unntakstilstand

In Norwegian, we have this term, "unntakstilstand." I can't think of an English equivalent (anybody want to suggest something?). Literally it means "state of exception." In the US, more drastic terms like "national state of disaster" or "emergency" are used.

Anyways. We're in the midst of one. Lilly woke up with a cold Christmas eve. After a couple of hours of childish grieving for the Christmas party we were supposed to have with our friends, Leighton and I pulled ourselves together, for the sake of Lilly and ourselves, and had a quite nice Christmas eve at our house, just the three of us. But then the days got long. Having to quarantine Lilly. And then the weather had us down and homebound too with snow, slush, and icy conditions. Then Leighton got sick too.

So now we all have rough nights, Lilly and Leighton because they're sick, I because I'm busy nursing and comforting Lilly. Last night, Lilly was awake from one a.m. till about four, coughing constantly. Around three, I finally was able to get some cough syrup down her throat, pour girl. And then she eventually settled down. Leighton was trying to sleep in the other room, having hard enough of a time on his own.

So we were quite the threesome when we met up for breakfast this morning, the three of us. That's when "unntakstilstand" enters. You're so crazy tired (all of us) and sick (Leighton and Lilly) or on the verge of getting sick (me), that you just crack up and get a little silly. The day just felt out of the ordinary (it must be, right???!!!), so you change things up. I got Lilly and I dressed quickly so we could drive our sick hubby/papa to the library this morning so he didn't need to walk there in this freakin' cold weather we're having now (which, by the way, looks absolutely stunning with blue sky, sunshine, moon still out, snow covered fields). Then we did our various errands. In and out of the car seat, me so tired I feel drugged, Lilly silly tired too, just lounging in her car seat, giggling when I take her in and out of it, gazing amusedly at the various things on the shelves in the stores. When she's like this, she loves cruising down isles in the cart, first the drug store, then the grocery store. Everything is just kind of like on a spin.

At home again, we settle down, I do the dishes, it's still only about 10 a.m. At the grocery store, I've picked up a copy of In Style, a fashion magazine. Haven't purchased a magazine like that in years. But today is different, we need to look at some glamour, feel that there's freshness and style out there (for by now I haven't showered in days). Lilly sits contently on my lap as we leaf through the magazine. Somehow it gets to be lunch time, and then after that I am, lo and behold!, able to put her down for a nap. Glory (and rest! if not sleep) to all.

Then Leighton's with her in the afternoon, I try to work a little in the study, they watch some Baby Einstein, listen to music and dance, read books, play with the new train, try to play with the play-doh, papa makes dinner. I work at home so Lilly has access to the boob every now and then; it's more urgently needed on a day like today.

This is our life. So goes another day. We have our dinner, which always involves teasing at least some food into Lilly, playing with food, water, cleaning up, running around, she wants to play. Then we (one of us) do play some with her while the other does the dishes. The one who's with her gives her a bath. Then it's time to brush teeth, settle down. And go to bed. Which I have the honor of accompanying her to do, seeing it's what she prefers. And it can be hard, a long hour of sucking and squirming and up and down and agony. Tonight was intense. But here I am now, on the couch, the Christmas tree all lit up, candles burning on the mantle piece, Leighton next to me. And I'm so ready to sleep... But first I want to savor this very moment. And the one below.

our christmas

Our Christmas turned out differently than planned; Lilly woke up with a nasty cold and so we had to cancel our plans with our friends. After shoveling and blowing snow all morning, Leighton took a bath with Lilly after lunch, which helped relieve some of her congestion. Then we kept her entertained for a while opening presents. And then we had some of the yummy meat balls and garlic mashed potatoes our friends had brought us (thank you!). With her congestion and not feeling well, Lilly's not been able to sleep well, neither during the day nor at night. She gets her best rest at night propped on my arm, snuggled up close to me.

Christmas day we played with Lilly's new toys (books, dvds, frosty, train set, puzzle, clothes, and more), went for a walk (in the wet snow/rain) so Lilly could get some rest in the stroller. That night she finally fell asleep in my arms while we were watching a movie (she would not go down any earlier.) Second day of Christmas we headed up to the mall (so Lilly could get some rest in the car...). Today she was finally able to nap in our bed again, for a good hour and a half. But it was still a long day... With all its precious moments too, of course. It's just hard seeing our girl so sick and tired, and now Leighton's gotten down with the cold too.

merry christmas! god jul!

                                                                
Tonight is "lille julaften" or "little Christmas eve," the night we'd always decorate the tree in Norway. We cheated and did it last Saturday instead. Lilly is mesmerized by it. By now, we've cleaned the house, written cards (sorry; those going overseas will be a bit late), wrapped presents, and stocked up on food and drink. We'll be celebrating Norwegian style with our friends Amanda and Matt (who's of Norwegian heritage) and their son Avery who's two and a half. Lilly and Avery play pretty well together now, so it should be fun for all! Since their house is bigger, we're having the party at their house. Amanda has already blogged about how excited (?!) she is to be cooking a  pork roast for the first time in her life (not to mention it being a Norwegian style one, "ribbe"!). We'll have all the traditional sides: the meat balls Matt grew up with, surkål (sour kraut that Amanda made this fall), brussel sprouts, lingonberry jam, potatoes, gravy, salad. Christmas ale and Linie akevitt to help the "ribbe" go down. And a berry cream (can't find multer here so I'll use a mix of red berries instead) with krumkaker for dessert (homemade by another friend of mine in town). Seven different kinds of cookies with coffee. But we don't get to indulge in those till we've sung seven different kinds of carols and danced around the tree after dessert. And then Santa may come with some presents for the children...

I feel so blessed to have our home, our friends, our child during this holiday season. Christmas is filled with so much nostalgia, such a sense of wonder, but also with wounds. Lilly puts a new spin on everything, her joy is a marvel to me!
And, to top it all off: it'll be a very white Christmas! We've already received lots of snow and now we're in the midst of a snow storm! Could be tricky to get even from here to Amanda and Matt's, but we'll make it!

Leighton and I also look forward to some quiet time at the house. Last year we had Christmas in Gran Canaria / Oslo, this year we're in Northfield, Minnesota. We've both submitted the written work that was due by end of this year. Since we got here in September, we've taken turns heading over to the Carleton College library in town to write (you can see us there in the above picture). Lilly's been at the City library almost every day for "classes" there: reading books, singing songs, playing with other children her age.

dancing queen

Today our little dancing queen turned a BIG 18 mos–that's one and a half years, y'all! Here's a video of our BIG little girl, dancing and dancing and dancing!


(Video: Dec 14, 2009)

winter wonderland

Last night was kind of rough; Lilly's teething again and couldn't find comfort. So she sucked all she could on my boobs, so frustrated when they couldn't give her the soothing she craved. Poor baby. Poor mama. We were both so tired this morning. But then Leighton pointed out: it's snowing outside! First snow is always magic that way (we did get some one day, early in October, but it can't count, it melted right away and we've had balmy fall days since). Today was winter. For real. And Lilly was mesmerized. Her home setting slowly changing. Leighton left for the library around eight, while Lilly and I kept admiring the the snow falling from inside. I think Leighton felt a bit sorry for me this morning though. He suggested we watch a movie and just relax (I had planned to do some errands up in the city). I sometimes feel it's easier to just push through and do things when I'm really tired, but today, all Lilly wanted to do was to hug, snuggle, sit on my lap, play puzzles in my lap, read in my lap, snuggle more, and suck on the boob, every 30 minutes or so. So in the end I dimmed the lights, lit some candles, and put on Frosty the snow man. She got the DVD from grandma Julie when she came out to visit last month and they watched it quite a bit, but I've never seen it yet. Lilly loves music, so Julie thought she'd enjoy it. And apparently she does! As Frosty counts his finger, Lilly mimicked with her hand. When the children danced around Frosty, Lilly danced too. When the children all joined in a parade to take Frosty to the train station so he could get a ride to the north pole before he'd melt away, she stomped her feet along with them. I couldn't help but choke up, and then Lilly looked at me a little unsettled. But we both laughed when Santa came to the rescue in the end and got Frosty to the north pole while assuring us that every Christmas, he'll be back. Phew.


I guess I'm just feeling kind of emotional these days. Some hormonal mess-me-up? Or is that even more wishful thinking? That my body is kicking into ovulation gear? I'd wish. But these last couple of days, I've suddenly been grieving the unconceived child (that I just the other day felt just fine about). The conception of Lilly was a miracle (it always is, but, you know, with Lilly, I'd just been told I couldn't conceive naturally, which was the story I'd been told since I was eighteen). So how could I, now at the age of 36, ever conceive naturally again. On top of being painfully tired (from parenting), while very happy (from parenting), I find myself wishing for more (parenting). Now, this must be hormonal, yes?

