unntakstilstand

In Norwegian, we have this term, "unntakstilstand." I can't think of an English equivalent (anybody want to suggest something?). Literally it means "state of exception." In the US, more drastic terms like "national state of disaster" or "emergency" are used.

Anyways. We're in the midst of one. Lilly woke up with a cold Christmas eve. After a couple of hours of childish grieving for the Christmas party we were supposed to have with our friends, Leighton and I pulled ourselves together, for the sake of Lilly and ourselves, and had a quite nice Christmas eve at our house, just the three of us. But then the days got long. Having to quarantine Lilly. And then the weather had us down and homebound too with snow, slush, and icy conditions. Then Leighton got sick too.

So now we all have rough nights, Lilly and Leighton because they're sick, I because I'm busy nursing and comforting Lilly. Last night, Lilly was awake from one a.m. till about four, coughing constantly. Around three, I finally was able to get some cough syrup down her throat, pour girl. And then she eventually settled down. Leighton was trying to sleep in the other room, having hard enough of a time on his own.

So we were quite the threesome when we met up for breakfast this morning, the three of us. That's when "unntakstilstand" enters. You're so crazy tired (all of us) and sick (Leighton and Lilly) or on the verge of getting sick (me), that you just crack up and get a little silly. The day just felt out of the ordinary (it must be, right???!!!), so you change things up. I got Lilly and I dressed quickly so we could drive our sick hubby/papa to the library this morning so he didn't need to walk there in this freakin' cold weather we're having now (which, by the way, looks absolutely stunning with blue sky, sunshine, moon still out, snow covered fields). Then we did our various errands. In and out of the car seat, me so tired I feel drugged, Lilly silly tired too, just lounging in her car seat, giggling when I take her in and out of it, gazing amusedly at the various things on the shelves in the stores. When she's like this, she loves cruising down isles in the cart, first the drug store, then the grocery store. Everything is just kind of like on a spin.

At home again, we settle down, I do the dishes, it's still only about 10 a.m. At the grocery store, I've picked up a copy of In Style, a fashion magazine. Haven't purchased a magazine like that in years. But today is different, we need to look at some glamour, feel that there's freshness and style out there (for by now I haven't showered in days). Lilly sits contently on my lap as we leaf through the magazine. Somehow it gets to be lunch time, and then after that I am, lo and behold!, able to put her down for a nap. Glory (and rest! if not sleep) to all.

Then Leighton's with her in the afternoon, I try to work a little in the study, they watch some Baby Einstein, listen to music and dance, read books, play with the new train, try to play with the play-doh, papa makes dinner. I work at home so Lilly has access to the boob every now and then; it's more urgently needed on a day like today.

This is our life. So goes another day. We have our dinner, which always involves teasing at least some food into Lilly, playing with food, water, cleaning up, running around, she wants to play. Then we (one of us) do play some with her while the other does the dishes. The one who's with her gives her a bath. Then it's time to brush teeth, settle down. And go to bed. Which I have the honor of accompanying her to do, seeing it's what she prefers. And it can be hard, a long hour of sucking and squirming and up and down and agony. Tonight was intense. But here I am now, on the couch, the Christmas tree all lit up, candles burning on the mantle piece, Leighton next to me. And I'm so ready to sleep... But first I want to savor this very moment. And the one below.

our christmas

Our Christmas turned out differently than planned; Lilly woke up with a nasty cold and so we had to cancel our plans with our friends. After shoveling and blowing snow all morning, Leighton took a bath with Lilly after lunch, which helped relieve some of her congestion. Then we kept her entertained for a while opening presents. And then we had some of the yummy meat balls and garlic mashed potatoes our friends had brought us (thank you!). With her congestion and not feeling well, Lilly's not been able to sleep well, neither during the day nor at night. She gets her best rest at night propped on my arm, snuggled up close to me.

Christmas day we played with Lilly's new toys (books, dvds, frosty, train set, puzzle, clothes, and more), went for a walk (in the wet snow/rain) so Lilly could get some rest in the stroller. That night she finally fell asleep in my arms while we were watching a movie (she would not go down any earlier.) Second day of Christmas we headed up to the mall (so Lilly could get some rest in the car...). Today she was finally able to nap in our bed again, for a good hour and a half. But it was still a long day... With all its precious moments too, of course. It's just hard seeing our girl so sick and tired, and now Leighton's gotten down with the cold too.

merry christmas! god jul!

