trick or treat!

(Minnie Mouse! aka our big little Lilly)

Lilly had a good long nap today: 2 hours and 40 minutes. She woke up with a smile and wanted into the living room to play, right away (sometimes she needs a little boob time in bed first). Leighton had text messaged right before she woke up to see if we could Skype, and so we did, and this time it went really well! Lilly laughed and smiled, showed papa her puzzles and books and other toys, mimicked his sounds and made her own for him to repeat. It felt really good to talk for me too; after this morning I've been feeling so out of it. Talking with my man made me feel more grounded again.

We also got to Skype a little with my Danish friend Kristian after that. He and I met in grad school in Seattle; he's now back in Denmark and has two little girls. We spent last Christmas with him and his family in Gran Canaria.

Then Lilly was done with Skyping, we played for a while with her puzzle works, it was four thirty and I wanted to get dinner ready and done with, especially seeing it's Halloween tonight! I had pasta salad, green salad and some soup. Lilly ate my cherry tomatoes and some more I got out; she was not interested in pasta or cheese or any of the other food.

It was time to change into Lilly's Halloween "costume;" a dress with bloomers and tights that she got from mormor & morfar in June for her one-year birthday. (It was funny to see how snugly it all fit her now! The bloomers used to stick out way down. She's stretching out, for sure.) And some mouse ears I got while I was out in Seattle. She was not happy being changed into her Halloween outfit and so I'm left wondering if it was worth it... We only had two groups of children come by, and Lilly seemed almost afraid of the other (bigger) children. She was getting so tired as well... At one point she went into the bedroom and rested her head on her arm on the bed! But I was really hoping we'd get a visit from my friend Lori and her 5-yr. old son, Sam. But they must either not have made it or arrived after we turned off the light, around 6:45. Lilly fell asleep on my arm with her bamse in her arms, so cute! She still has a bad cough though, and that kept waking her up. And then she woke up as I transferred her head to a pillow. And then again, and again!, when she heard the door as I tried to exit the room as quietly as possible. So it took about 45 minutes for her to fall asleep. Longer than these last few nights, but more like before.

She did have some fun too with Halloween though: I showed her pictures of Minnie online and she kind of got it, who she was supposed to be. She pointed to the TV and wanted to see the DVD we're borrowing from the library with Mickey's Club House where she could also see Minnie. And she did enjoy having her picture taken. And so I include them all, for you, papa, in particular! Next year she'll kind of get it more, you know, and not feel so sick, be so tired, and so intimidated by it all. And we'll all be together. And hopefully none of us will be sick (the sore throat I woke up with feels only worse tonight, and, now that I think of it, you, Leighton, were ill too last year! I remember you came home early from the library as I was heading out for coffee; I had dressed Lilly in a polar bear fleece suit for Halloween).

(Lilly really got a kick out of taking her ears off, and then putting them on again, or trying to do so.)

(And here they go, off! See how short those bloomers and dress have gotten?)

I had bought a value pack at Cub's with candy: 100 pieces of mixed chocolates (Heath bars, Reese's butter cups, Almond Joy, and Whoppers malted milk balls). Seeing we only had five kids stop by, we have lots of chocolate in the house now... (so Leighton: another thing for you to look forward to in terms of coming home to us!).

The moon is out, almost full (full moon on Monday). Tonight we set the clock one hour back.

today I yelled at Lilly

Today I yelled at Lilly, and I feel terrible, so ashamed! It's never happened before and I dread it ever happening again. We had actually had a pretty good morning, she got up with a smile, despite her cough and still some snot, and today I woke up with a sore throat too. But we had a fine time over breakfast, we played, watched Baby Einstein (she's getting so good at identifying and mimicking the sounds of animals! and pointing at her nose and ears etc., repeating "nose" along with the DVD). I sorted laundry, showered, and then it's time for action. Lilly is typically eager to leave the house by 9:30 or 10; today there was no event at the library (because of Halloween), but I figured we'd bundle up for a walk, do an errand downtown.

But then we tried too much at the end: Leighton wanted to Skype at 10, Lilly laughed and waved at him at first, but then got upset when I wouldn't let her bang at the keyboard, and she doesn't like it when we (he and I) talk, she wants it to be with her, too, which of course makes sense! Leighton was reluctant to hang up, he had lots to share and misses his girls (and of course we miss him too!). He was in tears as we hung up, which also makes me feel terrible. But now it was close to 10:20 and Lilly was getting very antsy. So. On with the clothes (this is never fun), it was cold, so I decided we needed to put her boots on. Which were terribly muddy from last weekend at the orchard. So I wanted to clean them real quick. Not to Lilly's agreement. At this point she's crying, screaming, not just whining. I explain, in Norwegian, that I just have to clean her boots real quick and then we'll get going. She points to the door, kicks her legs into the floor, wants out now! And so then I yell, you just have to wait a little bit, and then we'll go out! Of course, she only starts bawling from this. And then I remember that anguish, when my mom yelled at me when I was a child, how the world just stopped making sense at that point.