But I was going to tell you more about today. I had to do at least one errand for tonight's dinner. And just to get outside. And Lilly just stood there, taking in the snow. The magic. Frosty! There was snow in Wyoming too and she saw it there over Thanksgiving break (check out our Casper mountain album if you haven't already). But maybe because then the snow had all already settled on the ground. Maybe because of the fierce winds, she just wasn't that into it. But today she just kept watching it falling, she stepped and kicked around in it, dabbed her glove into it, tasted it. It was simply precious to watch. We'll get lots of use of that new snowsuit now!

(Left: Lilly in her new snowsuit, from grandpa and grandma Cheryl, out in Casper, Wyoming, over Thanksgiving break.
Right: Lilly at the airport, in Denver, on our way to Casper. Her look catches the wonder she expressed when she saw snow today.)

Three weeks till Christmas eve today. After watching Frosty, I put on some Bing Crosby Christmas carols while we got ready to head out for the store. As I walked home this afternoon from the library, torches were lit up along the sidewalks downtown for the annual winter walk, children waiting on Bridge square for Santa to appear. I passed by some friends and had a little visit, felt rich and privileged.

It's a magical season.

But one troubled with memories too.

bitching mama

             I like to vent, air out those things that bug me. After that, I’m good. At least for a while. I used to bitch a lot about my academic position: the long work hours, the petty politics during departmental meetings, committee meetings, faculty meetings (and oh, there were more meetings). The students who didn’t do the work, or the students who did do their work, but who were unwilling to open their minds. Most of all, I bitched about the lack of time for my own research and writing; I was supposed to have a third for each: teaching, scholarship, and administrative work. Instead, I put in 150% on teaching, at least 75% on administrative work, leaving no time for what I in the end was dying to do, even with 70 work hours per week.

            I bitch a lot now too that I’m a mama slash freelance writer, working non-stop from at home or the library. But unlike when I bitched about my academic job, I now get tons of unsolicited advice and unwelcome critical questions and glances. You’re still breastfeeding? You’re still sleeping with your child? You spend an entire hour putting her down for sleep at night, and also often for her nap? You don’t let her cry? You haven’t vaccinated her? You haven’t had a date yet? (Our daughter was almost a year and a half by the time we had our first and so far only real evening date, when my husband’s mom came out to visit for a week). I could go on and on.

            The general gist is that people seem to think we give too much, sacrifice ourselves too much, and all for our baby. At the same time, however, they comment on how safe and content our daughter strikes them to be, so happy and interested in others. I like to think our parenting style has something to do with that. Sure, we give tons. Yet we could give more. I can still and do often feel guilty. Especially when I feel annoyed and irritated by the time it takes me to calm her down for nap and bedtime (because she still needs me for that. But then on the other hand, that’s precious bonding time for the two of us). All the nighttime parenting, which reads as follows: her sucking and biting on my boob, frustrated when it doesn’t completely soothe the teething pain, climbing and punching and squeezing my body, me not able to go to the bathroom, for if I leave the bed, she’ll cry. Or, I get out of bed and go pee with her in my lap, as I pee, and wipe myself. This all is interspersed, of course, with very dear hugs, kisses, strokes and cuddling. There are even times when she does play with my hair quite tenderly, instead of pulling so hard I think I’ll get another bold spot.

And that’s when I bitch (when I think I’ll go bald, I mean, or at least grey). But it doesn’t mean I want anything differently. As opposed to when I bitched about my academic position. That job I was really unhappy with. This job I love to death. Even when I bitch the most about it.

            This seems a difficult thing to get for many. And I just can’t quite get why. Because it seems to be something we all do: bitch and vent before we go on, without changing or necessarily wanting to change the way we do things.

            I just think it’s kind of interesting. To observe. That’s all.

dreaming

We returned late last night from a very nice Thanksgiving break out in Wyoming. It was a long day of traveling, but even on 4 hours of sleep (on me), it went quite well. Lilly's such a great traveler. And we all got a good night of rest last night in our own comfy bed. Lilly woke up so happy to be home again; I think we all were. It's that Norwegian saying, borte bra, hjemme best (good to be away, best to be home).

Today started out with great expectations: I've gained, uhm, a few pounds lately and have been feeling some nausea. So this morning I took a pregnancy test. Negative. Turns out the extra pounds and the nausea are caused by a little too much good food lately. Of course, I haven't yet had a period yet since before I was pregnant with Lilly. What with all the frequent nursing still, that all makes sense. But we got a little excited about the possible family expansion. As I said to Leighton yesterday; we can't be that exhausted if we're still excited about the possibility of that!

Anyway, it was nice to be back in the library, working, and then as the day went on, I got to thinking that the best scenario, if we could plan these things, would be to get pregnant after we're back in Norway and I'm done with my book and the promotion of it, and onto the next one (which I'd like to be on parenting/mothering). So ideally next fall or winter sometime. By then we'd also maybe like to have Lilly in barnehage (preschool), which would allow both Leighton and I time for part time jobs as well, while also giving us time to write. Of course, you can't plan for things like these. Especially when you've already been told, like I was, that you can't conceive naturally. But we can hope. So we'll do that. Dream and hope. And enjoy what we have.

the nursing relationship, part II

When the going gets tough, I find comfort in sharing the truth. When I can name the worst of what's going on for me, I don't need to worry some inner tsunami will build up, erupt and wash me away. When I hear the truth of others, I feel we're not in such bad shape after all; we all struggle. At least, we're not the only ones who can say or do things we later find excruciatingly childish, hurtful, and embarrassing. So this past weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon skyping for two hours with a friend in Oslo, and then Sunday I went for a morning walk with a friend in town and then later we all went over to their house in the afternoon. It was a weekend of sharing, talking, crying, and laughing. It was a good weekend for us.

But, we're still painfully tired, at least Leighton and I; Lilly's her same chirpy and energized self, rising well before the sun. Then she also gets a lot of comfort at home base to kick off from. -- The nighttime weaning is going so-so: the second night went even better than the first; when Lilly wanted boob around 2 a.m., I told her the boob's asleep and she lied down again to sleep right away. The third night I forgot and, half-asleep, gave her the boob when she grabbed for it. Fourth night it seemed silly to stick to the time limits I'd decided upon. And last night she started crying when I said the boob's asleep. And I can't deal with that. Our friends suggested we react too strongly to Lilly's crying, maybe projecting our own wounded childhood memories of crying onto her. That all crying isn't necessarily coming from an unsafe hurtful place. That it can also be a way of venting, showing disapproval. There could be some truth to that. But we are who we are and need to work from that. Eventually last night, Leighton took her into the other bedroom, and last night she did find comfort in sleeping with him, in the nook of his arm, snuggled close to his body.

So as to avoid too drawn out of a thing before nap and nighttime, Lilly's (for) now on a late nap and late bedtime "schedule," with a lot of nighttime nursing, and a lot of daytime nursing and cuddling too. Someday we'll miss this, I know. Often I embrace this time to be so close, so needed, wanted, to be able to give her what makes her happy and feel safe. Other times, I bitch about it, feel stuck, un-free. Leighton asked me the other day, how I can be so angry sometimes over a decision I've chosen myself. It's an interesting question. For me, I think it has to do with the fact that it doesn't feel quite like a free choice. I'm not simply myself anymore, I'm also hers. So it's not really just my decision.

We're really looking forward to Thanksgiving break, which we'll be spending in Casper mountain, Wyoming, with Leighton's dad and his family, at a Bed & Breakfast lodge called Sunburst lodge. We're leaving tomorrow morning, back late Sunday night. I look forward to hanging out with family, soaking in the hot tub, walking in the mountains, - and Lilly will just love it! Being the socialite that she is. So the days will be fun for her, and thus also for us.

socializing

Wednesday night Leighton and I finally got our date night. Except for a lunch out in January when my friend Helene took Lilly for a stroll in a nearby park, and one late evening in June when our friend Hege came over and we went out for a couple of late night beers (Lilly didn't go down till nine or so that evening), Leighton and I haven't had a real date yet. So this week when Leighton's mom was here, we really wanted to have a night out. We tried Tuesday; no luck. Lilly did not want to go to bed and by the time she did, it was too late for us to go out. Wednesday she fell asleep by 6:55 p.m; we were out of the door by 7:10 p.m. We went to the Indian restaurant Chapati, our favorite restaurant in town. We had vowed to eat slowly, to really enjoy not having to down the food as fast as possible. However, we were both really hungry, and so we didn't manage to eat too slowly, but we still really enjoyed eating uninterruptedly and while the food was still warm! We were done by 9 p.m., and seeing all seemed calm on the home front, we went over to the Contented Cow, a pub owned by the same British guy who owns Chapati, and had a drink there by the fireplace. We struck up a conversation with a nice elderly man who sat there, talked a lot about Lilly ... And ourselves. Shared stories. It was really nice.

