When the going gets tough, I find comfort in sharing the truth. When I can name the worst of what's going on for me, I don't need to worry some inner tsunami will build up, erupt and wash me away. When I hear the truth of others, I feel we're not in such bad shape after all; we all struggle. At least, we're not the only ones who can say or do things we later find excruciatingly childish, hurtful, and embarrassing. So this past weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon skyping for two hours with a friend in Oslo, and then Sunday I went for a morning walk with a friend in town and then later we all went over to their house in the afternoon. It was a weekend of sharing, talking, crying, and laughing. It was a good weekend for us.
But, we're still painfully tired, at least Leighton and I; Lilly's her same chirpy and energized self, rising well before the sun. Then she also gets a lot of comfort at home base to kick off from. -- The nighttime weaning is going so-so: the second night went even better than the first; when Lilly wanted boob around 2 a.m., I told her the boob's asleep and she lied down again to sleep right away. The third night I forgot and, half-asleep, gave her the boob when she grabbed for it. Fourth night it seemed silly to stick to the time limits I'd decided upon. And last night she started crying when I said the boob's asleep. And I can't deal with that. Our friends suggested we react too strongly to Lilly's crying, maybe projecting our own wounded childhood memories of crying onto her. That all crying isn't necessarily coming from an unsafe hurtful place. That it can also be a way of venting, showing disapproval. There could be some truth to that. But we are who we are and need to work from that. Eventually last night, Leighton took her into the other bedroom, and last night she did find comfort in sleeping with him, in the nook of his arm, snuggled close to his body.
So as to avoid too drawn out of a thing before nap and nighttime, Lilly's (for) now on a late nap and late bedtime "schedule," with a lot of nighttime nursing, and a lot of daytime nursing and cuddling too. Someday we'll miss this, I know. Often I embrace this time to be so close, so needed, wanted, to be able to give her what makes her happy and feel safe. Other times, I bitch about it, feel stuck, un-free. Leighton asked me the other day, how I can be so angry sometimes over a decision I've chosen myself. It's an interesting question. For me, I think it has to do with the fact that it doesn't feel quite like a free choice. I'm not simply myself anymore, I'm also hers. So it's not really just my decision.
We're really looking forward to Thanksgiving break, which we'll be spending in Casper mountain, Wyoming, with Leighton's dad and his family, at a Bed & Breakfast lodge called Sunburst lodge. We're leaving tomorrow morning, back late Sunday night. I look forward to hanging out with family, soaking in the hot tub, walking in the mountains, - and Lilly will just love it! Being the socialite that she is. So the days will be fun for her, and thus also for us.
2 comments:
Hearing your baby cry definitely triggers a painful, visceral, physical response. I totally know. Especially in a breastfeeding mother, but probably in any parent. On the other hand, soon enough Lilly will be demanding chocolate cake and videos at 3 a.m. Really. That time is not far off. At some point, she’s gonna have to cry. Because being a good parent sometimes means NOT giving your child what they want. So, my darling toddler, you want to try dunking the electric heater into the bathtub to see what happens? You want to try licking the carving knife to see what it tastes like? You want to just eat candy and nothing else from now on at every meal? And between meals? You want to bite me, your beloved mother, until I bleed? You want to see if you can fly from the second story window? You want to reach up and grab the stars? You want to fix the owie of a relative’s death that’s making Mommy sad by putting a band-aid on? Oh, sweet little toddler, how I love you. I love your natural curiosity, your naïveté, your empathy…
But you’re gonna have to cry sometimes. Because there are many things that you will want to do that are dangerous, impossible, and/or unacceptable. And I will say “no” to you. Because I love you.
Children have to be allowed to feel emotions, so that they can learn to deal with them. She will have to learn someday that she can cry and everything will still be ok. That you will still love her. In fact, sometimes crying helps. You may be able to keep her from crying for a few more months, but she’s going to start wanting to stick her wet fingertips into the electrical sockets soon, if she hasn’t yet. And at some point, you will have to tell her no. Even if she cries.
William Sears says the way to get your child to sleep is to breast feed and do the family bed, which you’re already doing. What does Sears recommend you do if that doesn’t work? He suggests you use the strong hypnotic prescription drug, chloral hydrate, to knock out your child. Yikes.
I really can’t urge you strongly enough to read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. He doesn’t tell you not to do attachment parenting, he doesn’t order you to let your baby “cry it out,” he comes across as a nice man who knows a LOT about sleep, sleep disorders, fixing sleep problems, etc. The book includes “action plans for exhausted parents.” And if I had to sum up his advice throughout the whole book in one thing, it would be: the way to fix sleep problems is to put your child down a little earlier, which after a few days will help her start to sleep longer. Because lots of babies/toddlers are not getting enough sleep.
Most babies Lilly’s age get about 2 hours of sleep at naptime and about 11 hours of sleep at night. Most children Lilly’s age wake up around 7 a.m. and go to sleep between 8 and 8:30 p.m. He says attachment parenting works for about 3/4 children. And all of these numbers are backed up with lots and lots and lots of actual data.
I’m sure your library must have the book. Pick it up, browse through it. It was a Godsend for us. We called it the Sleep Bible. You don’t have to agree with or follow a thing he says, but at least look. It may save your sanity.
When he doesn’t get enough sleep my boy is wired and short-fused and prone to crabbiness and energized. When he does get enough sleep he’s calm and thoughtful and adorable and able to stand still and “be” working on a latch or a zipper or a lid for a long time with amazing concentration. He’s a different person. And an even MORE loveable one.
Seriously. If you can find a way to get Lilly more sleep and get you guys more sleep, I bet you anything you’ll find out she’s even MORE amazing and adorable and rewarding to spend time with.
-Tara
Hi Tara,
I just reread your comment because something's not been clicking for me: Lilly does seem rested and happy most days and not crabby and whiny. I'm the one who's tired (and crabby and whiny, add crank and bitchy). Lilly actually does get around 11-13 hours of sleep per day (incl. a 1-2 hr. nap in the afternoon and then typically to bed around 7-8 p.m., up around 6 a.m, sometimes closer to 5:30, other days more like 7 a.m.). The thing is though that while sleeping she is still prone to shifting and squirming in bed (like her papa... but unlike papa, right by or on top of me). And she does like to suck on that nipple. On the other hand, she also likes to sleep on my arm, which I find adorable. And I'd rather have her with me in bed, close, or without. I actually think I get more rest and sleep now than in grad school and while I worked at St. Olaf; her presence soothes me, and I'm forced to be there (because if I get up to pee, there's a chance she'll wake too... At least if I combine it with wakefulness in the kitchen.) I was very tired during my days of insomnia too, and often felt down. Now I feel tired and tied down, yet unwilling to change (which makes me even more un-free): I want her to grow up and be independent, but I don't; I want her to stay in my arms and need me and be close to me. I bitch that Leighton can't put her down for nap and bedtime so I can get a break, but when he says, ok, let's pursue that, I cringe. I don't want to give up being the 'one and only,' or a least the one Lilly really craves when she's getting tired. So I'm making myself stuck! It's a bizarre situation.
I'm thinking sooner or later, Lilly will be wanting more of her own space and time to herself. She'll grow out of wanting to sit on my lap and read and cuddle; she'll want to play in her own room with her dolls or what not. She'll be excited to have her own room, and her own bed. That day I'll be kind of sad. And I'll miss what we have now. But now I can also look forward to that day. Ahh, letting go, so hard. But of course life important.
Anne
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