So I took her in my arms, went into her bedroom, sat and rocked her on the bed, nursed her, lied down with her and nursed her some more. She was soon happy again and excited when I said we'll go out now and her happiness mostly lasted till we were out of the house (interspersed with some spouts of whining as I had to go wash my hands to get the mud of, get my scarf and hat from the closet, etc.)

Then we leave the house, she's so happy walking my purse to the stroller, sits down happily, it's freaking windy and cold, but we're dressed for it. The sun's peeking through. At the coffee shop, our destination to pick up more coffee, it's super crowded, people pressing ahead in line. Lilly wants up, but it goes ok. We leave the shop, she has to squint against the sun in the stroller on the way back, the shade doesn't go down far enough. And then, just as we're two blocks from the house, her head falls to the side, she's falling asleep. This cannot happen!! Then she will not have a nap (she magically has this only one chance to fall asleep for a nap, I don't get it. And she won't be transported to bed from stroller or car seat if she falls asleep there). So I lift her up into my arms and she cries. At this point I feel like the worst mom ever.

We make it to the house and now she's so happy again to be home. I want to see if she can eat some food, some lunch, before she sleeps (this is risky business to try: she hasn't shown much interest in solids lately, though she did eat quite a bit of the tilapia we had for dinner last night--we have fish for dinner every Friday, it's fresh at the Co-op then. But she did actually end up eating quite a bit of cheese and turkey for lunch today and even some orange. Typically she only has fun saying, 'appelsin.' But now she ate it too).

So, then it's time to try and see if she'll sleep. It's noon, she's been going down around 11:30 lately, maybe she missed her window on Thursday, when we had the ladies luncheon here from eleven til one thirty, I don't want that to happen again. She's yawning, so clearly tired. But struggles to surrender to sleep. I leave the room twice in despair. By 12:40 she's sleeping, beautifully, at my breast. She is the most precious child in the world, I just have to kiss her, though I don't want to wake her. I kiss her cheek and stroke her head, she sleeps so peacefully. Our little Lilly, delicate in appearance, yet strong and enduring.

party party party!

So we did end up going to the pumpkin carving party last night after all and we had a blast! I can't believe it, Lilly not having napped all day at all. I had her in her pajamas, in case she'd crash. But she did not! She played and had fun with the other toddlers from five o'clock till after eight while I got to visit with some new people, enjoy the delicious pumpkin curry, and sip on some white whine. Lilly amazed and charmed everyone with her independence and happy mood. The hosts had a small slide that she'd climb up and slide down on, all by herself, after I'd shown her a couple of times how to do it, holding her hand as she climbed the steps. She'd run around with the other children, paint a little (she wasn't too into that, though; she's more into people). Lilly's a social bug who loves a party for sure! My kind of girl.

I was really happy to connect with other new parents with children around the same age, some of them I knew already, some I knew a little bit, some were entirely new to me. It'd be nice if we could continue sharing community like we did last night.

This morning we went over to play with our neighbors' cats and give them more food and water, Lilly stroked and talked to them. Then we watched Baby Einstein Neighborhood Animals; she can name a lot of the animals now, "dog," "babbit" (rabbit), etc. It's a blustery wet but mild day. We're heading over to the library at 10 a.m. and then later in the afternoon we're meet friends at Froggy Bottoms for beer.

Update: Froggy Bottoms is not a child friendly place. Though it was nice to see friends, I did not enjoy myself very much. It's too big of a place with too many unsafe things for Lilly to get into and not easy to keep track of her whereabouts; the booths and high tables and chairs prevent a good visual overview. We were so much happier and relaxed at the Tavern lounge, so we'll go there next time. It's a small contained room without much clutter, and tables and chairs are lower so it's easier to follow Lilly with one's eyes to see where she's at.

a great rainy day

It's 4:30 p.m., and Lilly hasn't had her nap (yet?), but, I'm amazed to say, she's happy -- and has been all day. She had a good night. She needed a little comforting around 9 p.m., then slept till after 2 a.m. Did not need more medication last night and was calm till morning when she got out of bed with a smile! Didn't even have time to go to the potty, just straight to all her toys.

This morning I was busy preparing for my small ladies brunch/lunch, and Lilly was happily playing on her own, studying her books and puzzles, so cute! Same when the ladies were here, she kept playing on her own, just visiting with us every now.

My guests (three strong women that I know through Lakselaget luncheons) arrived around eleven and left around one thirty. Lilly was past her nap time by then, and I thought she'd have an easy time falling asleep, but she either got so wired or happy or I don't know what. Unfortunately, her cold symptoms came back now during the last hour or so (because she's overtired?). Don't think we shall go to the pumpkin carving party at five...