Then last night I had my first sleepover since June, when I had my very first night away from Lilly when Hege and I headed over to her mom's empty apartment for the night with a kilo of shrimp, a couple of baguettes, some cava and white wine. Yesterday afternoon I headed up to Saint Paul for a ladies' night out: tiny bubbles and appetizers at my friend Stephanie's house in the Cathedral Hill neighborhood, dinner after that at La Grolla's around the corner on Selby (I had a delicious seafood pasta dish and some of that velvety petit syrah we shared), and then the four of us finished off the evening back at the house with more red wine and chocolate cake from Cafe Latte. This morning I met another friend at Nina's Coffee Cafe on top of Garrison Keillor's bookstore, Common Good Books.

It was so lovely to have this time to visit with friends, to be out and about in town and city, soak in some of the flair of urban living.

And then it's so good to come home after that. On my way home, I stopped by Cafe Latte for some yummy organic ten grain bread and Trader Joe's to stock up on affordable wholesome groceries, got back to the house at a quarter till noon, just in for lunch. Lilly was so wound up, we were so excited to see each other again, she didn't go down for a nap till 2:45 p.m.

the things you got to have

if you're Lilly, include:

• a chair

We really started noticing this in Greece over the summer; how Lilly would walk around and then want to sit down somewhere suitable. She'd sit on the lowest step of the stairs, she'd try sitting on some of her toys, all the furniture was too tall for her. At the airport in Athens, it was her urge to sit that caused the big accident: she sat down on a low railing, tipped back and hit the back of her head on the edge of a window frame, causing a deep cut, an ambulance ride, and lots of agony and crying; she still has a scab and a small bump (and this happened end of August!). She's been searching for things to sit or or in at the house too: she'll crawl up into her little "kitchen counter" that we got for her in the Used a bit Shoppe, she'll drag her potty into the living room and sit on it, she'll sit on the low shelves at the ends of our coffee table. Again she'll sit on her toys.

So finally, last week, I got a couple of outdoors plastic children chairs, $1 each; she loves them! She'll sit on them, haul them around, climb on them, place her baby dolls and stuffed animals in them ...


(Lilly also loves computers; grandma Julie brought her an old keyboard to play with; a big success.)

• a stroller
  

Seeing how Lilly pushes her chair around as if it were a stroller, and she's also done the same to her kitchen counter and the basket she has for her toys, it became clear she also would love to have a stroller. When we visited some friends in town earlier this fall that had a baby doll stroller for their child, Lilly just loved pushing it around. Yesterday grandma Julie got Lilly a stroller and a little doll (so now Lilly has three little babies to take care of! Her maternal instinct is blossoming... She'll feed her babies, bathe them, stroll them, you name it. Bamse also gets to ride in the stroller, as do some of her other stuffed animals).


(As you can see, she also loves carrying mama's purse; she has a purse of her own, but the real thing is so much more fun... In her purse she carries a set of plastic keys, a plastic cell phone, and now also a real cell phone (with no service but lots of bling), courtesy grandma Julie.)

• Shoes:
  

I wonder if Lilly will develop some sort of shoe fetish: since she started walking, she's been loving shoes. I think because to her they represent the opportunity to walk and explore, preferably outside. In Greece this summer, we got her a cheap pair of light pink sandals. Then some nice dark pink suede ones when we got back to the US. She's also got a pair of white winter boots now, and a set of pink "My little pony" slipper-shoe-boots that she got from mormor and morfar in Norway. She even has a set of pink UGG booties that she got as a gift. On her big shopping spree for Lilly, grandma Julie added on to Lilly's shoe collection with a pair of black converse. Our cool little babe.


(Lilly's shoes on the shoe mat we all used to share, by the kitchen door entrance, next to her kitchen counter. Missing are a pair of green slippers she already outgrew/wore out.)

• Books

Lilly's gotten so into books this fall, perhaps because we go to the library so often, or she's just reached that point. Here she is with the big book she got from Marte. She also loves her new Halloween book that she got from granddaddy and grandma Cheryl: it makes a scary laugh at the end, which Lilly loves to mimic.

in the nick of time

Turns out Leighton got home just in the nick of time; I was feeling really tired Friday morning, as was Lilly. Impossible to recover from a cold when also taking care of a sick baby whose nights are interrupted by coughing fits. These last couple of mornings I've been getting some rest in the morning while Leighton's with Lilly. This morning his mom was also here with her (she got in late last night): I can see while some like generational homes. It's really helpful to have another adult here to play with Lilly and help take care of her. It's a mild sunny day and we're all heading to the park now to play at the playground.

last day just Lilly and mama

It'll have been two (work) weeks that it's been just Lilly and I when Leighton gets back tomorrow, Friday (he left on a Monday, two weeks ago this coming Monday). While of course I look forward to seeing him again, and the time I'll be getting again now for my stuff (I'm supposed to get full as opposed to half workdays next week, which also coincides with Leighton's mom's visit: Julie, I hope you realize this and don't think I'm just rude when I take off every morning while you're here!). I can tell though that I'm also sort of dreading giving up this routine Lilly and I got going, or at least I'm anxious how what we now have nailed down, what of it that works, will be upset, changed. In particular the meals and sleep routines; I love how we got those kind of figured out in a calm way now. She's eating more too, more solids, for all three meals. We eat lunch and dinner earlier, and she goes down earlier for nap and in the evening. She started going down for her nap earlier before Leighton left too; because she wasn't feeling well, we think, maybe also the days getting shorter, because she'd go to bed earlier too. It's really nice in the evening how she'll go down around six now and it only takes half an hour from we're done with dinner, teeth brush and face & hands washed till she's asleep.

It really has also been an adventure to be just Lilly and I, and I always love an adventure, to see just how much I can do! That we both got sick on top of being alone just made me feel all the stronger.

Last night was another rough night; Lilly kept waking up from coughing fits. Then around 4 a.m. I noticed her pajama, both bottom and top, were soaked with pee (as was my pillow that she was lying on). So of course I had to change her, and after that she couldn't sleep again. So we had another long day ahead of us. But it turned out a smooth day, a good day. We read books (first thing she wants to do now), ate breakfast (she had lots of oatmeal and banana), watched the Baby Einstein DVDs. I showered, then pumped (now with more time in the morning, since I'm not rushing off for work, I have pumped almost every morning, storing up for some time off...). Then Lilly pooped (she said "do"! I wasn't sure at first, we typically just see it in her face, or she poops right away in the morning when she goes to the potty to pee; I love it if this is a new more advance cue! Sometimes she'll also point to the bathroom or walk out there. But today I was in the living room pumping and she walked up to me and said "do." ). I finished pumping, because I thought maybe she was also trying to say an animal sound or something, or "dog?" But she says "dog!" more with an emphasis, not in the questioning manner. And as I was wondering if she wanted to poo, it was clear something was on its way... We rushed to the bathroom, and a little turd was indeed on its way, but we got it all into the potty, lots of poop. She sat there contently, on her potty, reading her books, as she pooped. I love it.

Then we ran errands (Cubs for groceries, Wallgreens for more cold meds, bakery for bread) and home for lunch around 11. Done by 11:30, Lilly slept by 12:05. Slept two good hours while I had some time to work. I felt so tired, but for me the urge is typically to get some of my things done, sleep rarely tops the list, I am an experienced insomniac after all (I think I almost benefit some from that now...).

Lilly wanted out almost right away after her nap (after reading Goodnight Moon a couple of times first, it's so cool how she's into all her books these days. Thanks Marte and Lori for giving them to her!). I was so tired, I can tell I am more tired from being just me with her (the required attention), it's more like last year (I remember the afternoons being in particular challenging), and from us both being sick. Heading out felt so good! And she was so happy! Strolled down to Central Park, she played at the playground. I was dreading leaving when time would come for that, the unhappiness... But after 45 minutes, she decided she was done. She just walked off the park, turned around and said "bye" to the playground. I followed with the stroller, she walked beside me, all the way down to Division st. And then along Division st. to Bridge square, but by then I was getting tired of having to be so vigilant with her downtown, what with the traffic, and so I put her in the stroller. Fortunately, I'd brought snacks (bread and apple) which prevented unhappiness due to the "restriction," having to sit down. She was actually really happy on the way home.