                                                                
Tonight is "lille julaften" or "little Christmas eve," the night we'd always decorate the tree in Norway. We cheated and did it last Saturday instead. Lilly is mesmerized by it. By now, we've cleaned the house, written cards (sorry; those going overseas will be a bit late), wrapped presents, and stocked up on food and drink. We'll be celebrating Norwegian style with our friends Amanda and Matt (who's of Norwegian heritage) and their son Avery who's two and a half. Lilly and Avery play pretty well together now, so it should be fun for all! Since their house is bigger, we're having the party at their house. Amanda has already blogged about how excited (?!) she is to be cooking a  pork roast for the first time in her life (not to mention it being a Norwegian style one, "ribbe"!). We'll have all the traditional sides: the meat balls Matt grew up with, surkål (sour kraut that Amanda made this fall), brussel sprouts, lingonberry jam, potatoes, gravy, salad. Christmas ale and Linie akevitt to help the "ribbe" go down. And a berry cream (can't find multer here so I'll use a mix of red berries instead) with krumkaker for dessert (homemade by another friend of mine in town). Seven different kinds of cookies with coffee. But we don't get to indulge in those till we've sung seven different kinds of carols and danced around the tree after dessert. And then Santa may come with some presents for the children...

I feel so blessed to have our home, our friends, our child during this holiday season. Christmas is filled with so much nostalgia, such a sense of wonder, but also with wounds. Lilly puts a new spin on everything, her joy is a marvel to me!
And, to top it all off: it'll be a very white Christmas! We've already received lots of snow and now we're in the midst of a snow storm! Could be tricky to get even from here to Amanda and Matt's, but we'll make it!

Leighton and I also look forward to some quiet time at the house. Last year we had Christmas in Gran Canaria / Oslo, this year we're in Northfield, Minnesota. We've both submitted the written work that was due by end of this year. Since we got here in September, we've taken turns heading over to the Carleton College library in town to write (you can see us there in the above picture). Lilly's been at the City library almost every day for "classes" there: reading books, singing songs, playing with other children her age.

dancing queen

Today our little dancing queen turned a BIG 18 mos–that's one and a half years, y'all! Here's a video of our BIG little girl, dancing and dancing and dancing!


(Video: Dec 14, 2009)

winter wonderland

Last night was kind of rough; Lilly's teething again and couldn't find comfort. So she sucked all she could on my boobs, so frustrated when they couldn't give her the soothing she craved. Poor baby. Poor mama. We were both so tired this morning. But then Leighton pointed out: it's snowing outside! First snow is always magic that way (we did get some one day, early in October, but it can't count, it melted right away and we've had balmy fall days since). Today was winter. For real. And Lilly was mesmerized. Her home setting slowly changing. Leighton left for the library around eight, while Lilly and I kept admiring the the snow falling from inside. I think Leighton felt a bit sorry for me this morning though. He suggested we watch a movie and just relax (I had planned to do some errands up in the city). I sometimes feel it's easier to just push through and do things when I'm really tired, but today, all Lilly wanted to do was to hug, snuggle, sit on my lap, play puzzles in my lap, read in my lap, snuggle more, and suck on the boob, every 30 minutes or so. So in the end I dimmed the lights, lit some candles, and put on Frosty the snow man. She got the DVD from grandma Julie when she came out to visit last month and they watched it quite a bit, but I've never seen it yet. Lilly loves music, so Julie thought she'd enjoy it. And apparently she does! As Frosty counts his finger, Lilly mimicked with her hand. When the children danced around Frosty, Lilly danced too. When the children all joined in a parade to take Frosty to the train station so he could get a ride to the north pole before he'd melt away, she stomped her feet along with them. I couldn't help but choke up, and then Lilly looked at me a little unsettled. But we both laughed when Santa came to the rescue in the end and got Frosty to the north pole while assuring us that every Christmas, he'll be back. Phew.


