Every day I'm struck by pangs of mother's guilt: Her tummy seems upset; did I eat something last night that's causing this? Her eyes look gooey; have I not been careful enough keeping them clean? She seems tired; am I not doing good enough of a job helping her sleep? She's not happy in the pool; should I not have brought her to baby swimming class today? She seems to be in agony; is she processing trauma from the hospital stay after birth? Why didn't I do a better job protecting her there against the medical personnel, by standing up against the doctors, sheltering her from their invasive tests and screenings and so-called "treatment"? Her feet are cold; how could I forget those woolen socks? She's too warm; how could I think that she'd be fine with both a blanket and a comforter in the stroller? She has dry skin behind her ears; how could I let that happen, even after having read about it? She's scratched herself; how come I can never keep up with her nails?
The list is endless.
And now Lilly's teething. Rationally, I know this is not "my fault." But again, there's the feeling of guilt. Why did we not bring those teething rings? Clearly we did not have our priorities straight when packing. Who cares about our things if we could sacrifice somethings for her. And how could we take her out for dinner both Saturday and Sunday, even if it's just over to friends and family, when she's clearly not doing well? Lilly now has a gooey eye, achy gums, and a little big of congestion.
On top of all this, I have a couple of fast approaching deadlines looming over me (a grant application and an article). Our medical bills are overdue, but I first need to sort through all the statements before we pay any of them. I haven't had any time to work on an article I promised an editor I'd try to write. And I'm also supposed to review a book. Clearly, I'm hoping for less stressful days soon; in particular, relief for Lilly from aches and discomfort, and for me. Though I don't think I'll be able to escape mother's guilt anytime soon.
postscript: after I finished writing this, Lilly slept for another hour and I got to practice some yoga. For a moment, I've found some calm. Now Lilly's waking up and is all smiles! :)
3 comments:
I know what you mean. I've found that things have gotten a lot better. C is 13 months old now and a lot of the guilt for things is gone. He stopped spitting up when he started eating solid food and hasn't seemed to have an upset stomach since so I no longer have to worry if it was something I ate that caused the spitup. He's still nursing 3 times a day, but no spitup since 6 months. I used to feel guilt for the scratches he gave himself (because it's my fault for not cutting his fingernails).
But now he gives himself bumps and bruises and dings all the time because learning how to walk (while trying to carry stuff, while your pants are sliding off, while trying to cross the sea of books you pulled onto the floor) is tough. I felt bad about some of the first head clunks, but I don't usually feel bad anymore. I protect him as much as I can, but he has to learn to walk. I can't do it for him.
I try to keep him clean, but again, once he was able to move on his own, well, I'm not the one who picked up the toilet lid and started splashing my hand around in the water for fun. Let's just say that. I clean him and the house constantly. Obviously I put an end to the fun toilet splashing game and washed his hand. But what I feel isn't guilt anymore most of the time. It's funny or aggravating or cute or puzzling.
And I try to provide good food at regular intervals, but I can't make him eat. It's up to him now. I provide good opportunities for him to nap in a dark, quiet room at regular times, but I can't force him to sleep. When he wakes up crabby now I no longer feel guilty. I feel resigned to several hours of crabbiness. And I think, "hum, maybe we ought to go to the pool/park/store/zoo/etc. so that you can be distracted by the water/swings/aisles/bunny rabbits/etc. and the world won't suffer from this crabbiness too much."
Once the baby is a little older, the guilt isn't so all-pervasive because he/she is starting to be responsible for some things on his/her own. So, hang in there. There'll be a lot less guilt and self-recrimination in a few more months.
Tara
What Tara said!
Hei Annemor,
Jeg håper du bruker minst like mye tid på å kose deg med Lilly som du bruker på å ha skyldfølelse. Det tror jeg dere begge vinner på. Kooooos deg! De dævver ikke av et lite scratch eller tørr hud. Du skulle sett ungene mine, det er blod og blåmerker over det hele (og tørr hud bak ørene på Mina). Bare vent til de begynner å ramle ned fra trær, få hjernerystelse osv. For det gjør de! Og tenk så heldig hun er som har to foreldre som elsker henne. Kjærlighet er det aller, aller viktigste du kan gi henne. Miss you.
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