Got home around 4:30, we'd been out for an hour and a half. Got food ready, fed her while I prepared it, she ate quite a bit, bread, grapes, some turkey and cheese, cucumber. She was so tired by 5:30, I asked if we should brush teeth, she went straight to the bathroom, but cried when I did brush them (how can we make this a positive experience???). She slept by 6:09. I hope tonight goes more smoothly for her.

Leighton called around 6:30, he's having a layover in Chicago now, we didn't talk much, I'm afraid of making sound, that might stir Lilly. Dishes are done now, it's almost 7:30, I'll have some time to read, relax. I've tidied up, lit the candles, it feels peaceful here (and hopefully it'll stay that way, unlike yesterday evening).

I was so proud of Lilly at the playground and look forward to having Leighton back and his mom here (she arrives Saturday night) to show off! She can climb up and slide down the big (but not the biggest) slide on the playground all by herself now! She did it endlessly, tirelessly today. So fun! At least she got lots of exercise. She's such a brave, strong girl. I love it. And then way she walked, almost ran, next to me, understanding not to veer from the sidewalk or take a left or a right if we weren't heading that way, hold my hand when we crossed a street, unless it seemed safe (she prefers to walk all on her own).

I'm also glad we didn't have to go through rush hour traffic this afternoon to pick up Leighton, Lilly wouldn't have been very happy in the car either, and it would have made it difficult to have dinner and get her in bed by her usual (new usual) time. It'll be good to go get papa in the morning tomorrow (he's spending the night by the airport, at his uncles'). As soon as we're done with our morning routine, we'll head out and drive up there, we'll all be fresher, we can be home for a leisurely lunch and some playtime maybe, and then Lilly can nap, and Leighton and I can talk, reconnect, he can unpack, get laundry set, we can organize all the things he brought over for us from Norway, some of our winter gear, books and notes, etc. I look forward to all of that, our day and evening tomorrow, we'll have fresh fish from the co-op for dinner and I got a film on DVD from the library for us that we can watch when Lilly is in bed.

Update: less than 2 minutes after I posted this, Lilly coughed herself awake. Looks like I'll be Florence Nightingale this night also.

Update II: So Lilly slept 1 1/2 hour, awoke from coughing, awoke after another half hour from coughing, then after 10 minutes, 5, 2 ... In the end she was so distraught, her cough sounds terrible, all she wants is to sleep and yet it hurts so much. I don't blame her; my chest hurts too now, yet my cough isn't nearly as bad as hers. In the end I just held her in my arms, sat in the living room with her for a bit, then turned off all the the lights in the house, went into our bedroom with her, lied down, made no attempts to leave the bed. Whenever she coughed, she could settle more quickly with me right there. The night nurse.

Now soon off to get Leighton home.

papa?

I haven't noticed too much of a difference in Lilly with Leighton being gone, except her heightened level of independence. She does love to Skype with him, and will say "papa?" when she sees the phone or computer, especially the computer, when she'd like to see and Skype with him.

But this afternoon, before we headed out for our errands, we were having a little snack (a latte: Lilly likes the foam..., some banana and grapes), it cleared up a little outside, and I said: look, how nice! But this confused Lilly; maybe I had the same voice as when I tell her, look, papa is home. So she looked out through the porch door where we'll see Leighton return home on his bike, park it in the garage, and then come to the house. She lifted the sheers aside and asked "papa?" with anticipation in her voice. When I said no, not now, but tomorrow, her lip started shivering, she looked as if she'd cry. I explained, first we need to eat dinner, then sleep, and then papa will be here (that's not entirely true, since he returns later in the day, but I was trying to make the concept of time somewhat more tangible). She looked out again, pointed, "papa?" lip still trembling. It was so heartbreaking!

I started wondering then if maybe her wiredness has also been a result of less groundedness at home now, what with Leighton gone. That it feels different to her, unntakstilstand. Which allows for some wacko behavior. Who knows. Maybe it is also just being sick and overtired.

Leighton's flight is schedule to arrive tomorrow, Thursday, at 3:32 p.m. Which should bring us all home around 5 p.m. for dinner (I'm making Mexican, Leighton's favorite, I think).

Update: due to snow in Oslo, Leighton's flight was delayed and he's been rerouted, won't come home till very late this evening. Hopefully he can spend the night at his uncle Blake & Rick in Bloomington and then we'll come get him tomorrow (Friday) morning.

opp og ned

After the apparent upward turn, starting Sunday night, with better appetite and rest for both Lilly and I, Lilly had a rough night again last night, lots of cough and snot, now colored a dark yellow (it's been clear till now). Yikes. I regret not putting her down for a nap yesterday morning instead of going to the library. I blame myself for thinking it'd be nice to fill the morning with activities and then have some of the afternoon filled by nap time for her slash time for me to work, when she did seem so tired by 10 a.m. already.

Anyway, we've been up since 4 a.m., Lilly doesn't have much of an appetite this morning, she's been eating banana and oatmeal the previous couple of mornings. We've played in the kitchen, read books (Lilly loves to leaf through them and she LOVES when I do the dogs' barking as we read Sandra Boynton's Doggies book). Mostly, Lilly's been playing with her new chair this morning. I got her a couple plastic outdoors children chairs yesterday, $1 each, she's been wanting a chair to sit on. She'll sit on it, sit baby down in it, push it around like a stroller, climb on it, you name it. She's very happy with it.

We've watched Baby Einstein's half hour long "Baby da Vinci from head to toe;" today Lilly pointed to her eye and said "øye," that made me happy. Because mostly she repeats in English, though I always add the terms in Norwegian.

Now we're watching the other half hour long Baby Einstein DVD we have checked out from the library; "Neighborhood Animals." Lilly always says "dog," I'm afraid, though I try, I do, to have her say "hund."

She's also begun to do the head, shoulder, knees and toes along with the da Vinci DVD. We do it together. It's what I get of exercise these days.

Update: Lilly got infant ibuprofen at 6 a.m. and eventually perked up, ate all her oatmeal, enjoyed the warm bath (didn't want to get out), ate lots for lunch (we had an early lunch, around 11 a.m.: Lilly ate tomato soup with bread, pasta shells, pickled cucumber, and orange). Now, if only she could wind down a little ... She's so spun up and tired and sick. It's kind of surreal to be around her right now. Especially seeing I feel kind of spin-spunny myself, with so little sleep and still a little sick.

Update II: Lilly did finally fall asleep for her nap: I let her cry. -- I did! I left the room, we were both exhausted. Ten she started crying. One minute, two, three: then she slept, I opened the door, she was draped over the pillow (she likes to sleep with her head up now, with the congestion). Don't know if I'll try it again though, I think her level of exhaustion today was a factor. Anyways, I knew she'd be able to have her regular two hour nap, or maybe even longer, seeing she didn't nap yesterday, but one hour into her nap the monthly severe weather alarm test went off as it always does, first Wednesday of every month. And of course it woke her up! I was able to settle her again. But then a cough attack totally awoke her. Poor little girl. She was so tired this afternoon. And so much snot, just constant! and such a bad cough. We did a couple of errands after we had played some, read lots of books, Skyped with papa. She enjoyed being out of the house. We went to Fireside Orchard and picked out some apples (the seconds are a good deal! We got some Haralson); she got her own bag and carried some to the cashier and then to the car, she was very proud of that (as was I). Her good mood lasted through dinner (she had a little cheese, a few noodles, one or two bites of tomatoes, one piece of lettuce, not much). Then she walked to the bathroom, time for toothbrush! Which she resents, but she knew it was time. She fell asleep by 5:30 p.m.! I only hope this doesn't mean we get up at 3:30 a.m. tomorrow.

got guts

My friend Amanda just posted in her blog ("no guts, no glory") about how we mamas, while we may seem soft at times, really are the ones who have the guts to run the world, and yet we don't. Hear, hear! I feel like one very gutsy mama these days. True, Sunday was rather long to get through, sleep deprived and sick, with Lilly sick too, but we did it. Monday was better already, and we had things to do. The library in the morning, the park in the afternoon, sunshine outside. Lilly was feeling great, and I was already feeling better too.

Today started off even better yet, though we got up at 5, but the night was calm, and we had things to do. A visit at 8:30, library at 10, sunshine outside. But then, sure enough, Lilly got overtired and so was not able to go down for a nap, spinning around all wired instead. Now that I'm feeling better, I was really looking forward to getting some work done while she'd sleep, or maybe even some crunches. What I miss the most right now is time to work and time to exercise. And then she just couldn't sleep. Like last Thursday after the ladies luncheon; she had gone beyond.