It's been a rainy day; our home is so cozy on days like these!! With candles burning, the warm colors of the furniture and rugs. I love it!

It felt so good to have some adult conversation. We laughed, shared, cried, it was all good, all real. I'd made my usual pasta salad (whole wheat pasta shells, sauteed onion and mushroom, mozarrella cheese, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, kalamate olives, and a sauce made of Greek nonfat yoghurt, mustard, garlic, salt & peper). I'd gotten a baguette from the co-op, served it warm from the oven, crackers and brie for appetizers, with olives stuffed with hot peppers, grapes ... Sorbet for dessert. Sparkling wine. I'm getting hungry for more as I write this! It is getting close to dinner time. And so luckily there are lots of leftovers!

but they say it takes a village

[scenario: "she," a friend of mine, also the wife of "he." She's out of town for a conference, he's home alone with a baby-toddler boy. Following cut & pasted from facebook:]

(he): I don't think I have what it takes.
(other dad): You'd be surprised just how little it really takes.
(he): But sometimes what it takes is not compatible.

(he): I guess I also wonder if I should do whatever it takes.

(she): You DO have what it takes, of course you do!
(he): But they say it takes a village. I have something more like a hut, perhaps a yurt.

This little interchange made me smile, laugh, it's funny, and it's true. Our midwife told us about this research she'd read about, how people who live in shared community live longer. I crave adult contact. Today, the only person I spoke with "live" was my friend Nancy, for a couple of minutes, we dropped by her office, between classes. I can't really count the cashier at Cub's. And Leighton was via Skype.

When Lilly and I were in the park this afternoon, I saw two other "real" people there: the woman with the dog Lilly got to bark back at, and a Carleton student. Both talking on their cells. I was craving conversation with either (though I have no clue who they were), but they were so busy speaking on their cells.

Is this as good as it gets these days? I find myself, now that Leighton is gone, blogging, emailing, Skyping, chatting (online), facebooking, googling, etc., etc., more than when he's around to talk with. And it's not just to "waste" or "spend" time: I'm reaching out.

I think it's a little sad. Because in the morning, I wake up, and I don't feel 'filled' the way I do when I've spent an evening with people in person, unmediated by media. Of course, we're always separate, even when together, words never really bridge all that well, or sometimes they succeed ok. But there's an energy you can experience, without or despite words, when you're sharing space.

While I must confess to being sort of a loner, I also regret the way western culture today reinforces an individualistic form of living. Leighton and I have talked about how when we next move, we need it to be to somewhere we have friends, where we can build a community, a village.

another day goes by

Today we had only one task on our to-do list: grocery shopping for the brunch-lunch tomorrow. So we had lots of time to fill... And so we did! And it was a pretty good day, I must say, though gray and kind of gloomy.

The day begins with the night before, I find, so here goes: Lilly had another rough night last night; I gave her some more medication around 2 a.m., propped her head on a pillow, dabbed some eucalyptus around her nostrils, gave some more boob, tickled her head, and all that seemed to help. Morning went by pretty smoothly: breakfast, some Baby Einstein (while I checked e-mail real quick), shower. Then off to the grocery store, Lilly loves Cub! Funny I boycotted it at first when it came to town. She was happy in the cart for a while, then walked/ran around; she was good about coming along though and of course charms everyone with her big glee as she wanders about like that. She loves carrying the key and getting it into the key hole on the car and house, so that makes exiting fairly easy too.

After Cub, there was still some time before lunch, so we headed up to St. Olaf College to say hi to my friend Nancy in art history. Lilly loves the Dittmann Center as well; fun space to hang out in. I ran into two former great con students of mine, nice to chat with them a little too. They're seniors now.

After that, Lilly was very tired... We headed home for an early lunch while we Skyped with papa (my Leighton). Lilly waved and smiled. Then crashed ten to twelve and slept for a whole three hours! Unfortunately, I don't feel like I was too productive during that time. I kept hearing her cough and was on pins and needles expecting her to wake up anytime. But she slept through it all. And then she was very happy when she woke up! And wanted out after only a little playtime inside (she got shoes on and pointed to the door). So we went to Central park to play at the playground there.

I got cold (should have worn a hat like Lilly) and it was getting close to dinner, so we headed home after 45 minutes or so, against Lilly's will, I'm afraid. But when I told her we should go check on "Eddy" (one of her stuffed animals, a dog; she loves dogs -- she got to visit with a dog at the park and barked back at her...), she got more into being home. She got a little impatient when she realized what would come next (eating); she wanted the food to be done and on the table and for her to sit in her chair by the table. She didn't want any food though, as it turned out. But was happy enough by the table nonetheless. So I had a fairly calm meal... Soup from Lori (thank you Lori!). In addition to the lentil & tomato soup we had yesterday, Lori also had made and brought us some quinoa chowder with potatoes, tofu and kale (I think those must have been the ingredients). I heated it up so it was really warm, which felt so good, and also had some bread, butter, herb mustard, strong cheddar, ham and grapes. Lilly did in fact try both the sandwich and the soup, but mostly played and talked.

