"), talk, talk, talk.

Eventually we went out, did some sliding at our neighbor's slide set. Then strolled down to the co-op to get some tilapia (fish) for dinner.

Back to get that ready. While she watched Curious George. Papa working in the garden. Getting soil out onto the beds.

Then quick eat, and crash for sleep.

Lilly and dog

A fun video of our fearless Lilly playing ball with a dog at her friend Elias's birthday party yesterday.

creating a garden

The idea of gardening has always appealed to me, it's always been something I'd like to get more into. But aside from a few crocuses and tulips that I planted sort of haphazardly when I first bought this house in 2003 (I actually planted more that first fall than what has since come up; I just think I didn't do a very good job planting the bulbs deep enough down into the ground), it's remained a nice idea.

Now finally, I'm getting deep and dirty into it.

I think as a mama, creating a garden, nurturing growth, is becoming more in tune with me. I no longer crave being a free bird twittering around; I want the sanctuary of a home with healthy roots.

This weekend I finally got a former flower bed next to our porch, on the south side of our house, cleaned up from a messy layer of wood chips and twigs, old tarp, grass and moss. Then I borrowed the gardening tools of our good neighbors to dig up the hard packed earth.

I'm so proud of my achievements; though it's not a very big lot. Unfortunately, because of the shade from a huge walnut tree, I don't think I can grow tomatoes here. I might have to (ask Leighton help me) build a case garden for the tomato plants and place it on the narrow stretch of lawn between our patio and neighbors on the north side of our house. This area seems to be the sunniest spot in our yard and the tulips I planted there several years ago, still come up every year. Perhaps one day I can make a rose garden here.

Enjoying ourselves on our patio after a full fun weekend of yard work and play.

 

Readjusting in times of change

We returned from our trip to California determined to make some changes in our lives, some personal and some concerning our daughter. We had talked about changing bedtime, with more routines, and more papa. Yesterday, because we got home from our trip so late, our daily routines were off. We woke up late and spent the morning unpacking, running errands, etc. Lilly took a late nap. And Anne went to bed early. So last night, our first night back, I put Lilly to bed.

After dinner, Anne and I were talking: big talk, big plans for the near future. She got exasperated (she also had a headache from the weather or something) and went into the bedroom and closed the door. Lilly and I finished playing ("burning off energy") then started her bath. Unfortunately, she pulled up the shower knob. The water scared her and she wanted out. After that we got the house ready for bedtime (by turning lights out, etc.) and warmed up some of mama's milk. I wrestled Lilly into her nighttime diaper and pajamas, then we turned on Raffi's Quiet Time CD and read Lille Baby a few times over.

But Lilly wasn't ready for bed. (Also, she was showing what seemed to me to be signs of separation anxiety. Both Anne and I have noticed this recently: see her post.) Lilly tried to find anything to do other than sleep and finally wanted out of the room. She wouldn't drink any milk but requested salami. So we played a game of "you eat half and I eat half" for way too many slices.

Eventually I took Lilly back into the bedroom. We made a round of all the things in the room that she likes to point out and pick up, then we sat down on the bed to read the book "one more time" while Lilly sipped on her water. She laid back and allowed me to turn out the light.

This wasn't the end. Lilly was restless (as always) but more in a needy way. She ended up clinging to me, lying on my chest. That's how she fell asleep. I waited a bit before laying her on the bed and leaving the room.

Her room and the whole house was a mess, with clothes and toys and dishes everywhere. It was 9:52. I straightened up and did the dishes.

As I mentioned, Anne and I had talked about introducing more of me into the bedtime routine: bath, brushing teeth, diaper and pajamas, reading a book, after which Anne would give Lilly milk, then I would put Lilly to bed. Tonight, Anne came back from a La Leche League meeting, having decided that the last part is too much too soon. Even though she is tired and beaten from all that Lilly demands during her nap and bedtimes, Anne wants to continue (for the most part) being the one to put Lilly to bed. Anne started nighttime weening in January (with some setback due to illness in February). Now that Lilly is having more play dates while Anne goes to yoga (since February) and when mama and papa go on their dates (four thus far in almost two years, with those within these last months), and in addition to the fact that Lilly is doing so well with her potty and wearing underwear, Anne feels that for me to put Lilly to bed is too much. These factors might be the cause of the recent signs of separation anxiety--with the world getting bigger and Lilly clinging fast to her safety. I agree. It does seem like it would be best to take it easy for now.

In the meantime, I will continue with more evening routines and putting Lilly to bed occasionally, when Anne wants to go out in the evenings. And we as a family will start with some more fun changes like redecorating Lilly's room with a personal touch.