So, we hit the road. And she fell asleep. I figured we might as well run some errands. She slept for half an hour or so, then she woke up as we pulled over for our first errand. She was not very happy after that. Symbolically, it gets really windy and starts to rain, it's mean outside, and it's no better being inside of the car, the way Lilly's behaving in her car seat at this point. But I'm staying calm, I know she's just really tired, everything hurts more.

It's tough for a while, but then, as she crashes early, it's all calm. And then I get busy, executing all those tasks.

We mamas do rule. And we should get more credit for it. In that outside political world.

For more as to why, check out Ann Crittenden's The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued and The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter by Katherine Ellison. This last one was recommended to me by my friend and fellow mama Lori, and it really speaks to Amanda's post about how we mamas are perceived as "soft," and yet we're not. Just. We're not mush brains; we're excelling at multitasking and multimaneuvring with a multidispersered attention ability.

all saints day

Lilly and I are officially both sick with the common cold. She of course has been on and off struggling with teething and discomfort the last couple of weeks or so. But now she's coughing like an old man slash former smoker while I'm sneezing galore and have a really sore throat. We both have snot running out of our noses like crazy. So we're quite the pair. I was actually a little surprised she seemed so out of it this morning because her night was pretty good (she slept from 7:30 - 00:30, ate and coughed some, then slept again till 3:45 or so, same routine then, and then again till 6). Which was actually 5, seeing we had to set the clock one hour back. So up we got, done with breakfast and our two Baby Einstein DVDs (she's getting rather musical by watching/interacting with these; brings out her little piano now (in addition to puzzle works and books and toys and stuffed animals to match what she's seeing on the screen) and plays quite well, I must say!) by 7 a.m. Now whereas she slept like an angel in between her cough bouts last night, I was up nursing a sudden onset of extremely sore throat (you know, when it cuts like several knives in there), stuffy nose, and achy body, with Cloraseptic, nasal spray, tylenol, and hot cider. Couldn't find comfort even after all that to sleep. So I was so tired this morning. And so was she.

I had a hot shower and gave her a long warm bath, we both enjoyed our water treats, and it helped clear our nostrils some. Then we ran errands, sparkling water at Cubs (I love how it feels when my throat is sore!), kleenex at Target (!), and fruits etc. at the Coop. Home for an early lunch (a can of chicken noodle soup and turkey sandwiches; Lilly ate some cheese and turkey, threw the noodles slick with broth on the floor, sigh). Nap (90 minutes), downtime (60 minutes), Skype with papa (30 minutes).

It's 3 p.m. and very nice out by now. Lilly is whiny, it hurts all over, for her, and for me, we're both so out of it. But we head out, it's good to be outside. Lilly wants to bike her tricycle, which she can't, she's too little, and I don't have the energy to lean over (and have snot coming out all the time), pushing her. I suggest we go for a stroll; she wants a ride in the car. I told her we already used the car today, time for some fresh air. In the end, she points to the stroller with a sigh, ok, then. And on we go for a little afternoon stroll in a suddenly very balmy sunny weather. Sunshine, no winds, 60 F. Downtown and back again, slowly, it's a good half hour.

By now it's time to make dinner: tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Lilly eats lots of ham, cheese and tomato soup with bread! Oh, and pickled cucumbers (good ones, from Trader Joe's). After tomatoes, tomato soup and tilapia (fish) are her favorite food items these days. She's into Ts I guess.

She's suddenly very happy being home again after our time out, plays in her kitchen while I do the dishes. And then it's time to brush teeth and get ready for bed (I figure her body is still on yesterday's clock). And sure enough, she sleeps by 6, which was 7 yesterday.

Oops, was just about to post this as she stirred, needed comfort, coughing and tooting (she might have eaten all that food a tad bit too fast???). Really hard to comfort a baby when you need to sneeze so bad it's insane. I never got this: how can a nose be sneezy and runny while also being so stuffy you can't breath? I mean, I just don't see how stuffiness goes with watery creeks coming out of your nose, so that you're still left panting, breathing through your mouth, like a dog. Just a technicality, anyway.

trick or treat!

(Minnie Mouse! aka our big little Lilly)

Lilly had a good long nap today: 2 hours and 40 minutes. She woke up with a smile and wanted into the living room to play, right away (sometimes she needs a little boob time in bed first). Leighton had text messaged right before she woke up to see if we could Skype, and so we did, and this time it went really well! Lilly laughed and smiled, showed papa her puzzles and books and other toys, mimicked his sounds and made her own for him to repeat. It felt really good to talk for me too; after this morning I've been feeling so out of it. Talking with my man made me feel more grounded again.

We also got to Skype a little with my Danish friend Kristian after that. He and I met in grad school in Seattle; he's now back in Denmark and has two little girls. We spent last Christmas with him and his family in Gran Canaria.

Then Lilly was done with Skyping, we played for a while with her puzzle works, it was four thirty and I wanted to get dinner ready and done with, especially seeing it's Halloween tonight! I had pasta salad, green salad and some soup. Lilly ate my cherry tomatoes and some more I got out; she was not interested in pasta or cheese or any of the other food.

It was time to change into Lilly's Halloween "costume;" a dress with bloomers and tights that she got from mormor & morfar in June for her one-year birthday. (It was funny to see how snugly it all fit her now! The bloomers used to stick out way down. She's stretching out, for sure.) And some mouse ears I got while I was out in Seattle. She was not happy being changed into her Halloween outfit and so I'm left wondering if it was worth it... We only had two groups of children come by, and Lilly seemed almost afraid of the other (bigger) children. She was getting so tired as well... At one point she went into the bedroom and rested her head on her arm on the bed! But I was really hoping we'd get a visit from my friend Lori and her 5-yr. old son, Sam. But they must either not have made it or arrived after we turned off the light, around 6:45. Lilly fell asleep on my arm with her bamse in her arms, so cute! She still has a bad cough though, and that kept waking her up. And then she woke up as I transferred her head to a pillow. And then again, and again!, when she heard the door as I tried to exit the room as quietly as possible. So it took about 45 minutes for her to fall asleep. Longer than these last few nights, but more like before.

She did have some fun too with Halloween though: I showed her pictures of Minnie online and she kind of got it, who she was supposed to be. She pointed to the TV and wanted to see the DVD we're borrowing from the library with Mickey's Club House where she could also see Minnie. And she did enjoy having her picture taken. And so I include them all, for you, papa, in particular! Next year she'll kind of get it more, you know, and not feel so sick, be so tired, and so intimidated by it all. And we'll all be together. And hopefully none of us will be sick (the sore throat I woke up with feels only worse tonight, and, now that I think of it, you, Leighton, were ill too last year! I remember you came home early from the library as I was heading out for coffee; I had dressed Lilly in a polar bear fleece suit for Halloween).

(Lilly really got a kick out of taking her ears off, and then putting them on again, or trying to do so.)

(And here they go, off! See how short those bloomers and dress have gotten?)

I had bought a value pack at Cub's with candy: 100 pieces of mixed chocolates (Heath bars, Reese's butter cups, Almond Joy, and Whoppers malted milk balls). Seeing we only had five kids stop by, we have lots of chocolate in the house now... (so Leighton: another thing for you to look forward to in terms of coming home to us!).

The moon is out, almost full (full moon on Monday). Tonight we set the clock one hour back.

today I yelled at Lilly

Today I yelled at Lilly, and I feel terrible, so ashamed! It's never happened before and I dread it ever happening again. We had actually had a pretty good morning, she got up with a smile, despite her cough and still some snot, and today I woke up with a sore throat too. But we had a fine time over breakfast, we played, watched Baby Einstein (she's getting so good at identifying and mimicking the sounds of animals! and pointing at her nose and ears etc., repeating "nose" along with the DVD). I sorted laundry, showered, and then it's time for action. Lilly is typically eager to leave the house by 9:30 or 10; today there was no event at the library (because of Halloween), but I figured we'd bundle up for a walk, do an errand downtown.

But then we tried too much at the end: Leighton wanted to Skype at 10, Lilly laughed and waved at him at first, but then got upset when I wouldn't let her bang at the keyboard, and she doesn't like it when we (he and I) talk, she wants it to be with her, too, which of course makes sense! Leighton was reluctant to hang up, he had lots to share and misses his girls (and of course we miss him too!). He was in tears as we hung up, which also makes me feel terrible. But now it was close to 10:20 and Lilly was getting very antsy. So. On with the clothes (this is never fun), it was cold, so I decided we needed to put her boots on. Which were terribly muddy from last weekend at the orchard. So I wanted to clean them real quick. Not to Lilly's agreement. At this point she's crying, screaming, not just whining. I explain, in Norwegian, that I just have to clean her boots real quick and then we'll get going. She points to the door, kicks her legs into the floor, wants out now! And so then I yell, you just have to wait a little bit, and then we'll go out! Of course, she only starts bawling from this. And then I remember that anguish, when my mom yelled at me when I was a child, how the world just stopped making sense at that point.