I asked if she wanted to "bade" (take a bath) after supper and tonight she was up for it! And she had so much fun in there! Splashing around, playing "opp og ned" (up and down), etc., etc. She did not want to get out, but she got so wired, in the end I had her come out. Which she was fine with. She actually seemed a little cold. She kept yawning too. But was still very wired.

So tonight she did not have such an easy time falling asleep. I also didn't give her any medicine, because the bath cleared her airways a bit and I thought she might be fine. But after a while in bed, she was very congested, kept coughing and sneezing and rubbing her eyes and nose. So I gave her some medicine again, and she fell asleep after that and some more boob, around seven thirty. Tomorrow is the last day we can give her medicine on this round at least (it'll have been ten days, and directions say to stop after that). I hope she'll be feeling better...

Now it's already eight thirty and there are so many things on my to-do list! At the same time I'm tired. Which partly explains my use of time when Lilly napped as well; a little of this, a little of that, hard to focus on one thing or really get into work. I'm reading a little fiction, reading a little for work, analyzing a little film for work, watching a little film for fun. Responding to some emails from friends, writing some that are related to work. This way the time goes by.

home alone with Lilly

Yesterday Leighton left for Norway where he'll spend the next ten days, in Oslo, attending seminars at the Ibsen center, working on his paper, seeing the dentist, visiting with friends, among other. In the meantime, Lilly and I are here at home, on our own. I've been kind of excited about this time, it's sort of an adventure, how well can we do it? And it's nice to know Leighton can have all this time to focus on work and get good sleep at night. So how have we fared so far?

Well, Lilly fell asleep on the way to the airport yesterday, only got about 40 min. of sleep in the car, typically she sleeps a couple of hours, but she seems to only have one precious "falling asleep" quota per day. So she got tired end of the day. I took her for a long stroll in the afternoon, gorgeous fall sunshine weather. Then we stopped at the library (she loves it there, never wants to leave). Home for a quick dinner (heated up some tomato soup from the Co-op, anything else seemed daunting with a tired baby in my arms). Lilly fell asleep at an amazing 18:20, needed some comforting again around 19, slept again from 19:20 and till after I was in bed (which was early, but still...). She's been falling asleep earlier these few days, what with not feeling good and all (she used to fall asleep around eight, eight-thirty, and after 45 minutes of boob. Now it only takes 15 minutes or so). Her nights are not great though. Last night she sounded congested as well, and for a long while would just stare up into the ceiling.

This morning she was happy though. A friend of mine told me she and her husband often find it can actually be easier with just one parent. Their son would just "finne seg i" (live with having) to relate to the style and rhythm of the one parent, and sometimes that makes things easier, she told me. I did found that to be true this morning. Typically, Lilly is very needy in the morning. Today it was as if she realized I had to do certain things like make breakfast and then shower and she was fine with that; plus there was nobody else to ask for attention while I was doing all those things. At lunch too, when she's always tired and ready for her nap, I found it easier without Leighton here because I wasn't also trying to have a conversation with him.

That said, we miss him! Which actually makes me appreciate Lilly's company even more.

After breakfast, we watched a new Baby Einstein DVD that I checked out from the library yesterday. We just *love* their DVDs!! This one was about animals in the neighborhood; Lilly loves dogs and there were lots of them on this one to interact with. We've been watching the da Vinci one for a while; it's about body parts and Lilly has learned from it to say and point to certain body parts, like nose, eyes, mouth.

Then it was time to walk over to the library, fun time for both Lilly and mama. We strolled in the beautiful sunshine. The group was smaller today, which was kind of nice: easier to talk with the adults and get to know each other better.

We had to stop at the Co-op for milk on the way home, Lilly was tired and winy at this point... We Skyped real quick with Leighton when we got home, Oslo is six hours ahead of us now, he was at the university library, tired from a long journey and then a long day at the Ibsen center and the library. His suitcase did not arrive (and he won't get it till tomorrow), so that's unfortunate. And he had a bumpy ride from Minneapolis to Chicago. Otherwise good from there to Stockholm and then Oslo. Lilly waved to the image of him on the screen, very cute!

She napped for an hour and a half after that and I got to work some. Then my dear friend Lori stopped by just as Lilly woke up. Lori had made a couple of batches of soup today and had some for us, knowing it's not easy to cook with just one adult around to tend to a baby. I was *very*grateful for that soup when dinner time came around and I again had to hold a tired baby in my arms while heating up some soup. In between of Lori's visit and that, we'd been out in the gorgeous fall weather again, headed over to the Co-op, picked up some bread for the soup and a few other things, Lilly got to play in the play area at the shop. She didn't want to leave at first, but then got tired. On the way home, she coughed a lot, her nose is very runny now. I can hear her still now, this evening, as she's sleeping, coughing every now and then. I hope she can still get some good rest tonight... I put her head on a pillow to ease with the congestion.

