It has happened; what I dreaded about motherhood has affected me: I have come down with mush brain. Not all of the time, I don't think. But at times I find myself not able to complete sentences I've begun, unable to take in the news or digest the content of what I read in the paper. I've paid for groceries in the store but forgotten to take them with me. I forget things in general. One day it's Lilly's jacket. Another, extra diapers. The cause of all this: janitor sleep (vaktmestersøvn). Of course, I can't remember who introduced me to the term. But I believe it quite accurately describes the state of sleep I'm able to, not fall into, but quietly hover in as I watch over Lilly. I found it rather excruciating last week when I was low down with a cold. Lilly was sound asleep in her own bed, and I was ready to conk out in the other bedroom, but I could not. I had Leighton come home to watch her, but even then I wasn't able to give in to deep sleep.
And even if Lilly's doing just fine, sleeping sweetly, I lie down next to her at night and remain in an alert state. Other moms tell me the same thing; they notice they don't move around in bed anymore. And not just moms who, like me, sleep with their babies in the same bed. Even moms whose babies sleep in their own beds report that they don't move around in bed anymore. I'm surprised this doesn't hurt the body more than the occasional stiff neck and sore back. I do move, but consciously. At first, I only had two different positions in bed: on my left side, with Lilly facing me/my boob. Or, vice versa, on the right side. Lilly now allows me to roll over to my back, with an arm around her. She too will roll over on her back. She's so independent now! ;)
I've just about completely recovered from my cold. Lilly slept from 8 p.m. and only woke to eat at midnight and around 5 a.m. and she's still in bed (it's 10:30 a.m.). It's raining outside. This morning I've had the chance to read a little in a novel and practice some yoga. My brain may be mushy, but I feel otherwise good. Content.
1 comment:
hi there! i am there with you. augie sleeps from 6pm till 4am, nurses, then is up around 6:30 for good. but i STILL can't sleep very well. other moms say it takes a couple of years sometimes to start sleeping normally. i was so sleep deprived, augie's pediatrician prescribed me sleeping pills and ordered greg to take over for a few nights!! it helped. i slept in the basement :-) i am glad you're still feeling content though. i am most of the time, but the sleep issue is so so hard, i can really lose perspective on how great things are all around.
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