So I took her in my arms, went into her bedroom, sat and rocked her on the bed, nursed her, lied down with her and nursed her some more. She was soon happy again and excited when I said we'll go out now and her happiness mostly lasted till we were out of the house (interspersed with some spouts of whining as I had to go wash my hands to get the mud of, get my scarf and hat from the closet, etc.)

Then we leave the house, she's so happy walking my purse to the stroller, sits down happily, it's freaking windy and cold, but we're dressed for it. The sun's peeking through. At the coffee shop, our destination to pick up more coffee, it's super crowded, people pressing ahead in line. Lilly wants up, but it goes ok. We leave the shop, she has to squint against the sun in the stroller on the way back, the shade doesn't go down far enough. And then, just as we're two blocks from the house, her head falls to the side, she's falling asleep. This cannot happen!! Then she will not have a nap (she magically has this only one chance to fall asleep for a nap, I don't get it. And she won't be transported to bed from stroller or car seat if she falls asleep there). So I lift her up into my arms and she cries. At this point I feel like the worst mom ever.

We make it to the house and now she's so happy again to be home. I want to see if she can eat some food, some lunch, before she sleeps (this is risky business to try: she hasn't shown much interest in solids lately, though she did eat quite a bit of the tilapia we had for dinner last night--we have fish for dinner every Friday, it's fresh at the Co-op then. But she did actually end up eating quite a bit of cheese and turkey for lunch today and even some orange. Typically she only has fun saying, 'appelsin.' But now she ate it too).

So, then it's time to try and see if she'll sleep. It's noon, she's been going down around 11:30 lately, maybe she missed her window on Thursday, when we had the ladies luncheon here from eleven til one thirty, I don't want that to happen again. She's yawning, so clearly tired. But struggles to surrender to sleep. I leave the room twice in despair. By 12:40 she's sleeping, beautifully, at my breast. She is the most precious child in the world, I just have to kiss her, though I don't want to wake her. I kiss her cheek and stroke her head, she sleeps so peacefully. Our little Lilly, delicate in appearance, yet strong and enduring.

party party party!

So we did end up going to the pumpkin carving party last night after all and we had a blast! I can't believe it, Lilly not having napped all day at all. I had her in her pajamas, in case she'd crash. But she did not! She played and had fun with the other toddlers from five o'clock till after eight while I got to visit with some new people, enjoy the delicious pumpkin curry, and sip on some white whine. Lilly amazed and charmed everyone with her independence and happy mood. The hosts had a small slide that she'd climb up and slide down on, all by herself, after I'd shown her a couple of times how to do it, holding her hand as she climbed the steps. She'd run around with the other children, paint a little (she wasn't too into that, though; she's more into people). Lilly's a social bug who loves a party for sure! My kind of girl.

I was really happy to connect with other new parents with children around the same age, some of them I knew already, some I knew a little bit, some were entirely new to me. It'd be nice if we could continue sharing community like we did last night.

This morning we went over to play with our neighbors' cats and give them more food and water, Lilly stroked and talked to them. Then we watched Baby Einstein Neighborhood Animals; she can name a lot of the animals now, "dog," "babbit" (rabbit), etc. It's a blustery wet but mild day. We're heading over to the library at 10 a.m. and then later in the afternoon we're meet friends at Froggy Bottoms for beer.

Update: Froggy Bottoms is not a child friendly place. Though it was nice to see friends, I did not enjoy myself very much. It's too big of a place with too many unsafe things for Lilly to get into and not easy to keep track of her whereabouts; the booths and high tables and chairs prevent a good visual overview. We were so much happier and relaxed at the Tavern lounge, so we'll go there next time. It's a small contained room without much clutter, and tables and chairs are lower so it's easier to follow Lilly with one's eyes to see where she's at.

a great rainy day

It's 4:30 p.m., and Lilly hasn't had her nap (yet?), but, I'm amazed to say, she's happy -- and has been all day. She had a good night. She needed a little comforting around 9 p.m., then slept till after 2 a.m. Did not need more medication last night and was calm till morning when she got out of bed with a smile! Didn't even have time to go to the potty, just straight to all her toys.

This morning I was busy preparing for my small ladies brunch/lunch, and Lilly was happily playing on her own, studying her books and puzzles, so cute! Same when the ladies were here, she kept playing on her own, just visiting with us every now.

My guests (three strong women that I know through Lakselaget luncheons) arrived around eleven and left around one thirty. Lilly was past her nap time by then, and I thought she'd have an easy time falling asleep, but she either got so wired or happy or I don't know what. Unfortunately, her cold symptoms came back now during the last hour or so (because she's overtired?). Don't think we shall go to the pumpkin carving party at five...

It's been a rainy day; our home is so cozy on days like these!! With candles burning, the warm colors of the furniture and rugs. I love it!

It felt so good to have some adult conversation. We laughed, shared, cried, it was all good, all real. I'd made my usual pasta salad (whole wheat pasta shells, sauteed onion and mushroom, mozarrella cheese, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, kalamate olives, and a sauce made of Greek nonfat yoghurt, mustard, garlic, salt & peper). I'd gotten a baguette from the co-op, served it warm from the oven, crackers and brie for appetizers, with olives stuffed with hot peppers, grapes ... Sorbet for dessert. Sparkling wine. I'm getting hungry for more as I write this! It is getting close to dinner time. And so luckily there are lots of leftovers!

but they say it takes a village

[scenario: "she," a friend of mine, also the wife of "he." She's out of town for a conference, he's home alone with a baby-toddler boy. Following cut & pasted from facebook:]

(he): I don't think I have what it takes.
(other dad): You'd be surprised just how little it really takes.
(he): But sometimes what it takes is not compatible.

(he): I guess I also wonder if I should do whatever it takes.

(she): You DO have what it takes, of course you do!
(he): But they say it takes a village. I have something more like a hut, perhaps a yurt.

This little interchange made me smile, laugh, it's funny, and it's true. Our midwife told us about this research she'd read about, how people who live in shared community live longer. I crave adult contact. Today, the only person I spoke with "live" was my friend Nancy, for a couple of minutes, we dropped by her office, between classes. I can't really count the cashier at Cub's. And Leighton was via Skype.

When Lilly and I were in the park this afternoon, I saw two other "real" people there: the woman with the dog Lilly got to bark back at, and a Carleton student. Both talking on their cells. I was craving conversation with either (though I have no clue who they were), but they were so busy speaking on their cells.

Is this as good as it gets these days? I find myself, now that Leighton is gone, blogging, emailing, Skyping, chatting (online), facebooking, googling, etc., etc., more than when he's around to talk with. And it's not just to "waste" or "spend" time: I'm reaching out.

I think it's a little sad. Because in the morning, I wake up, and I don't feel 'filled' the way I do when I've spent an evening with people in person, unmediated by media. Of course, we're always separate, even when together, words never really bridge all that well, or sometimes they succeed ok. But there's an energy you can experience, without or despite words, when you're sharing space.

While I must confess to being sort of a loner, I also regret the way western culture today reinforces an individualistic form of living. Leighton and I have talked about how when we next move, we need it to be to somewhere we have friends, where we can build a community, a village.

another day goes by

Today we had only one task on our to-do list: grocery shopping for the brunch-lunch tomorrow. So we had lots of time to fill... And so we did! And it was a pretty good day, I must say, though gray and kind of gloomy.

The day begins with the night before, I find, so here goes: Lilly had another rough night last night; I gave her some more medication around 2 a.m., propped her head on a pillow, dabbed some eucalyptus around her nostrils, gave some more boob, tickled her head, and all that seemed to help. Morning went by pretty smoothly: breakfast, some Baby Einstein (while I checked e-mail real quick), shower. Then off to the grocery store, Lilly loves Cub! Funny I boycotted it at first when it came to town. She was happy in the cart for a while, then walked/ran around; she was good about coming along though and of course charms everyone with her big glee as she wanders about like that. She loves carrying the key and getting it into the key hole on the car and house, so that makes exiting fairly easy too.

After Cub, there was still some time before lunch, so we headed up to St. Olaf College to say hi to my friend Nancy in art history. Lilly loves the Dittmann Center as well; fun space to hang out in. I ran into two former great con students of mine, nice to chat with them a little too. They're seniors now.