Our good neighbors Dee and Gregg are also gone this week, visiting their daughter in Nicaragua. Lilly and I are looking after their cats, and house. Lilly loves cats, so it was a good distraction to check in on them, add food to their food bowls, pet them a little (though they were rather shy) between dinner and bed time. Lilly hasn't been wanting her bath the last few nights. Just get the teeth brushed, hands washed, and then straight to bed. Again tonight she fell asleep quickly, by 18:20.

I've lit some candles, sipping on a glass of red wine, feeling so tired, but good about the day. Listening for Lilly, hoping she won't get too sick.

We have no plans tomorrow, will go grocery shopping in the morning, if it's nice I'll try to rake some. Lilly likes being out with me doing that. Unless she's too sick, I guess... Thursday I'm having some ladies over for a brunch, then Lilly and I are invited to a pumpkin carving/painting dinner party later that day. Friday we'll go to the library again for an open class (we'll probably go tomorrow and Thursday too, to be around all the fun books and toys, other kids and parents who're there to check things out), and then in we're meeting some friends for a happy hour beer later in the day. Saturday there's also an open class at the library in the morning, and of course we're excited for Halloween to be here and hope lots of kids will stop by in the evening. Sunday there's a Halloween party for preschoolers at Carleton College in the afternoon that we plan on attending.

So, this gives you an impression of our days here, without Leighton. I'll try to work when Lilly naps, catch up on email etc. in the evening. Every other day we'll feed the cats and play with them. If it stays nice, and Lilly's healthy enough, we'll be outside a lot. Or inside playing if not.

attitudes

I was going to post something earlier this week about how everything depends on one's attitude. After a rough end of last week, we had a glorious sunny fall weekend and I woke up Monday to another (final, for now) nice day. I turned to Leighton and said, "last night wasn't so bad, huh?!" And he was like, what do you mean, she was so squirmy all night.

So, it's all about attitude.

Or is it?

Because the day after, it was clear to us, something is going on. A cold, the flu? No: teething. Her corner teeth are coming out, I can feel the swollen bumps, she keeps clenching her mouth, wrapping her lips over her teeth and kind of gnawing, grabbing her mouth with her hand, as if to rip it out, looking at us in agony, crying. Nothing helps. The teething rings, the homeopathic remedies. Still hurts, still can't sleep. So we caved in and got infant tylenol. And she got some rest. It's been five days now, and still no tooth. How much pain is she (and we...) going to have to endure before those darn teeth come through?

On another note, we still got some things done today. It was another spectacular fall day, Leighton cleaned the gutters, Lilly and I went to the library. Nancy Carlson was visiting to talk about her books, lots of parents and children there. For pics., see the library's blog post here. The distraction and getting out was good for Lilly and I. Then she almost fell asleep in the car home, though it was about two hours before her regular nap time. She slept, Leighton packed, I looked through notes.

When she woke up, I felt the day would never end. Leighton tried to Skype with her with his mom and grandparents, not so easy with an unhappy child. They watched Sesame Street. They played. Eventually Leighton went out and played with Lilly while I cooked.

Now she's sleeping and I can breath deeply again, we're trying to recover. Hope to see a DVD. Tomorrow Leighton will pack and Lilly and I will be outs and abouts, plan on going to an orchard for hayrides and more fun. Hopefully.

breathing room

After last week's post/rant: here's an update. The weather was great this weekend. Got outside for some yard work. Lilly was out with Anne on Saturday to rake the the yard and driveway (which was covered with leaves and walnuts). I borrowed our neighbors truck so I could take the yard waste to the compost site. Sunday afternoon after Lilly's nap we went out to rake more leaves and walnuts which just in that short time covered the driveway again. Lilly liked being outside. I cleaned the gutters on the garage and cut down the hostas while she ran around. Our neighbors were out too and Lilly was very impressed by the mower and leaf blower.

Today again we had beautiful weather. After errands and the library, Lilly and I played outside in the yard before lunch. We had just long-sleeved T-shirts (no jackets!): the sun was warm and the air felt healthy against the body and in the lungs.

It was my afternoon to work. I was surprised I could sit inside with such weather, but I felt refreshed from the weekend and morning outside. I felt renewed even. As if it knew -- 'IT' -- that somethings gotta give! Gotta give these people a break with the weather if their going to make it through the winter sane and sound.

Tonight at yoga I felt good, in sync with my practice. We were asked to set an intention. I chose a couple key words: focus and strength. I'm not the best at focusing my mind and body in the space, but I achieved some peace of mind when I found my breath in sync with my body. And I felt the strength in my body as I focused my breath and kept the pace. I felt the warmth in my body--the heat which comes from within.

