body politics

I've always been a hugger and I love cuddling, one of my most favorite things is having Leighton play with my hair and massage my head. So I love nursing Lilly, the breastfeeding bond, her body snuggling up to me at night, one foot over my hip, a hand on my arm. But it does get intense at times. Lilly's in a new phase of heightened exploration these days, which in turn is making her ever more needy for mama. I am as a result growing a new appreciation for working out at the gym. The sensation of how the muscles work, the bones grinding, being in my own space, isolated from all the others, protected by the music on my ipod. It's heaven to me. For a good hour or so, I can feel like I am my own self.

Leighton will be home with Lilly two mornings per week this semester. There are two good things about that for me: I get time to write, think, be "in it again," and I get time to go to the gym.

This week, for the very first time as a mama, I'm attending a party without Lilly; a new year's celebration at the Center for Gender Research from four to six p.m., appropriately nerdy for someone like me.

Then on Sunday, Leighton and I get to go out for the first time, without Lilly. I'm anxious, excited, and nervous about it all. My friend Helene will watch Lilly around her noon nap and hopefully things will go fine when Lilly wakes up without me there. She's very attached to "bamse" and always happy to see him when she wakes up, -- we'll see. Those few times I've been away so far (a few times at the gym, one meeting with the editor, and one haircut), Leighton's been with her. I think I'm ready. I know I crave it.

update: So we had our first date without Lilly on Sunday. After angsting about it for days, wondering how best to do it, I was close to canceling when I faced the day with a bad cold and after a sleepless night up with Lilly. But we did it. This is what we did: Helene came here, then we all took the bus down to Majorstua. Lilly sat on Helene's lap and was just happy as can be. Then they went for a walk, Helene talked to her and sang for her, Lilly also slept for a little bit. In the meantime, Leighton and I had lunch at a cafe nearby. I was able to enjoy myself for at least a part of the date, then all I could think of was Lilly. I lasted for about an hour. Still, it's a milestone. Now I know she can be in the care of somebody else for an hour or two while Leighton and I can have some boyfriend-girlfriend time. That feels good.