After that, Lilly was very tired... We headed home for an early lunch while we Skyped with papa (my Leighton). Lilly waved and smiled. Then crashed ten to twelve and slept for a whole three hours! Unfortunately, I don't feel like I was too productive during that time. I kept hearing her cough and was on pins and needles expecting her to wake up anytime. But she slept through it all. And then she was very happy when she woke up! And wanted out after only a little playtime inside (she got shoes on and pointed to the door). So we went to Central park to play at the playground there.

I got cold (should have worn a hat like Lilly) and it was getting close to dinner, so we headed home after 45 minutes or so, against Lilly's will, I'm afraid. But when I told her we should go check on "Eddy" (one of her stuffed animals, a dog; she loves dogs -- she got to visit with a dog at the park and barked back at her...), she got more into being home. She got a little impatient when she realized what would come next (eating); she wanted the food to be done and on the table and for her to sit in her chair by the table. She didn't want any food though, as it turned out. But was happy enough by the table nonetheless. So I had a fairly calm meal... Soup from Lori (thank you Lori!). In addition to the lentil & tomato soup we had yesterday, Lori also had made and brought us some quinoa chowder with potatoes, tofu and kale (I think those must have been the ingredients). I heated it up so it was really warm, which felt so good, and also had some bread, butter, herb mustard, strong cheddar, ham and grapes. Lilly did in fact try both the sandwich and the soup, but mostly played and talked.

I asked if she wanted to "bade" (take a bath) after supper and tonight she was up for it! And she had so much fun in there! Splashing around, playing "opp og ned" (up and down), etc., etc. She did not want to get out, but she got so wired, in the end I had her come out. Which she was fine with. She actually seemed a little cold. She kept yawning too. But was still very wired.

So tonight she did not have such an easy time falling asleep. I also didn't give her any medicine, because the bath cleared her airways a bit and I thought she might be fine. But after a while in bed, she was very congested, kept coughing and sneezing and rubbing her eyes and nose. So I gave her some medicine again, and she fell asleep after that and some more boob, around seven thirty. Tomorrow is the last day we can give her medicine on this round at least (it'll have been ten days, and directions say to stop after that). I hope she'll be feeling better...

Now it's already eight thirty and there are so many things on my to-do list! At the same time I'm tired. Which partly explains my use of time when Lilly napped as well; a little of this, a little of that, hard to focus on one thing or really get into work. I'm reading a little fiction, reading a little for work, analyzing a little film for work, watching a little film for fun. Responding to some emails from friends, writing some that are related to work. This way the time goes by.

home alone with Lilly

Yesterday Leighton left for Norway where he'll spend the next ten days, in Oslo, attending seminars at the Ibsen center, working on his paper, seeing the dentist, visiting with friends, among other. In the meantime, Lilly and I are here at home, on our own. I've been kind of excited about this time, it's sort of an adventure, how well can we do it? And it's nice to know Leighton can have all this time to focus on work and get good sleep at night. So how have we fared so far?

Well, Lilly fell asleep on the way to the airport yesterday, only got about 40 min. of sleep in the car, typically she sleeps a couple of hours, but she seems to only have one precious "falling asleep" quota per day. So she got tired end of the day. I took her for a long stroll in the afternoon, gorgeous fall sunshine weather. Then we stopped at the library (she loves it there, never wants to leave). Home for a quick dinner (heated up some tomato soup from the Co-op, anything else seemed daunting with a tired baby in my arms). Lilly fell asleep at an amazing 18:20, needed some comforting again around 19, slept again from 19:20 and till after I was in bed (which was early, but still...). She's been falling asleep earlier these few days, what with not feeling good and all (she used to fall asleep around eight, eight-thirty, and after 45 minutes of boob. Now it only takes 15 minutes or so). Her nights are not great though. Last night she sounded congested as well, and for a long while would just stare up into the ceiling.

This morning she was happy though. A friend of mine told me she and her husband often find it can actually be easier with just one parent. Their son would just "finne seg i" (live with having) to relate to the style and rhythm of the one parent, and sometimes that makes things easier, she told me. I did found that to be true this morning. Typically, Lilly is very needy in the morning. Today it was as if she realized I had to do certain things like make breakfast and then shower and she was fine with that; plus there was nobody else to ask for attention while I was doing all those things. At lunch too, when she's always tired and ready for her nap, I found it easier without Leighton here because I wasn't also trying to have a conversation with him.

That said, we miss him! Which actually makes me appreciate Lilly's company even more.

After breakfast, we watched a new Baby Einstein DVD that I checked out from the library yesterday. We just *love* their DVDs!! This one was about animals in the neighborhood; Lilly loves dogs and there were lots of them on this one to interact with. We've been watching the da Vinci one for a while; it's about body parts and Lilly has learned from it to say and point to certain body parts, like nose, eyes, mouth.

Then it was time to walk over to the library, fun time for both Lilly and mama. We strolled in the beautiful sunshine. The group was smaller today, which was kind of nice: easier to talk with the adults and get to know each other better.

We had to stop at the Co-op for milk on the way home, Lilly was tired and winy at this point... We Skyped real quick with Leighton when we got home, Oslo is six hours ahead of us now, he was at the university library, tired from a long journey and then a long day at the Ibsen center and the library. His suitcase did not arrive (and he won't get it till tomorrow), so that's unfortunate. And he had a bumpy ride from Minneapolis to Chicago. Otherwise good from there to Stockholm and then Oslo. Lilly waved to the image of him on the screen, very cute!

She napped for an hour and a half after that and I got to work some. Then my dear friend Lori stopped by just as Lilly woke up. Lori had made a couple of batches of soup today and had some for us, knowing it's not easy to cook with just one adult around to tend to a baby. I was *very*grateful for that soup when dinner time came around and I again had to hold a tired baby in my arms while heating up some soup. In between of Lori's visit and that, we'd been out in the gorgeous fall weather again, headed over to the Co-op, picked up some bread for the soup and a few other things, Lilly got to play in the play area at the shop. She didn't want to leave at first, but then got tired. On the way home, she coughed a lot, her nose is very runny now. I can hear her still now, this evening, as she's sleeping, coughing every now and then. I hope she can still get some good rest tonight... I put her head on a pillow to ease with the congestion.

Our good neighbors Dee and Gregg are also gone this week, visiting their daughter in Nicaragua. Lilly and I are looking after their cats, and house. Lilly loves cats, so it was a good distraction to check in on them, add food to their food bowls, pet them a little (though they were rather shy) between dinner and bed time. Lilly hasn't been wanting her bath the last few nights. Just get the teeth brushed, hands washed, and then straight to bed. Again tonight she fell asleep quickly, by 18:20.

I've lit some candles, sipping on a glass of red wine, feeling so tired, but good about the day. Listening for Lilly, hoping she won't get too sick.

We have no plans tomorrow, will go grocery shopping in the morning, if it's nice I'll try to rake some. Lilly likes being out with me doing that. Unless she's too sick, I guess... Thursday I'm having some ladies over for a brunch, then Lilly and I are invited to a pumpkin carving/painting dinner party later that day. Friday we'll go to the library again for an open class (we'll probably go tomorrow and Thursday too, to be around all the fun books and toys, other kids and parents who're there to check things out), and then in we're meeting some friends for a happy hour beer later in the day. Saturday there's also an open class at the library in the morning, and of course we're excited for Halloween to be here and hope lots of kids will stop by in the evening. Sunday there's a Halloween party for preschoolers at Carleton College in the afternoon that we plan on attending.

So, this gives you an impression of our days here, without Leighton. I'll try to work when Lilly naps, catch up on email etc. in the evening. Every other day we'll feed the cats and play with them. If it stays nice, and Lilly's healthy enough, we'll be outside a lot. Or inside playing if not.

attitudes

I was going to post something earlier this week about how everything depends on one's attitude. After a rough end of last week, we had a glorious sunny fall weekend and I woke up Monday to another (final, for now) nice day. I turned to Leighton and said, "last night wasn't so bad, huh?!" And he was like, what do you mean, she was so squirmy all night.

So, it's all about attitude.

Or is it?

Because the day after, it was clear to us, something is going on. A cold, the flu? No: teething. Her corner teeth are coming out, I can feel the swollen bumps, she keeps clenching her mouth, wrapping her lips over her teeth and kind of gnawing, grabbing her mouth with her hand, as if to rip it out, looking at us in agony, crying. Nothing helps. The teething rings, the homeopathic remedies. Still hurts, still can't sleep. So we caved in and got infant tylenol. And she got some rest. It's been five days now, and still no tooth. How much pain is she (and we...) going to have to endure before those darn teeth come through?

On another note, we still got some things done today. It was another spectacular fall day, Leighton cleaned the gutters, Lilly and I went to the library. Nancy Carlson was visiting to talk about her books, lots of parents and children there. For pics., see the library's blog post here. The distraction and getting out was good for Lilly and I. Then she almost fell asleep in the car home, though it was about two hours before her regular nap time. She slept, Leighton packed, I looked through notes.