During relaxation my thoughts turned into a kind of image. Breathing room, I thought. I don't know what this space is for you, where you might find it, if at all, but I felt it in my body. Though this would typically be considered space around the body. I felt it and I took a few big breaths, metaphorically speaking.

This reminds me of a quote I heard about parenting which went something like, "Parenting is the hardest job and it's given to amateurs." I think of this when I need a little breathing room, when I'm feeling a little shitty about being a bad dad or whatever. I tell myself it's OK to make mistakes; be the best dad I can be, which is the best I can do.

And when I'm feeling like I was last week--in a real funk over the weather--I need to remember to give myself a little breathing room, because the weather won't always do it for me, like today. Though I'm grateful for all the help I can get.

Lastly, I want to say something about yoga. It seems like I've been writing more and more about this. Since we've been back in the States, Anne and I have been going to yoga twice a week. Not only is this good 'I' time--alone, away from Anne and Lilly--it's feels like a good way to re-center my self. I'm not the best at doing this, like I suggest above: I don't often have much focus or peace of mind. (Sometimes I even get bored with the physical activity.) Although my thoughts are often outside the space and more often than not still 'at work' I do feel that yoga gives me some breathing room. I store this in my body. I take this with me. It's there when I need it and I can look forward to more every week.

when the going gets tough

Let's face it: Leighton and I have been struggling with our roles as parents lately. It all came to a top these past couple of days. While Lilly is taking on new tasks every day (she's getting quite good with the puzzle works we got from Lori, leafing through pages & studying pictures in books we also got from Lori and then a stack from Marte--thank you both!, she's understanding tons of words and will got and get things we ask her for, like a book, a doll, a teddy bear, a cup, a spoon, her potty, etc., she's also saying many more days every day (including "bæsje, appelsin, bade" = poop, orange, bathe) and can mimic and connect animal sounds with pictures of animals, she's beginning to identify different body parts--like nose, mouth, eyes, arranging her little kitchen bench, gathering things in her little bag, emptying and filling it, etc., etc.), Leighton and I are struggling not to get bored while we're with her. We both prefer the library events M, Tu, F morning because then we get to interact with other parents while the kids play. W and Th are hard. You'd think we could manage just a couple of days to ourselves, but the hours get long.

So we began contemplating a nanny those two mornings.

But we can't afford it.

Which sucks.

We really look forward to having grandma Julie here, Leighton's mom. She'll be here for a week once Leighton returns from Norway. He'll be gone Oct. 26 - Nov. 5, then she arrives on the 7th. Julie's told us she looks forward to some bonding time with Lilly, and has also told us repeatedly to take advantage of her while she is here. We would really like to go out for dinner, just the two of us (Leighton and I) one night and will try to do that. We still haven't had a date like that. Only in January did my friend Helene stroll Lilly in the park one Sunday while we had lunch nearby. And then in June my friend Hege came over one evening and Leighton and I went out for some beer next door while Lilly slept. (Thanks, all you three!!)

I'm beginning to see why people like daycares. But we do feel it's best for Lilly to be with us till she's at last two (we were thinking three). Or, if we could afford it, another adult person that she could get attached to. I was reading how during the first couple of years, building attachment to a few adults (including parents, but not limited to) is of the utmost importance. My fear is that in daycares (unless it's small and with qualified staff) they don't get that.

Another thing that makes parenting a pain for me at times, is that I'm still the one who puts her down, seeing she likes the comfort of the boob and we don't want to try the cry it out method, or the Ferber-method (where the child also cries it out but learns to self-sooth). For some reason, it's taking Lilly a really long time to settle down for sleep, even when she's really tired. Typically, it takes around 45 min. to an hour, both for her afternoon nap and at night. That's a lot of time when to lie down with her, when you're eager to get other things done.

I try to think of it as bonding time with her, I do love the cuddling, and she is awfully sweet, especially when she falls asleep partly draping my body, or at least a foot on my hip. It's a drag when she's squirmy, kicks me, pulls on the boob and my hair.

On a lucky night, she's sleeping by 8 p.m. and Leighton and I get some time to do some of the things that accumulate in a house, study, read, and write some, maybe blog a little, or respond to some emails.

Many nights it's more like 8:30 or later, but she almost never goes later than 8:45.

She'll then sleep till midnight or so, though often she'll wake earlier, and need comfort, typically by me. And typically she won't let go of me then. The other night, when I blogged the below post, she woke up right as I was finishing it up, and wanted me. Many nights I surrender, don't get to brush my teeth or wash my face, I just lie there with her (because she won't let me get up again). But that night, I refused. I took her with me into the living room while I finished some things. And then we joined Leighton in bed around midnight.

But on a good night she sleeps from 8 till midnight, then she nurses, and then she nurses again at around 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. and around 6 a.m. or 6:30 a.m., and then we get up for breakfast. She naps from around 1:30 p.m. and for a couple of hours.