I guess I'm just feeling kind of emotional these days. Some hormonal mess-me-up? Or is that even more wishful thinking? That my body is kicking into ovulation gear? I'd wish. But these last couple of days, I've suddenly been grieving the unconceived child (that I just the other day felt just fine about). The conception of Lilly was a miracle (it always is, but, you know, with Lilly, I'd just been told I couldn't conceive naturally, which was the story I'd been told since I was eighteen). So how could I, now at the age of 36, ever conceive naturally again. On top of being painfully tired (from parenting), while very happy (from parenting), I find myself wishing for more (parenting). Now, this must be hormonal, yes?

But I was going to tell you more about today. I had to do at least one errand for tonight's dinner. And just to get outside. And Lilly just stood there, taking in the snow. The magic. Frosty! There was snow in Wyoming too and she saw it there over Thanksgiving break (check out our Casper mountain album if you haven't already). But maybe because then the snow had all already settled on the ground. Maybe because of the fierce winds, she just wasn't that into it. But today she just kept watching it falling, she stepped and kicked around in it, dabbed her glove into it, tasted it. It was simply precious to watch. We'll get lots of use of that new snowsuit now!

(Left: Lilly in her new snowsuit, from grandpa and grandma Cheryl, out in Casper, Wyoming, over Thanksgiving break.
Right: Lilly at the airport, in Denver, on our way to Casper. Her look catches the wonder she expressed when she saw snow today.)

Three weeks till Christmas eve today. After watching Frosty, I put on some Bing Crosby Christmas carols while we got ready to head out for the store. As I walked home this afternoon from the library, torches were lit up along the sidewalks downtown for the annual winter walk, children waiting on Bridge square for Santa to appear. I passed by some friends and had a little visit, felt rich and privileged.

It's a magical season.

But one troubled with memories too.

bitching mama

             I like to vent, air out those things that bug me. After that, I’m good. At least for a while. I used to bitch a lot about my academic position: the long work hours, the petty politics during departmental meetings, committee meetings, faculty meetings (and oh, there were more meetings). The students who didn’t do the work, or the students who did do their work, but who were unwilling to open their minds. Most of all, I bitched about the lack of time for my own research and writing; I was supposed to have a third for each: teaching, scholarship, and administrative work. Instead, I put in 150% on teaching, at least 75% on administrative work, leaving no time for what I in the end was dying to do, even with 70 work hours per week.

            I bitch a lot now too that I’m a mama slash freelance writer, working non-stop from at home or the library. But unlike when I bitched about my academic job, I now get tons of unsolicited advice and unwelcome critical questions and glances. You’re still breastfeeding? You’re still sleeping with your child? You spend an entire hour putting her down for sleep at night, and also often for her nap? You don’t let her cry? You haven’t vaccinated her? You haven’t had a date yet? (Our daughter was almost a year and a half by the time we had our first and so far only real evening date, when my husband’s mom came out to visit for a week). I could go on and on.

            The general gist is that people seem to think we give too much, sacrifice ourselves too much, and all for our baby. At the same time, however, they comment on how safe and content our daughter strikes them to be, so happy and interested in others. I like to think our parenting style has something to do with that. Sure, we give tons. Yet we could give more. I can still and do often feel guilty. Especially when I feel annoyed and irritated by the time it takes me to calm her down for nap and bedtime (because she still needs me for that. But then on the other hand, that’s precious bonding time for the two of us). All the nighttime parenting, which reads as follows: her sucking and biting on my boob, frustrated when it doesn’t completely soothe the teething pain, climbing and punching and squeezing my body, me not able to go to the bathroom, for if I leave the bed, she’ll cry. Or, I get out of bed and go pee with her in my lap, as I pee, and wipe myself. This all is interspersed, of course, with very dear hugs, kisses, strokes and cuddling. There are even times when she does play with my hair quite tenderly, instead of pulling so hard I think I’ll get another bold spot.

And that’s when I bitch (when I think I’ll go bald, I mean, or at least grey). But it doesn’t mean I want anything differently. As opposed to when I bitched about my academic position. That job I was really unhappy with. This job I love to death. Even when I bitch the most about it.

            This seems a difficult thing to get for many. And I just can’t quite get why. Because it seems to be something we all do: bitch and vent before we go on, without changing or necessarily wanting to change the way we do things.

            I just think it’s kind of interesting. To observe. That’s all.