When she woke up, I felt the day would never end. Leighton tried to Skype with her with his mom and grandparents, not so easy with an unhappy child. They watched Sesame Street. They played. Eventually Leighton went out and played with Lilly while I cooked.

Now she's sleeping and I can breath deeply again, we're trying to recover. Hope to see a DVD. Tomorrow Leighton will pack and Lilly and I will be outs and abouts, plan on going to an orchard for hayrides and more fun. Hopefully.

breathing room

After last week's post/rant: here's an update. The weather was great this weekend. Got outside for some yard work. Lilly was out with Anne on Saturday to rake the the yard and driveway (which was covered with leaves and walnuts). I borrowed our neighbors truck so I could take the yard waste to the compost site. Sunday afternoon after Lilly's nap we went out to rake more leaves and walnuts which just in that short time covered the driveway again. Lilly liked being outside. I cleaned the gutters on the garage and cut down the hostas while she ran around. Our neighbors were out too and Lilly was very impressed by the mower and leaf blower.

Today again we had beautiful weather. After errands and the library, Lilly and I played outside in the yard before lunch. We had just long-sleeved T-shirts (no jackets!): the sun was warm and the air felt healthy against the body and in the lungs.

It was my afternoon to work. I was surprised I could sit inside with such weather, but I felt refreshed from the weekend and morning outside. I felt renewed even. As if it knew -- 'IT' -- that somethings gotta give! Gotta give these people a break with the weather if their going to make it through the winter sane and sound.

Tonight at yoga I felt good, in sync with my practice. We were asked to set an intention. I chose a couple key words: focus and strength. I'm not the best at focusing my mind and body in the space, but I achieved some peace of mind when I found my breath in sync with my body. And I felt the strength in my body as I focused my breath and kept the pace. I felt the warmth in my body--the heat which comes from within.

During relaxation my thoughts turned into a kind of image. Breathing room, I thought. I don't know what this space is for you, where you might find it, if at all, but I felt it in my body. Though this would typically be considered space around the body. I felt it and I took a few big breaths, metaphorically speaking.

This reminds me of a quote I heard about parenting which went something like, "Parenting is the hardest job and it's given to amateurs." I think of this when I need a little breathing room, when I'm feeling a little shitty about being a bad dad or whatever. I tell myself it's OK to make mistakes; be the best dad I can be, which is the best I can do.

And when I'm feeling like I was last week--in a real funk over the weather--I need to remember to give myself a little breathing room, because the weather won't always do it for me, like today. Though I'm grateful for all the help I can get.

Lastly, I want to say something about yoga. It seems like I've been writing more and more about this. Since we've been back in the States, Anne and I have been going to yoga twice a week. Not only is this good 'I' time--alone, away from Anne and Lilly--it's feels like a good way to re-center my self. I'm not the best at doing this, like I suggest above: I don't often have much focus or peace of mind. (Sometimes I even get bored with the physical activity.) Although my thoughts are often outside the space and more often than not still 'at work' I do feel that yoga gives me some breathing room. I store this in my body. I take this with me. It's there when I need it and I can look forward to more every week.

when the going gets tough

Let's face it: Leighton and I have been struggling with our roles as parents lately. It all came to a top these past couple of days. While Lilly is taking on new tasks every day (she's getting quite good with the puzzle works we got from Lori, leafing through pages & studying pictures in books we also got from Lori and then a stack from Marte--thank you both!, she's understanding tons of words and will got and get things we ask her for, like a book, a doll, a teddy bear, a cup, a spoon, her potty, etc., she's also saying many more days every day (including "bæsje, appelsin, bade" = poop, orange, bathe) and can mimic and connect animal sounds with pictures of animals, she's beginning to identify different body parts--like nose, mouth, eyes, arranging her little kitchen bench, gathering things in her little bag, emptying and filling it, etc., etc.), Leighton and I are struggling not to get bored while we're with her. We both prefer the library events M, Tu, F morning because then we get to interact with other parents while the kids play. W and Th are hard. You'd think we could manage just a couple of days to ourselves, but the hours get long.

So we began contemplating a nanny those two mornings.

But we can't afford it.

Which sucks.

We really look forward to having grandma Julie here, Leighton's mom. She'll be here for a week once Leighton returns from Norway. He'll be gone Oct. 26 - Nov. 5, then she arrives on the 7th. Julie's told us she looks forward to some bonding time with Lilly, and has also told us repeatedly to take advantage of her while she is here. We would really like to go out for dinner, just the two of us (Leighton and I) one night and will try to do that. We still haven't had a date like that. Only in January did my friend Helene stroll Lilly in the park one Sunday while we had lunch nearby. And then in June my friend Hege came over one evening and Leighton and I went out for some beer next door while Lilly slept. (Thanks, all you three!!)

I'm beginning to see why people like daycares. But we do feel it's best for Lilly to be with us till she's at last two (we were thinking three). Or, if we could afford it, another adult person that she could get attached to. I was reading how during the first couple of years, building attachment to a few adults (including parents, but not limited to) is of the utmost importance. My fear is that in daycares (unless it's small and with qualified staff) they don't get that.

Another thing that makes parenting a pain for me at times, is that I'm still the one who puts her down, seeing she likes the comfort of the boob and we don't want to try the cry it out method, or the Ferber-method (where the child also cries it out but learns to self-sooth). For some reason, it's taking Lilly a really long time to settle down for sleep, even when she's really tired. Typically, it takes around 45 min. to an hour, both for her afternoon nap and at night. That's a lot of time when to lie down with her, when you're eager to get other things done.

I try to think of it as bonding time with her, I do love the cuddling, and she is awfully sweet, especially when she falls asleep partly draping my body, or at least a foot on my hip. It's a drag when she's squirmy, kicks me, pulls on the boob and my hair.

On a lucky night, she's sleeping by 8 p.m. and Leighton and I get some time to do some of the things that accumulate in a house, study, read, and write some, maybe blog a little, or respond to some emails.

Many nights it's more like 8:30 or later, but she almost never goes later than 8:45.

She'll then sleep till midnight or so, though often she'll wake earlier, and need comfort, typically by me. And typically she won't let go of me then. The other night, when I blogged the below post, she woke up right as I was finishing it up, and wanted me. Many nights I surrender, don't get to brush my teeth or wash my face, I just lie there with her (because she won't let me get up again). But that night, I refused. I took her with me into the living room while I finished some things. And then we joined Leighton in bed around midnight.

But on a good night she sleeps from 8 till midnight, then she nurses, and then she nurses again at around 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. and around 6 a.m. or 6:30 a.m., and then we get up for breakfast. She naps from around 1:30 p.m. and for a couple of hours.

Recently, however, she's been nursing every hour at night, from midnight till morning. I think maybe she's teething? Or could it be all our moving around? Is she clinging to me as the world is changing constantly for her, now that she's developing at such an exponential rate as well?

Who knows. But it's best to surrender to it, have no ambitions, be thankful for the nights that are easier.

And for days like today. It's a gorgeous fall day. After lots of dark, rainy, cold days, we had some snow, even, today is sunny, fall colors radiant orange, deep yellow, rusty red. After yoga this morning, I raked with Lilly playing around. Then we went for a stroll down to the park, along the river, and by the "Used a bit shoppe" where Lilly picked out a doll. She was so proud of it, walked out the store with it in her arms, and since Rita, the doll we got from our Greek friend Irini in Apollonas this summer, is falling apart, I figured ... And it was only a buck. And Lilly's maternal instinct is blossoming these days, it seems. She loves the dolls in the library too. While she still really likes stuffed animals.


(Northfield, by the river)

After our stroll downtown, we walked home for lunch together, she was playing happily with her kitchen things while I finished eating, and then we lied down for her nap, and there she is now. I imagine we have another half hour to sit here with our computers, Leighton and I, before she wakes up. Leighton might clean the gutters, or wait till tomorrow. While Lilly and I were raking and out and about this morning, he was busy taking boxes with stuff from the office I had at St. Olaf College to the recycling dumpster, and while I was putting Lilly down, he took Greg's truck with our leaves to the compost ground. So now his back is hurting, my man struggles with a bad back. It's hard.

So hopefully weather will be good for yard work tomorrow too.

We also really look forward to visiting with Rachel, our midwife, tomorrow morning. I'm baking an apple cake later today or early tomorrow morning on that occasion.

That's it for now. I leave you with this video that I was watching thinking about Thursday and Friday night, when I felt that the going was getting tough. It made me feel a little better.