Recently, however, she's been nursing every hour at night, from midnight till morning. I think maybe she's teething? Or could it be all our moving around? Is she clinging to me as the world is changing constantly for her, now that she's developing at such an exponential rate as well?

Who knows. But it's best to surrender to it, have no ambitions, be thankful for the nights that are easier.

And for days like today. It's a gorgeous fall day. After lots of dark, rainy, cold days, we had some snow, even, today is sunny, fall colors radiant orange, deep yellow, rusty red. After yoga this morning, I raked with Lilly playing around. Then we went for a stroll down to the park, along the river, and by the "Used a bit shoppe" where Lilly picked out a doll. She was so proud of it, walked out the store with it in her arms, and since Rita, the doll we got from our Greek friend Irini in Apollonas this summer, is falling apart, I figured ... And it was only a buck. And Lilly's maternal instinct is blossoming these days, it seems. She loves the dolls in the library too. While she still really likes stuffed animals.


(Northfield, by the river)

After our stroll downtown, we walked home for lunch together, she was playing happily with her kitchen things while I finished eating, and then we lied down for her nap, and there she is now. I imagine we have another half hour to sit here with our computers, Leighton and I, before she wakes up. Leighton might clean the gutters, or wait till tomorrow. While Lilly and I were raking and out and about this morning, he was busy taking boxes with stuff from the office I had at St. Olaf College to the recycling dumpster, and while I was putting Lilly down, he took Greg's truck with our leaves to the compost ground. So now his back is hurting, my man struggles with a bad back. It's hard.

So hopefully weather will be good for yard work tomorrow too.

We also really look forward to visiting with Rachel, our midwife, tomorrow morning. I'm baking an apple cake later today or early tomorrow morning on that occasion.

That's it for now. I leave you with this video that I was watching thinking about Thursday and Friday night, when I felt that the going was getting tough. It made me feel a little better.

and the days go by...

While I can't muster the anger Leighton expresses below, I too feel the strike of fall. The all too sudden cold and darkness. The lack of energy. A heaviness in the body.

In the meantime, life goes on. Today, Lilly turned 16 months! Such a big girl. Thursdays I'm with her in the morning while Leighton works in the library. We went about our day as usual. After breakfast, Lilly likes getting ready with me in the bathroom. Then outside to rake some leaves and walnuts while it was sleeting (Lilly was very happy stomping around, sporting her new boots and raincoat) before a few errands: the grocery store for some cheese, meat, and grapes for our lunch sandwiches, the bakery for some yummy seeds & nuts bread, the liquor store for some dark beer, for some evening comfort. Around 10 a.m. we arrived at the library, Lilly's favorite daily activity, though she was a little disappointed to see the meeting room closed where on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays there are activities for children her age. But she's happy in the children's area in the main area of the library as well where there are also some toys and books for children her age in a designated (quite nice) area. I think I was the one who ended up missing the organized activity in the library's meeting room the most, because during those times I get to visit with a few adults (parents of the other children) that we're sort of building a relationship or community with. (That said, Lilly did go by the door to the meeting room one final time on our way out, as she had on our way in.)

Home for lunch, we're both happy to see Leighton again. Then I worked for an hour in the basement before putting Lilly to bed for her afternoon nap, which also took about an hour (like me, Lilly struggles to find sleep). But finally, when she's let go of the day's activities to rest a little, she sleeps a good couple of hours. After that, we have dinner, and then on Mondays and Thursdays it's Leighton's turn to go to yoga while I give Lilly a bath (Tuesdays I go for a walk and Wednesdays I go to yoga).

And so it was. And now Lilly is sleeping while Leighton and I are out here, in the living room, with candles burning, each of us with a Mac in our laps, each of us savoring a New Belgium "1554 Enlightened Black Ale." Each of us wishing we had a little bit more time to ourselves. And to each other.

shaking my fist at the sky

Fall came too suddenly this year. The signs outside point to this: with the branches and leaves having fallen from the trees into sad piles or covering the yard, for example, alive and green, left for dead. I feel it in my body too. As if off and running fully charged from summer vacation I tripped just a few yards out; my head and shoulders and chest thrown forward, sending me face first with all my momentum into the cold and damp ground; into a patch of slushy snow, no less (which is out there, to be sure). My mood feels just about the same. I'm in a funk. These last few days, while all else is as it should be, every day living, and all, something is off. I cannot concentrate. I cannot let go. Tonight at yoga I was so not into it. I felt this too when I walked out the door and up the stairs, into the dark, cold October night: I wanted to shake my fist at the sky! I thought about not too long ago when I could walk out and up from my practice and see the sun just starting to set; feel the air, still warm from the late-summer day; and breathe it all in. That's gone. And too suddenly. At least I have my two lovelies to come home to.

it can be different today

It was cold today and definitely a fall feeling when I was out mowing. I especially felt it this morning as I rode my bike to the library. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my mornings to work at the library: reading and writing for my master's program papers and thesis. On those days I spend the afternoons with Lilly. Thus today was my afternoon with Lilly.

