fun on the porch

Sighing at lunchtime

When I have Lilly in the mornings, I find myself sighing at lunchtime. Even if the morning has been fine. Like today: nothing too exasperating happened, yet a BIG sigh while I was making my sandwich. The grocery bag did break, and all the groceries splattered on the ground outside, as Lilly ran off down the driveway toward the busy street on the corner. And of course she whined when I picked her up to take her inside; and she was irritable when we were just inside, wanting salami, milk, snacks, juice, ice--all at once--and yet not wanting anything at all! She was tired, I know, and wanted comfort, i.e., mama and boobs. Anyway, before that, for the first 3 3/4 hours of the morning (over 5 hours if you include the time Lilly and I were up and out of bed together before 8:00) most was fine.

Anne has had a few rough days and nights in a row with Lilly (not to mention that she usually has it rough with Lilly during the nights, and has had it rough, really, since even before Lilly was born, what with being pregnant, and all). And only this morning, Anne deposited Lilly in bed with me because they had been up together for a while after a bad night. Maybe I'm a bit more tired than usual this morning. But in general I've been sighing at lunchtime, so today is really no exception. I even feel a pressure build in my body and my muscles tense, as I go on automatic with whatever momentum I gain from the morning with Lilly.

Parenting is tiring. It's exasperating a lot of the time. And it's physically exhausting. My body takes these forces and makes them into audible release, expressive in the least. That's something to do with it, yes; but I also feel it's something to do with the fact that a parent (sure, I'm generalizing) is made to face or deal with the fact that, by being a parent, one's sense of freedom is tested everyday. If we have to have boundaries to have freedom (or however it goes), then it seems to me that being a parent keeps us near those boundaries everyday and forces us to deal with that however we deal with that.

I am grateful for my wife, who deals with this dilemma (as I've described it) much more intensely than me. I am impressed by her stamina. I'm impressed by those many stay-at-home moms (present and, especially, past) and stay-at-home dads (even myself) who care for their children on a daily basis. It's difficult, no matter to what degree.

a day's a year; a year's a minute

Lilly's 22 months today; almost 2 years! How did that happen? She's running around, talking like crazy, smiling and charming everyone. She's climbing up stairs and steps, including on slide sets, sliding down super fast, up and down, wiggling and dancing, laughing. Reading books, making coffee, soothing baby, watching Curious George.

Just recently, she's become pretty much completely diaper free. In fact, she peed in the potty even on the plane back from spring break in California! She'll pee on big peoples' toilets too now.

And she will most of the time respect that the boobs (milkies) need to sleep from bedtime till around 4 a.m. or so.

She's let mama leave her with a friend (my friend Mary's daughter Anna) while I go to yoga.

And she's happy.

Today she was so exuberantly happy! When I left her with Mary this morning before yoga, when I came back afterward, all the time after.

Maybe it was the good night of sleep last night? Or the fluorescent green which shines from the trees budding, blue-blue sky, sunshine. Tulips in all sorts of colors, even in our garden, they're on fire. Little purple flowers, I don't know what they're called. The cherry tree across the street in our neighbor's garden; like a spring bride.

So she refused to sleep. How can you sleep a day like this away? Who wants to nap anyways?

But it was my time to work. Leighton would typically be around, but (on my request) was out getting compost for the garden we're making. (he got lots of good soil for two beds we're making)

In the end, I just got up from the bed where I'd been lying next to her. Nursing, shhing, singing, stroking, kissing, cuddling. And I started writing. By the kitchen counter. She came in and joined me, all giddy. Started putting all her babes to sleep, (shh, shh, shhh, "sove," "seng"), talk, talk, talk.

Eventually we went out, did some sliding at our neighbor's slide set. Then strolled down to the co-op to get some tilapia (fish) for dinner.

Back to get that ready. While she watched Curious George. Papa working in the garden. Getting soil out onto the beds.

Then quick eat, and crash for sleep.