This is my schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I spend the mornings with Lilly and work in the afternoons. Anne has the opposite schedule. Weekends are designated family days.

However, Lilly's nap time is usually between 1 and 2:30. So on Tuesdays and Thursdays if Lilly isn't napping by 1 when Anne is scheduled to begin her afternoons to work, then we have a couple options. Lilly can nap later in the Bobber, in which case she only naps for 45 mins or so rather than her usual 2+ hrs in bed. Or Anne can stay home and put Lilly down for her nap (in which case Lilly usually falls asleep between 1 and 3) and sacrifice some of her work time, working when Lilly is napping, then moving into the bedroom or basement to work when Lilly wakes up and it's time to play and make dinner. (Today I tried putting Lilly down for her nap with the bottle but this didn't work: whether she was too wired, over-tired (or both), or if the light was too bright shining through the shades, I don't know.)

Today Lilly napped from 2:30-4. Anne stayed home and worked the first hour in the bedroom. By 2 Lilly was tired but still she couldn't sleep without Anne.

When Lilly woke up Anne said she herself was tired, that she could be with Lilly and make dinner if I would mow (which I've been meaning to get around to). I said hesitantly, "But it's my afternoon with Lilly. And I'm going to make dinner." Anne in return replied, "It can be different today." That's the short of it.

Without going into all the details, let me just finish by saying this. We don't live by schedules. Though it is (at least we have found it to be) a somewhat easier to navigate our days with Lilly when we have a schedule in mind, because it puts us at ease to know that if we're having a bit of a struggle whenever: then at such and such time somethings gotta change. Whether we need a break from Lilly, or from work, or if the morning is dragging on or the slow afternoon is putting us in a funk, we know that the clock is there to help us count it down.

But we don't live by schedules. Sometimes it's good to say, "It can be different today." I was thinking about this at yoga tonight. I was trying to find peace in my practice and in that simple phrase. Because in life like in yoga, you feel where your practice is that day; and you work with it.

life with Lilly

I love this picture, I've set it as my desktop background. Lilly looks like a little thief: the striped shirt, the profile, the "caught with her hand in the cookie jar" look, without the telling, knowing look on her face. She wasn't doing anything, really, just playing with the cables behind the entertainment center; I was trying to get a portrait shot of her when she turned to grab the cables like the curious, wants-everything girl she is. Plus the picture shows off her beautifully-shaped head, which looked just the same the second she came out into this world; her cheeks and chin and nose, too, aren't they cute.

I love my daughter, though a times she can be trying. She has her phases. But I figure it's me that needs to shape up and be a better papa, those times I feel a twitch of grumpiness fluttering up through my chest, coming to rest in tense knots on my shoulders and neck.

Now she loves to play at this and that: so long as we play with her. It's the impression. She does play on her own quite often, runs off into the other room with her sack full of goodies and her box or whatever new toy she's found. But when she does want you to play with her you have to do it her way and be fully attentive, not off on some daydream about that book you've been meaning to write, or that thesis you better damn well get around to. If you aren't nearly 100 percent, she'll call you on it. Then she gets grumpy or looses interest in any one activity after a second or two: she wants the computer, the keys, the wallet, a pen; she wants to watch her DVD or play with the photo magnets on the fridge or dump her water on the ground so she can wipe it up dry.

Sometimes I feel like it's a lot. To be at that level for four hours, say, it's hard to keep my head in it. But I always get sentimental (after the grumpy, tense part) and think about how it's all the time I've got with her and I better make the most of it; she's going soon, or worse, she's already gone and she wants nothing to do with me. I can't get enough of her. Give me Lilly 24/7, I think, it'll be the best thing I do all day.

It's OK to be bored. It's not always meant to be fun: as I've said, it's trying, tense; it's up sometimes, and other times it's down. It's gonna be that way. It's everything I could want and more, if I just "be" there with her, be there with her and feel life chugging at its long choo-choo ride: across the plains and the mountains, the expanse bridge across the gully below; through the rundown town in the middle of nowhere, the busy city, industrial rail yard, wherever; underneath the ocean and out again on the other side, we come to this place where the sun-filled sky colors the green grass on a mound of earth, I stand there with my daughter at my side--she's always that small, always that big--just the right size so I can rest my palm on her crown of baby soft hair, as we look out together at the rest of that beautiful life in front of us, surrounding us. I'm OK with the occasional boredom. And I can order a massage. Sure I'll get gray hairs, and in fact I already have. It's all what I'm in for, and I'll take it one day at a time, at a time, for as long as I can.

Enough of that rant, you say, give us more pictures and be done with it. Granted. I leave you with this: our precious Lilly, during her favorite pre-bedtime ritual--tonight she even said it, bade, a look of pure delight--bathtime!